Do Abused Children Try To Earn Their Parents Approval?

[Tanishq]

Hello just me here,

Can we talk about this? Can you help me forgive myself for drawing out this anguish for so long? Is there anyone out there that knows where I am coming from and a way to a better place?

Yes we can talk about this. But I don't have answers for later questions.

I used to wait for parent's approval. Now not anymore. It's a relief now.

 

[Candleflames]

If there is a hell, it waits for them, not us.

Hmmm that's pretty close to what I said to my mom when she made her heaven comment. You're absolutely right. According to their religion people will be judged by their actions not what they paid lip service to.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Wow! This thread has strengthened my resolve to remove my toxic mom from my life.

 

[ms spock]

I know I cannot ever have a better past, but I am beating myself up for having tried for so long.

Can you help me forgive myself for drawing out this anguish for so long? Is there anyone out there that knows where I am coming from and a way to a better place?

I need to turn this corner but I am pretty sure I will live out the rest of my life blaming myself for being so weak and allowing myself to be influenced by people that are so obviously human wreckage just because they were my parents.

You were trying to heal your relationship with your parents. It is normal to do that. Hundreds of thousands of years of evolution mean we are hard wired to connect to our biology.

You took along time because you had hope that is terribly human.

It takes along time to see our abusive family - as a child your life depends on being able to depend on them, it is understandable that it takes you along time to sort it out as an adult. It can take decades on and off.

This is all very normal and understandable.

Be kind to you for being human. Having hope is not a crime. You were hoping it would work out.

 

[just me here]

"If there is a hell it waits for them, not us" is a quote attributable to Frank Zappa.

He went to Washington D. C. to argue against the parents music consortium and their efforts to get certain lyrics banned from being sold in America. The movement was headed by Tipper Gore (Als ex-wife) and although they did get warning labels attached to some types of music, they never got anywhere near the steam they would have needed to start banning music. That came later when Wal-mart did it for them.

Frank came home and made an album that ironically included an overdub of Tipper herself repeating the very words she wanted to ban and the warning label on the cover so no one would be surprised to find such vile language when they got home and played it. I love Frank for that. And I agree with what he had printed on the cover of the album: "If there is a hell it waits for them, not us". Amen.

Thanks everyone. I can forgive myself for being wired to try to stay on my parents good side by thousands of years of evolution, but I can't forgive myself for being so blind to the futility of it and the waste of time and more importantly energy spent trying to make it happen when I should have been able to let it go and move on. I am 51 for gods sake. I wish that the last time I thought of them was 30 years ago and not 30 seconds ago. Leaving home at 14 was hard, and I did it. I could have stayed away, I should have stayed away. In all of that time, I didn't get more than some diapers changed on a random grandkid once in awhile, a place to store some stuff and a constant mailing address I could use when I needed it. Other than those things, there just wasn't much but a constant condescension that I guess I thought I deserved.

How much better could it all have been if they had helped me get through some traumatic injuries and experiences instead of seeing those events as a chance to show me how much I needed a religion in my life. If there is a hell, it waits for them, not us. Amen again.

 

[ms spock]

Thanks everyone. I can forgive myself for being wired to try to stay on my parents good side by thousands of years of evolution, but I can't forgive myself for being so blind to the futility of it and the waste of time and more importantly energy spent trying to make it happen when I should have been able to let it go and move on. I am 51 for gods sake. I wish that the last time I thought of them was 30 years ago and not 30 seconds ago. Leaving home at 14 was hard, and I did it. I could have stayed away, I should have stayed away. In all of that time, I didn't get more than some diapers changed on a random grandkid once in awhile, a place to store some stuff and a constant mailing address I could use when I needed it. Other than those things, there just wasn't much but a constant condescension that I guess I thought I deserved.

Being blind to the nature of your parents kept you alive as a child. Of course it takes along time as an adult to sort this out.

How can you should yourself for being a human who wants connection, which is normal and healthy. You are being too hard on yourself. You are at this point now, if you could have let go previously, you would have. It takes as long as it takes.

 

[ms spock]

I left home at 15 and it was hard. We return in the hope of connection and belonging as we yearn for things to get better. It is not unreasonable. It took me the longest time to give up hope and see reality. What you have done is not unusual.

 

[Tanishq]

Just me here, I did try to mend relations with parents and they gave no value to my efforts. Now I have nothing left for them.

 

[Mallaky]

Hello

Today is an extraordinary day for me.

I confronted my father because he left me alone in a abusive situation, then I changed to another family which was even more abusive. The last time I talked to him he thought I was lucky and should be grateful for the "care" I got. That I even had a family and not a orphan house. I hated him so much for that, understandibly for what I went through. When I was a little child I sometimes sat for hours and hours infront of the door, looking forward to him...... he did not come but called with phone and said "Not today, I cannot manage it. I will come December." Which was three months later.

Today I confronted him (via email, we live 600km apart) and told him of my hell, of how I feel towards him ("I love you, because you are my dad and I hate you because you left me alone") and he told me "I am so sorry. So very sorry. I wish I had more time right now to write a mail, but I write slowly, so please wait a few days longer." It ment so much to me I cried. Joyfull tears. In the mail I wrote, I said that I do not want any contact anymore to him unless he apologizes. I was sure he never, ever would. But he did.

I replied with "It means so much to me that you apologized. So very much. Thank you." to which he replied
"To me it means just as much what you just wrote. I am sorry." and then the punchline. Instead of "father" as he usually signs he wrote "daddy" ... THE EMOTIONS!!

I am a bit confused about my feelings now. I am very, very confused about the fact that I cried after that massage. I did not know that I was such a papa's boy. I do not know how to react now when this goes further. Should I forgive him (more happened, which I do not talk about here) because I want to... But is that me being a pushover? Trying to please? I feel confused. Any input would be much appreciated.

ps: all this translated from german to english, nuances may be lost

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Mallaky mate that is so powerful. One day I hope that I may be able to do the same with my mother.

Really positive stay strong buddy
Laurie

 

[just me here]

I am seeing things a bit clearer every day. Today my thought is about what I have learned about emotions. I totally agree with a bit of advice I received from my best T ever, now retired.

You are not psychotic, he said. We would know about it by now. Your emotions are real and you should give them validity and act on them. But you must act appropriately. The basic emotions are Sad, Mad, Glad, and Scared. Are you sad? replace what you lost. Are you mad? use the energy to remove what you are angered by. Are you Glad? share it with the ones you love. Are you scared? face the fears or find safety in another place.

Applied to this situation, I have been sad and mad because of my parents since 1973. My sadness at not having a functional family has been replaced by the love within my own family. I am human, I seek parental unconditional love, but it is not there and I cannot make it be there, I have made it a reality with my own kids and my wife. I have been mad at my father and my stepmother since they first started in on trying to convert me to their incredibly baseless and ridiculous un defendable religion. The 0only waty to remove this anger from my life is to remove them from my life and I have, 2 years now.

And I guess I am sad because of all the wasted energy and self loathing they programmed me with. I will try to replace it with good acts within my own family and pride for the life I have made for them and my wife.

Does that translate to German?`

 

[Mallaky]

Thanks you too, that was very helpfull.

I will see how it goes with my father, if healing (can) happen, and then act accordingly. If peace could be made I'd be willing to work for it. If not I am not willing anymore to lay the burdens of the world on my shoulders and will cut the relationship. For me the difficult thing concerning PTSD is the patience required to deal with all of this.