Dissociation While Expressing Oneself

[onlybygrace]

Hi....I am new here. I am a sexual and emotional abuse survivor.

I don't know where to start but I need to understand something that happens to me when I try to express myself or explain myself. I get this unreal sense of it's not me that is talking, I know now that I am dissociating (I think) and it gets so bad that I doubt what I am feeling or saying and then I get flustered and loose the essence of my meaning. I have done this all my life and I was wondering if any other sufferers have this problem? I especially hate it because it doesn't feel like me anymore or that it is real, or that my feelings or experience even matter. I do this almost
constantly....sometimes worse with certain people.

I do this even with my husband of 24 years and it is very difficult because it keeps me in a shy or scared position. I get confused as it is happening and then I wished I kept my mouth shut. I end up keeping my feelings to myself, especially personal matters and feelings.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, attachment disorder and social anxiety but after reading the description for Complex PTSD, I am shocked because the symptoms describes my life since memory!

So glad to have found this forum.....

onlybygrace

 

[Maru]

What you describe sounds exactly like dissociation to me. (I'm both a carer and a sufferer, btw.)

The original purpose of dissociation is to protect you psychologically from the emotional damage you are receiving. It is a defence mechanism. The unfortunate thing about defence mechanisms is that we often don't learn to move past them once the situations that created them are gone. That's when they cause problems in your present life, because you are reacting inappropriately to non-threatening situations.

Are you in therapy? A good therapist can help you understand your dissociative tendencies and find new ways of relating to the world. Medications may also help. I was fortunate to stumble upon the combination of an excellent therapist who was well-versed in dissociative disorders (even though my dissociation was well-contained within my PTSD) and a medication that has dramatically lessened the frequency of dissociative episodes.

It is a lot of work, and it will be painful, but you can do it!

Be well.

Maru

 

[kers]

I get confused as it is happening and then I wished I kept my mouth shut. I end up keeping my feelings to myself, especially personal matters and feelings.

It sounds like you are dissociating as a reaction to feeling ashamed. I do this, too. It's scary to open up to other people, even if it
s just to state an opinion on something, because it leaves us vulnerable to rejection or worse.

So your reaction makes a lot of sense to me. I think the further along you get in your healing, the less often it will happen, and it will be less severe.

 

[onlybygrace]

Thank you everyone for your insight. Odd how I have struggled all my life with this but didn't dawn on me that it is dissociating.

Maru, yes, I am in therapy, though my therapist seems to work on what is bothering me at the moment. He doesn't seem to understand a lot of my reactions, wondering if I should go to a therapist that deals with PTSD.

I do feel that I dissociate, originally, because of shame in my past but it does carry over into conversations with those I trust somewhat.

Thanks again...

onlybygrace

 

[Maru]

If you don't think your therapist is understanding the entirety of your personal experience, then by all means you should be looking for a different therapist. When I was with the therapist before the one that was able to help me with my dissociation, I told her that I thought I was dissociating. She essentially told me I didn't know what I was talking about and that it was likely because I was studying abnormal psychology in college. (There's a tendency for psychology students to self-diagnose while taking an abnormal psych. class.) A couple of years later, she said "You know what, I think you dissociate." It took her two years to figure out something that I *knew* as soon as I read the description in the DSM! (DSM = Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychological Disorders, the handbook that classifies and differentiates currently-accepted medical illness diagnoses) She ended up referring me to the next therapist, specifically because she knew that the new one had experience in PTSD and dissociation.

Different therapists have their own styles of tackling problems, due to personal preference and alignment with various methods of treatment as taught in their training. It may be that your therapist simply no longer meets your needs. This does not necessarily mean that he is a bad therapist, just that you are unable to go further with him at this time. It can't hurt to ask him for a referral to someone else who is oriented more toward your current needs.

As for dissociating around people that you trust -- that's not uncommon. You may have generalized the "flight" part of the fight/flight/freeze response to the point that totally innocuous stimuli can still trigger you. As you get better, this should lessen. Then hopefully you'll get to the point that you'll only be dissociating with/around people and situations where a true threat is posed. And then onto learning coping mechanisms to stay present and remain protective of your entire self even while threatened. :occasion:

With much hope for you,
Maru

 

[dhawkins78412]

I get the same feeling when I talk about my abuse.

 

[Artista]

Me too. The few times i have voiced it... even wrote it... it feels surreal and as if things do not match up with reality and my sense of being there. I think, at times, it's a good thing. I couldn't be clear AND feel what I say. Just too difficult to do.