Do I Belong Here? Is It Really Ptsd?

[sassyannie54]

I'm not looking for a diagnosis from anyone. My therapist has already said I have PTSD and my psychiatrist has agreed. But I've never been in combat and I don't have bad dreams. No one believes me, at least not those that are close to me, those that I need the most.

I'm a neonatal nurse. I take care of sick newborns. And I sometimes hold them as they die. I've told new nurses that no baby should die on a table - like a guerney for infants. Even if they only weigh a kg or less. In the beginning I loved the adrenalin rush. Now, after 26 years worth of high adrenalin, my body and my psyche are done with that. Last year there started a disintegration over several months and then sudden worsening. Severe tremors, stuttering, short term memory loss, cognitive functioning barely existed. Things are considerably better after being away from work and the nursery for over a year. But the idea of returning to work in the nursery, well, I can't even think about it. I can hardly look at a healthy baby on TV.

If it were only the babies perhaps it would just be "adrenal fatigue", as my therapist calls it. But my oldest son died, he was 17, I removed his life support, I pulled the plug, 13 years ago. I have a copy of his last heart beat. I've become quite adept at avoidance.

And, I've never had nightmares or bad dreams and I wonder why. Is this real, why can't I snap out of this? It all just hurts so bad. It's better. But still so very much there

 

[Sandra]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[wife of]

Welcome,it is not just armed forces and emergency services that get ptsd ,I would say that your experiances are more than traumatic enough to lead to ptsd.
If you have any indications of adrenal fatigue please make sure you have a full set of adrenal/thyroid and pituitary tests done.

 

[sassyannie54]

Thanks for the welcomes! I will talk to my doc about the tests. I think the thyroids have been normal but there haven't been the other tests as far as I know. I know I have post traumatic, it was a relief when someone finally validated the severity of the experiences. It's when family and even co-workers down play it that is really so difficult. I'm looking forward to exploring this forum

 

[shadowchaser]

Hey I've never been in combat either. Just because you don't have dreams about it doesn't mean your not traumatized. Welcome to the forum.
There are lots of really nice people here who are all going threw similar things.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome to the Forum, Annie!

That is definitely significant trauma. People working in the medical field (e.g. cancer staff, NICU) often develop exactly your type of PTSD. It is definitely PTSD and trauma. If you look up what the definition of trauma is, it includes feeling helpless, horror, or a few other key symptoms. In your case the professional even crossed over into your personal life. Losing your son, by literally pulling the plug, or watching as neonates die could definitely trigger PTSD.

I hope that you find the forum beneficial.

Take care!

 

[LilacFaerie]

Welcome to the forum sassyannie - you will find a lot of helpful folks here.

Just because you don't have dreams, that doesn't mean you can't have PTSD. I'd say your job experiences are reason enough to substantiate a diagnosis of PTSD. I work in a high-risk OB office and our nurses see this kind of thing all the time. On more than one occasion they've indicated the need for a drink or two....or several....after a particularly horrible loss; whether the baby has been born or is still in utero.

I'm surprised more nurses don't have these reactions after so many years - I definitely don't think I'd be cut out for such a position. But I thank you for the personal touches you gave these infants as they passed from this world to the next. No one should die alone.

[hug]

 

[Zipperhead]

I think allot of Nurses do have issues, and often deal with the effects of what they have seen. Many are unable to reach out for help, scared of the stigma, just as we are. Welcome, come in and learn as much as you can. Thank you for sharing.

 

[sassyannie54]

Thank you all so much for such support. I've often thought that half of the nurses are on anti-depressants (no, I don't actually know that) and the other half should be. There's so much stigma even in the medical profession. There has been some research but there needs to be much more. When people think of mental illness the same way as heart disease is when there will be quicker progress