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I don't deserve to grieve.

I totally relate @Neverthesame . And don't worry you express yourself very well!

I think it has a lot to do with a lack of self compassion.

The bad thing wirh keeping it to ourself is the lack of input in the other direction and no support.

One thing that helps me a bit if I remember to do it is to say to myself, "I'm not going down that path again, am I?" I still may fully believe it, but I try to sit with the feeling. I don't say like some, 'Thanks brain!' Because I figure it is my brain, and my choice of other thoughts.

But I too am open to suggestions!
 
I don’t really grok the concept of “deserve”.

But I do understand debt, and that how no matter how hard one works for something luck always plays a part, and having earned (the right, my place, a chance, etc.).

So.

Tell me about your mom.

Does SHE rate her children’s grief? Has she earned a place in your heart? Was she loved? Will she be missed?

Regardless of whether or not you feel you’ve earned the right to grieve her, has she been someone who has earned it? (On this forum? That’s really ‘flip a coin’. So it’s an honest question, rather than a leading one.) Or was she a terrible person, which makes it all the more complicated?

The thing about Grief, is that passing through it? Allows one to remember the people they’ve loved, that they still love, without pain. Not just the hole they’ve left in our lives, but the whole person. Beloved, infuriating, annoying, hilarious, vexing, joyful, complicated. ALL of them, good and bad.

So I also get refusing to grieve, in order to punish myself. So that when I think of them? All I get? IS pain. Like branding myself over and over, so the burn never heals, and infection weakens me, and my life slows, my heart & mind dim. Pain & Regret. Pain & Recrimination. Pain & Blind to life around me. Pain & attempting to freeze time; the closest I can get to going back in time and changing it, keeping the wound fresh, searing, ugly.

PTSD also makes it more… comfortable is the wrong word… familiar, practiced, easy, keeping the past in my present. Especially when there are big feelings in play. Reducing those feelings to the familiar? Pain, guilt, shame, regret, rage? I don’t like those feelings, but I’m well versed in managing them. So, even though Grief is an old friend in MY life? I’ll often find myself avoiding all of the “too much” big bad rarely felt/handled swirling emotions, in favor of the familiar. The evil you know, ya know? So I also get refusing to grieve to keep things simple.

Ordinarily I could tie the above together, but it’s a challenging time round these parts, so the best I can manage at the moment, is hoping some of this makes sense.
 
I view grief as something my brain, in its limited human capacity, just cannot parse correctly. Thus, I end up with all kinds of illogical results. How dare I grieve, when I've caused harm? How dare I make their suffering about me? How dare I this, how dare I that. Should I feel this, should I feel that. I'm the monster, they're the monster, what does it all mean - death is just not something we're capable of understanding, as a species. So I relegate it to that realm of "hallucinations."

Death, grieving, suffering, deserve, fault, blame, good, bad, etc - they're faulty with me.

Not to veer off track or trauma dump, but, y'know. I spent 6 years locked in a room during my infancy. I didn't develop right! No matter how far I progress in my recovery, I'm simply never going to have the ability to understand these concepts the way an adult 32 year old man should. So? I don't worry about it. I can't solve grief. I can't fix grief. All I can do is exist with it, because one way or another, it's there and it's not going anywhere.

So I do my best to learn how to co-exist with all of this competing, irrational, insane, hallucinatory logic.
 
I totally relate @Neverthesame . And don't worry you express yourself very well!
Thank you.

I think it has a lot to do with a lack of self compassion.
Agreed. I know this has been a problem for a while.
The more I crap on myself the more I fail at things, the more I fail, the more reasons I have to crap on myself.

One thing that helps me a bit if I remember to do it is to say to myself, "I'm not going down that path again, am I?"
I do this with my temper when I get angry about things outside of my head, it has been useful for stopping a tantrum.
I never thought of trying it when I'm mad at me.
Worth a try.


I don't say like some, 'Thanks brain!' Because I figure it is my brain, and my choice of other thoughts.
As much as I enjoy talking about my inner critic in the third person, he is me and I am him.
Ultimately I am in control of what I think of everything....
Now where did I hide the reins to my sleigh brain? 😅
 
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