Do I even deserve to go on ?


Bit still can't make it despite all of my tries.
Yep. That happens sometimes. And a very dangerous spot to be in… when someone is desperate for a win? It tends towards recklessness or depression. When I’m in that place, it’s something I’ve learned to keep a weather eye on, and rein in both my enthusiasm &/or ignore/counter any weight I’m wanting to give to sadness, apathy, or despair. Which doesn’t mean I don’t feel sad, apathetic, or despairing. It just means I know those feelings are total bullshit.

I might not even deserve
I can’t speak to this, as I really can’t wrap my head around the concept of “deserve”. I get that it’s a real… feeling? …morality? …something? for a lot of people. But to me it’s like wanting to be a concert pianist without having learned to play piano much less excelled at it; or to be immortal, just because you view yourself as a good person. Good people get hit by cars, die in bombings, are wiped out by plague, are sent to prison, stood against a wall and shot, doe of cancer, list goes on. Meanwhile bad people beat cancer, are found innocent at trial, win the lottery, etc. It’s not like good things happen to good people, and bad things happen to bad people; so good people deserve good things, and bad people deserve bad things. Things happen. Regardless of whether a person in good or bad, by their own estimation or others.

So the “deserve” aspect to life? Is totally beyond my ken.