Dissociation in therapy session

[Jade-]

I'm glad your session went well.

You said you haven't been with this therapist very long so maybe it will just take some time for him to get to know you better to be able to notice the dissociation. Maybe although it feels so major inside you just do a good job of hiding it on the outside?Not as noticable as someone who dissociates into different parts like I did and suddenly there's an adult talking and acting like a child?

I don't think I would be too concerned about this T yet.Now that he's aware I'm sure he will be more observant of it.

Have you asked him what his experience is with dissociation?

 

[mylunareclipse]

thank you for your response!
it's just funny because in the last few months I have become super aware of my dissociation and it's freaking me out. In contrast he has no idea what's going on. Versus with my previous T she would notice it and I wouldn't be aware of it.
For me it's just like a switch..., sometimes I feel my voice, my manners change. all of a sudden I feel like I am acting like a "petulant" child but I think that's more subtle than when I just went away for so long this week. But you are right, maybe I hide it well from him. I think I just look normal on the outside.
no i haven't asked him about his experience... i feel like that's rude. I know I know. I should be more assertive. But I feel too shy to ask him this kind of question. He has also been in private practice for only about 2 years? So I don't want it come off as questioning his capabilities.
But yes, I think someone more experienced would probably pick it up more easily.
With my previous T she wasn't a trauma therapist, but after two years of working with her she could pick up if I dissociated 1/10 of what I did this week.

 

[hithere]

I thought a therapist was supposed to help by educating and grounding the client? not the client being left to figure it out by themselves? Am I missing something?

There are no "rules" to therapy. There are some techniques and different schools of thought, but there aren't any rules. If this is what you "need" you may want to gently bring up that you need him to do this for you and that you feel alone in the dissociation.

Giving you "space" I think is helpful instead of "interrupting" it, it's a type of accepting of you

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you @hithere . You are totally right. Honestly, because I was able to go through the whole thing in front of someone I felt a little less crazy. Like I had a witness. I guess only thing that would help is to talk about it once it is done and it seems like he would be ok with that.

 

[grit]

I sort of agree with Hithere about this. I thought hmm you explained your dissociation experience to your therapist and he validated your experience but also truly confirmed his experience with you being not able to truly know what is inside of you. One of the main reason we, as adults, can get away with dissociation for so long is precisely that - it is insidious and truly felt inside more than it is visible. You were not catatonic, you were spaced out and the therapist seems to respect your boundary to wait until you are aware of not knowing rather than guessing and pushing because you were quiet and maybe closed your eyes for split seconds.
There are million reasons we go to therapy, but one of the main growth/ learning is how are we with others? It seems you probably dissociate with others and hope others will notice like your former therapist but the other side of the flip is maybe a lot of people do not notice and think you are ignoring them or you are dismissive or uninterested in them or seriously oblivious to your state of mind and that is a powerful you are learning in this session.

You were out of your body and the person in the room (even a trained professional) may not notice…imagine what you are like with a lay person? And your relationships may suffer or become challenging if you are not even aware how you exit the room and not even know it.

I hope you take this not so much focusing on the therapist and the process of learning things we missed in the past but focusing now that you know you can space out, learning how to ground, how to shorten the episode, how to learn what comes before you are completely out so you can prepare to be safe.

It is sort of unnecessary sometimes to focus on the process (and the therapist and I am guilty of this too in the past) but one of the biggest take from therapy is learning who you are, what you are like in the presence of others and how to improve any gaps or attachment or behaviour issues we carry from early on life trauma and not to mention what does your dissociation mean in this context cause you are not in danger anymore in the therapy room – you are feeling similar dread and apprehension you felt during the trauma but this time in this safe space, you can process those feelings (whatever they may be for you specific to your situation).

 

[mylunareclipse]

thank you @grit , you raise some interesting points.
i don't think I dissociate to this level in front of people. though my mind will go away at times. what happens a lot more is that I lock myself in the bathroom at work or home and just lose hours to dissociative episodes and flashbacks... the thing is it has been hard for me to accept that they happen and instead i have been in denial... telling myself instead that i make them happen.
Having some of it happen in front of someone, was somewhat validating in a sense. Like i let someone see a part of me that I keep hidden and only this forum and the bathroom walls know about (if that makes any sense).
So yes in someway the therapist helped me on purpose or not because he just let me be however I was.
I agree with you that I am learning a lot more about my experience in the present no matter what that means about the past. it was also very interesting that he didn't know, when my experience was that of being so locked i couldn't move any of my body parts and my head was screaming at one point. I do perhaps come off as avoidant and aloof in my relationship to others, just because I have to spend so many hours fighting these episodes as well as because of fear of getting hurt again. hopefully this means that i am moving slowly towards healing.
thanks for your insight and help.

 

[NightSky]

Dissociation is so interesting. I went through two years of therapy with a seasoned T, and realized years later i was dissociated in every session and never made progress for that reason. I rattled off details of traumas feeling utterly disconnected, completely out of body. The T I’m with now, I’ve been with for 4 years. I’ll never forget the time i had tunnel vision dissociation with her. A totally different kind. She said something that triggered me, and the room grew dark, my gaze locked on a book in her office, and she sounded a thousand miles away. She continued to talk, But i had zero idea what she was saying and I couldn’t move. I don’t know how long it lasted, but it must have been a while because session ran late and I have always been aware of time. Somehow when I came out of it she got me to move, asked if I had had flashbacks during that time, texted me that night to check on me and had me email her the next day to let her know what was happening for me. Ever since then she has caught it before it gets to tunnel vision. I don’t even know what I do. She says she can see it in my eyes as soon as It starts and she immediately asks if I’m with her. She switches gears or asks me to name things in the room, one time she threw a big exercise ball at me so i had to catch it. That comes from years of working together. Be as open as you can, every time. And trust your experience. You’re not making anything up. Gain an ally who can help you navigate and learn what your triggers are.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you so much @NightSky . I remember when I joined this site three years ago we seemed to share a similar path in our recovery. I can relate so much to what you're saying. This is how my previous T became to me after 2 or 2.5 years. She started noticing so quickly when I dissociated and she would follow up on me as well when I told her I had had a freezing episode during the week... I think she was gently trying to point out dissociation to me but I was just in denial. Unfortunately, she had to change jobs so we ended our work together last year. Now with my new T is the opposite, I have learned to notice that I dissociate and he doesn't notice..so it's a new kind of confusion :D. I miss my old T a lot and I wish we were doing this work together, but sometimes such is life. Thanks for sharing your experience and best of luck in your recovery.