Do I Have Ptsd ? Thoughts Please

[Jugsaw]

Dear Diary, where to begin its very difficult when life jumps forward back and sideways so often. I haven't been diagnosed with PTSD but this week after reading about it yes maybe that's it you readers can help me out with that hopefully.

My symptoms the overwhelming ones are not being able to breath for days weeks months on end no let up no sleep my heart pounds my ribs hurt I feel like a bowling ball has taken residence in my chest it becomes painful to eat food ...its not being able to breath that ruins my life my interactions what I'd like to do , you can't do anything when you can't even get enough air to talk. I'm luckily a master at shallow breathing and appear to be functioning but my fuse is non existent, my face ages 10 years and I'm just so disappointed in myself for doing this to myself.

Drs have told me after tests such as lung xrays and asthma checks that this is just in my head. I did after 2 years of not being able to eat pay for a tube to be stuck down my throat which found sore bleeding stomach lining, I was advised to stay away from stress as I'm on my way to getting a huge ulcer.

I first had these symptoms when I was 16 and revising for my GCSEs I put a lot of pressure on myself and this happened, also my jaw seized shut for 2 months that has happened only 4-5 times since.

Of course many things have happened in my life I'm 36 now but I think if I do have PTSD I think it may have been from my dad. We had the classic drunk dad domestic abuse upbringing with for me the added bonus of him hating me from the day I was born no reason just hated me. Mum said he didn't want any more children.

He didn't acknowledge me to talk to until I was about 5. He did however find the time to beat the living daylights out of me when I was four and circumstances meant he had to look after me on his own for a few hours ... I was hidden away at my aunts house until I healed up. Many other things I remember happened in my early years but I'm just focusing on what event might of set this condition off.

The other event might be when I was 11 and watching TV I could hear a shouting in the kitchen then noises then silence, silence is not good. After a while I creep down the hallway passed the sound of running water in the bathroom and peer into the kitchen , there is my mum laid out on the floor her arms at angles and her legs outstretched several kitchen draws had been thrown at her and stuff was scattered all over her, her mouth was open her eyes were open nothing moved she was dead...i didn't care ...it was going to happen one day,

I had no emotional response at all. I see blood all over the floor its leading to the bathroom. I look in the door, my dad has his back to me he is washing his hands there is blood everywhere and a huge kitchen knife on the sink. My first thought is shall I step over mum and get out the back door or shall I run up the stairs and warn my brother so he can climb out of his window onto the outhouse roof and escape, i knew dad would kill me on the stairs I'd never make it, if he killed mum he would kill us all.

Of course it wasn't a decision I was fiercely protective of my older brother a feeling that wasn't mutual but I am who I am. I ran for it I got to step 4 shouting to my brother to get out to run when I felt a hand grab me, thats it I thought and waited for the pain, strangely I welcomed the thought of death. It was my mum she wasn't dead.

My brother was halfway down the stairs we flung the front door open and ran for our lives we ran so fast none of us looking back ...,Me and my brother were still in pajamas with no shoes running for our lives following our mum who I'd never seen move so fast. As we ran lots of other children passed us on there new bikes or roller skates laughing and playing, I could see in peoples houses families sitting round their tables enjoying their Christmas meal ...Why cant we just be like them I thought.

We got to mum's friends house and I took myself off to a corner .. All love for any human died in me that day ...I felt nothing for either parent like something had switched off, I said to myself ...your going to have to look after yourself from now on. Don't go to them for anything. Don't tell them anything. Soon you'll be old enough to not have to live with them anymore.

My dad had so it transpires reached for the knife as my mum lay on the floor, he grabbed it with such rage that in his drunken state he didn't grab the knife fully on the handle and sliced through his own hand. So a happy and kind of funny end to a scary story.

Of course there is a lot more to living daily with a parent who openly hates you and with a mother who is cold and selfish unable to say she loves you or give praise. There's a lot more to living with a violent alcoholic. There are many worse things that happened which I can deal with, but these two incidences might have triggered that flight or fight to go haywire? Its my body that lets me down my mind is strong .

 

[Jen93]

We can't diagnose you. You might want to go to a psychiatrist.

 

[arfie]

Kinda wish you had a third choice in your poll. "Don't support internet diagnosis" would get my vote.

That said, your symptoms and suspected causes are hot topics in this forum. You will find great support and discussion for any or all of them. Hope to see you around.

 

[Jugsaw]

Hi poll deleted I don't want to see a pychiatrist my dad always said that in was mad and insane I wouldn't want other ppl to believe it ... My dads mum was ill like that and in and out of mental institutions she took all her pills and killed herself when dad was 18 him
And his sister never got over her killing herself they loved her so much .... I found out dads mum had been abused by her new step brothers when she was little my aunt told me after dad died. I hate the fact that what they did to her has destroyed three generations and want it to stop with me.

 

[digger]

I don't want to see a pychiatrist my dad always said that in was mad and insane

I understand that this attitude has come down from your father but perpetuating attitudes like this is what leaves so many people with mental health problems feeling stigmatised and isolated. Saying that seeing a psychiatrist would put you in the category of 'mad and insane' could be taken as pretty offensive to the large number of people on this site who do see a psychiatrist.

 

[Lucycat]

Saying that seeing a psychiatrist would put you in the category of 'mad and insane' could be taken as pretty offensive to the large number of people on this site who do see a psychiatrist.

Well said Digger. Very many of us on here have seen a psychiatrist. Seeing a psychiatrist doesn't make you ill, mentally or otherwise -
It is the way to get diagnosed and treated.Just like seeing a cancer specialist does not give you cancer!

 

[Candleflames]

I'm sorry if this seams harsh but I don't understand using your fathers opinion on the mental health system to deny yourself treatment. He sounds like a horrible person for putting you family through such crap. You literally ran for you life. That is not a reliable source for information on how to handle mental illness. He clearly failed you by not dealing with his own issues. You say you want the cycle to end with you so do that by getting yourself the help you need and deserve.

I do understand being scared to confront the ghosts of an abusive past. It is scary and sometimes feels immensely painful during the processing but does help over time. It's also nice to have an official diagnosis so you can have a better idea of what techniques to try. Certain therapies work better than others for certain diagnosis.

If you really don't want to see a psychiatrist then maybe another type of therapist. There are psychologists or licensed mental health counselors or clinical social workers. They all can help you therapeutically.

On a positive note no therapist can diagnose you as "insane" as it can only be used in a court of law to determine if someone has the capacity to stand trial. In this arena it means that someone is incapable of telling the difference between right and wrong and therefore cannot be held accountable for their actions.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I agree with everyone else you need to see a professional. If you have PTSD, you ARE mentally unwell, possible unstable in the right/wrong circumstances. Those people are also the strongest ticket to you getting a diagnosis or any form of useful help to helping it, be it medication or therapy and in some cases a supportive level of care for you whether that's home visits or hospitalisation, depending on your circumstance, but you'd be just as likely to be sectioned on the street for the types of behaviour you need to be displaying to get there. Nowadays I don't think it's so easy to get hospitalised for mental health issues and there certainly isn't the same kind of misunderstanding/judgement and stigma there.

my dad always said that in was mad and insane I wouldn't want other ppl to believe it

That was the single biggest and most effective method of what I have now come to understand as grooming, before, during and after he systematically abused me in every way he could find. I'm not saying your Dad is like mine, but there is a great deal of misinformation about mental health and the professionals that work in the field of helping them, 99% of them untrue. Also, the general public's opinion of mental illness has come a long way to accepting and trying to understand these issues.

If you want to help yourself start by seeing your GP, who will refer you for a likely one appointment diagnosis at your local Mental Health Unit, then you have to chase up options such as medication and therapy but with your diagnosis behind you, it will be marginally easier to get some help. These people are very busy they aren't going to chase anyone up who doesn't want or need medication and they certainly aren't going to hospitalise anyone who isn't at great harm to themselves or others. When I needed to be hospitalised, it took them a week, visiting me three times a day and under 24 hour watch from my family trying to convince me otherwise before I got in - and that was only for a few days - they didn't want to hospitalise me because the help that PTSD needs is therapy and you cannot get that in a hospital under most circumstances.

As my therapist explained - those most likely in a stereotypical sense of the words crazy/insane would likely have Schizophrenia and Bi-Polar, but even now, a lot of the time that can be very well managed/treated with medication or a mix of meds and therapy. The label of PTSD is of no use to anyone, including yourself if you don't use it to get help.

No one here will diagnose you. You'll need to see a professional sooner or later, especially if you do have PTSD. Good luck.

 

[Jugsaw]

I don't think seeing a psychiatrist makes you mad or insane but after I moved out and got my own place at 18 the emotional abuse really kicked in and he turned the whole family against me saying I was not right in the head etc. This also involved him going to my work and telling them that i was a nasty bitch and insane etc. He wrote letters to my fiance about what a terrible person I am. 8 pages at a time he also told my drs and more that i can bring myself to write about. I'd just rather not have to go down that road as they'd all think that was true.

I'm at the same drs or rather I guess I'd prove him right as there is something wrong with me. I tried to kill myself the first time when i was 8. I held a knife to my throat and kept pressing it into my skin. I'd had enough of being hated. I felt excited about not being alive my mum came in took the knife away and left the room, never said or did anything just left. Yes I have been prescribed meds for my anxiety a few times I've also been on the stone age diet for 7 years which helps a lot...I've become allergic or sensitive to just about everything. I can't wear make up or use any products. It's like I'm in overdrive all the time it does effect my functioning but I am limited as I'm on nerve pain meds amitriptaline. They don't mix well with everything and I can't take them all the time because of the side effects. I need a break now and again what I want is Valium that I can take when I need it but they won't prescribe it for me.

Oh I don't know the thought of actually talking in depths to someone and bringing everything up. I think it's best for me to deal with it myself. I always know what to say to myself it's these physical reactions. I need to stop but don't know how. I don't think this is the right place for me reaching out never works for me it makes me weak. I just don't think like other people do.

Thank you. Good luck in your journeys. You are an amazing bunch of people here stronger than me. I know I've mentioned suicide that is not an option now as I have kids and I wouldn't want anyone to kill themselves but I understand why you would feel you have to ...

 

[Candleflames]

You remind me of where I was about 3 years ago. It was a very scary place. So scary and disorienting that I thought there was no way anyone could help me out of it. I just knew I had to do this on my own. Six months later I was ready to end my life and that scared me even more. I didn't want to do that to my kids so I started looking for help. A year after that I found someone who could and his help has made a world of difference.

I have to put it out there that I am in no way stronger than anyone else. I'm weak and scared and often want to give up. I don't know if what is going on with you is ptsd or something else but I'm happy to listen (or more aptly read). Your posts make me think you are someone who needs care not someone who is weak nor crazy. You don't have to go it alone. Feel free to private message me if you'd like.

Multiple chemical sensitivities sucks in so many ways. I have them, too, some of which are life threatening.

I am wondering if you talked to your doc about your father's behavior. It's odd to me that anyone would see his behavior as anything more than a reflection of his own imbalance. I know you are not feeling up to it right now, maybe in a few months.

Please realize that you do deserve better from life. It will take some time but you can get to where you want to be.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Just a hypothetical question, what would be the worst thought anyone could think of you if you had been in hospital - that you're really struggling and don't know how to cope - or that you're lying and nothing you say has an ounce of reality to it - or something else, I'm just curious. When I was in hospital I was met with a combination of respect, understanding and sympathy and a lot more belief in what I'd been saying, because it was clear how much it tormented me.

the emotional abuse really kicked in and he turned the whole family against me saying I was not right in the head etc this also involved him going to my work and tellIng them that i was a nasty bitch and insane etc he wrote letters to my fiance about what a terrible person i am 8 pages at a time he also told my drs and more

This also sounds like my father - he got me wrongly diagnosed the first time and then was always there for me, just enough for me to set my foot into one of his traps again. But I think it speaks badly of him not you - what father goes and deliberately makes their child's life hell.

the thought of actually talking in depths to someone and bringing everything up I think it's best for me to deal with it myself

Many of us feel that way, but it really does help talking to someone else - you've had 36 years dealing on your own maybe you need some help. It's not fun and it's not easy but it's not running or trying something you don't know will work, it also takes some of the pressure off you, and helps you carry that weight - it's scary relying on someone to help you, but it is a weight off, even if it is still difficult. As to flashbacks or somatic experiencing in therapy its horrible, but the therapist is there for you, to help. Not to insult or judge.

If you're not ready to deal with seeing a therapist or psychiatrist now, then you will have to go with your gut and if you think it's PTSD, there's a good chance it could be, only you will be able to use your own knowledge of PTSD to see and understand yourself. Maybe one day you'll develop the strength you think you need. Good luck.

 

[digger]

oh I don't know the thought of actually talking in depths to someone and bringing everything up I think it's best for me to deal with it myself

I think you'll probably find that that resonates with the majority of people here and the majority of people generally who get therapy. It's not easy asking for help especially when you're used to watching your own back. It's not easy to rely on someone else when you are used to being let down. It's not easy to talk when you are used to keeping your mouth shut or keeping things to yourself. In fact it's bloody scary, and it's okay to admit that it is.

I can tell you that going for counselling is the last thing in a million years I would have said I could ever see myself doing. I've been seeing my counsellor for about a year now. Some sessions I still can't talk to her - seriously, I can spend an hour with her and not say a single word to her the whole session. Most of this year I have just been learning to trust her and I think probably make sure she's not going to walk away. It's still bloody scary, but I am just about beginning to think it might be the right idea ;)

What I'm saying is, you may or may not come to that decision yourself, but if you do it will be when you are ready to I guess. When things either get so bad that you just know that you can't do it on your own any more (my case) or hopefully because you've just come to a place where you think it might be worth trying.

Whatever you decide regarding that, I think speaking to your GP again might be a good plan to see if you can come up with a better meds plan together. I have lots of really crap reactions to lots of drugs so empathy with you on that one. If you don't feel you're getting the right support from your GP then is changing a possibility?