Do Abused Children Try To Earn Their Parents Approval?

[just me here]

My therapist says I am just one of many abused children that grow up to spend their entire lives trying to regain their abusive parents approval. I need to know if there are others out there that agree with this. I am at a turning point in my life, ready to forgive myself for wasting so much energy trying to make my birth family right again and letting it all affect my own family all of these years. I need to accept that it is a normal, common reaction to being raised in a bad situation to try to work out the past and make it right.

I know I cannot ever have a better past, but I am beating myself up for having tried for so long. I hope my kids never realise how much our family was tainted by the way my parents handled their family.

They are dead to me, a thing of the past for almost 2 years now. (Actually still alive but not to me). Can we talk about this? Can you help me forgive myself for drawing out this anguish for so long? Is there anyone out there that knows where I am coming from and a way to a better place?

I need to turn this corner but I am pretty sure I will live out the rest of my life blaming myself for being so weak and allowing myself to be influenced by people that are so obviously human wreckage just because they were my parents.

 

[sessie]

You're not alone. My ex-husband is emotionally and verbally abusive and I watch my kids try SO hard to get his approval. And of course, since he's an abuser, what he approves of one day is different than the next day. No one can make him "happy." He doesn't want happy. He wants to be in control and he wants the people around him to jump to meet whatever his momentary emotional needs are.

:(

You are strong. You see the abuse now. You are not abusive and you are raising your kids in a healthy, safe environment!!!

Blaming yourself is what they WANT you to do--they want you to blame yourself and keep yourself small. It is not your fault. You did nothing to cause their abuse. You were a child and you couldn't have done anything other than what you did to survive that environment. You learned tons of coping mechanisms which you should take PRIDE in and you've gotten to where you are now. None of what happened is your fault and everything you've made of yourself is to your credit!!

Hugs.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

YES, YES, YES! (I'm not yelling at you, caps for emphasis!) Although, I don't think I beat myself up for it as much as you do?

I'm in the process of removing my toxic mother from my life. I knew I'd see her again, and I did in the midst of a family emergency simply because I needed to put my personal issues aside to support another family member.

In therapy I'm learning that my mother is very ego-centric, manipulative, etc. It's hard to come to the realization that she is incapable of loving me as a mother should (her "love" is very controlling and comes with restrictions and stipulations), but I'm learning to accept it.

How can you forgive yourself? Maybe realizing that you're human and it's human nature to want a mothers/parents love. There is NOTHING wrong with that! You are to be commended for realizing where things went wrong, as in you can now see things as they are and cease the impossible task of winning their love.

I see my mom as sick. She is incapable of loving me. I know she's never going to change and I'm trying to accept that.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Yes they bend over backwards and turn themselves inside out till it hurts!

 

[ericaboo]

In my family: "Some did, some didn't."

I would have cut off my right arm to please my parents if it would have done any good. I was constantly trying to read their minds and play their games to earn their approval which could never be earned.

My older brother decided to NEVER do anything they wanted, since he'd been burned so many times by unfulfilled promises and arbitrary punishments. Just one example: He would walk all the way across town to buy records rather than play their games to get a ride.

I can tell you that as adults we are equally disfunctional, just in different ways... In my view, it didn't make any difference what we did, the environment was still going to be the same.

I also feel embarrassment about the lengths I went to in order to win their approval, but my brother feels guilt and isolation about how he dealt with the situation.

It's a lose-lose situation.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I have been disgusted by my memories of basically begging my parents to love and respect me. I was 32 before I stopped speaking to them. At first, I was just disillusioned and beginning to see that my expectations of our relationship were unhealthy, codependent. I was so ashamed of myself!

By the time I actually ended the relationship, I'd had the flashback of the first time I told them I'd been raped, and what they did about it. That flashback ended my relationship with them. But, it didn't end my desire to repair the relationship. I continue to struggle with guilty feelings about the end of our relationship, even though they have done nothing productive toward repairing our relationship. They take no ownership over destroying our relationship. They see me the same as they did when they blamed me for telling stories on their favorite relatives just to hurt them... only now they say that I am keeping them from their grandchildren just to hurt them. They will never stop seeing me as a vindictive person. And, I cannot subject myself to their ignorant denial just to try to prove something that should be quite obvious to them.

I see it as a compulsion. It is part of the abuse cycle. It is my role in the family. It has always been up to me to prove to them that I am worthy. For me to STOP trying to prove to them that I am worthy, is tantamount to proving that I am not worthy. So, regardless of my actions, my role is secure in the family... the abuse cycle is intact as long as their positions don't change. I can't change their positions... so, I must work to change my compulsion.

I'm open to suggestions on that, if anyone wants to pc me or put it in my diary. In the meantime, I rely on my disgust, over the servitude I submitted to for the scraps of love that I got, as one of the tools I use to keep me from returning to them. And, I DO feel pride in myself for finally ending it. I ended it. Without their approval! And, they can't do anything about that. They are powerless now.

 

[franciemarnie]

I can identify.

You are a wonderful person. Your parents were not. You are blaming the victim - you. I did it too. Compulsively. It is a well researched and common phenomenon - blaming the victim.

Your parents and only they deserve any blame. You deserve love and compassion.

 

[JustBe]

I feel that I have to qualify my answer because my mother and I are having a better relationship now than we ever did before. I do see in your responses much that I can relate to.

My biggest issue now is trying to forgive myself and move forward in a healthier way.I still feel as though I'm trying to get the approval that I wanted as a child. Even though I seem to have it now I don't believe it is real.

 

[ericaboo]

The more kindly assertive I learn to be, the less nasty my relationship with my parents becomes.

They just didn't know how to teach that - they never learned it, and were not respected by their own parents...

They don't want to lose contact with me, but they don't understand how I need to be treated unless I explain it with compassion over and over. This is very hard to do because I have so much bitterness and a huge chip on my shoulder...

But it's never too late, and I've known people who walked away and grieve with a vengeance after their parents pass because they missed out on what superficial good experiences they could have salvaged from the relationship.

But if boundaries can't be established, that's toxic, and hard decisions have to be made. I've walked away, but I've always come back eventually to give it another shot...

I can't forgive or forget, I can't fix them, but I can still try to create something new that's better - especially now that I understand it wasn't my fault.

"It doesn't matter who we were, it only matters who we are now..." Juliet from LOST

 

[Pencil]

MY mother died too early. I did not speak to my father for a couple of years. And yet, towards the end of his life I still tried, in every single encounter, to get his approval, and every single time I wanted to kick myself afterwards.

 

[Mayday]

I relate to a lot of what has been mentioned here...much like ericaboo's brother I would stubbornly walk hours in preference to asking for a ride somewhere, but also I can see where I have tried so hard to get their approval, only to always fail. I'm in the process of trying to put in place boundaries in order to have a superficial relationship with them. Not sure how that will work.

 

[JustBe]

My mother spent her entire life trying to earn her mother's Love and approval. I believe it is the tragedy of her life that she feels she never did.

She and I are trying to break the cycle.