I've been with my partner for just over a year now and I'm...I don't know, I'm not happy but I can't really put my finger on why. Things had been fine but since I graduated in the summer, I've become very isolated and depressed. All my friends have gone back to their hometowns and although I am working, I am not socialising at all, other than with my partner. I know that's unhealthy but I don't know how to branch out. I feel like the place that's been my adopted home for the past four years of my degree, is now an alien environment and despite being here for so long, I now feel like a visitor who forgot to leave.
There's a few things that I think are pointing towards ending the relationship but honestly, I don't want to end with her, even though logically I guess it would be the sensible thing. Firstly, there's a kind-of ridiculous age difference, she's much older than me (we're talking decades) and as much as we are interested in similar stuff and have the same sense of humour and generally get along really well, it is a factor against us. Big age-gaps seems to be something that tends to happen in same-sex couples and also seems to be something that causes disaster as well?! I'm at the start of my career and to put it bluntly, she's towards the end of hers. I'm renting, she's got her own house. I need to build up work experience and go back to university for a post-grad qualification whereas she's thinking more along the lines of paying off the mortgage before retirement. It scares me to think like that but it's true and I should stop with the head-in-sand routine.
I guess what goes along with that is I am homesick. I miss my family, I am over 250 miles away from home, and all I have is my partner. There's no other reason for me being here. I feel like she is my entire life, whereas I'm just a part of hers. A big part I'm sure, but there's aspects of her life I still know nothing about.
I've met her brother, one sister and her niece, but none of her friends. As ridiculous as this sounds, she's at my house pretty much all the time (like daily/every other day) and yet I've only set foot in her house once in 13 months together. Is it just me or is that weird? I've stopped inviting myself over because I get nowhere. She won't even let me give her a lift home if we've been out, she'll ring a taxi instead. She's babysat my pet when I've been home to visit family and due to that, my pet rodent has spent more time in my partner's house than I have?!
We've also only spent three nights together in total, all of which were spent in hotels on weekend breaks and after a concert once because it was too late to get the train back. She's welcome to stay at mine, but won't. I think getting a cup of tea at hers is mission impossible, never mind staying over.
She gives me things and is really romantic and sweet, but even that has felt a bit oppressive at times? A bit too much, if that makes sense? Especially when she turns up with groceries "because I'm here all the time and eating all your food, tee-hee"...I am grateful but it still strikes me as a bit weird? She buys me things and is so sweet but it feels over the top sometimes. When I got back from a recent visit home, I arrived back to a pile of little presents. Daft things like shower gel (because she missed my smell apparently) but also stuff like underwear and a jumper, which I can't decide whether or not it was meant to be a sexy gift, a thoughtful/practical one, or just plain, well..."mumsy" (eurgh!)?
I have told her about being homesick and how I can't see how we're ever going to get to the stage where we're living together in our current city, that I can't see myself working here long-term and somehow, we still didn't break up. It's my fault, I should've just done it but part of me is holding onto a hope that in reality is long gone. Even so, after that conversation, she told me the next day that I'd upset her too much for her to eat so she'd gone near enough 36 hours without food at that point. The way she said that made me feel guilty and then I thought "actually that feels quite manipulative", but I haven't said anything to her about it. She had a hospital appointment that day after the conversation, came and told me about not eating because of me and then later on, after having been to the appointment she failed to mention, said it was because of anxiety over that. Why didn't she tell me beforehand?
There are little, slightly, hmm, I don't know, things that are irritating me as well. Like for instance, her constant jibes that I'm going to leave her. Like yesterday, she took me to the garage to pick my car up from it's service and we both drove back. I got home first and went out back to have a cigarette, thinking 'well she has a set of keys' (that doesn't seem so smart now). She never said that she'd arrived back, she never knocked on the window or anything. Instead, when I pass the hallway, she shouts "boo!" from the bathroom as I walk past. Well I just about died, it wasn't funny. I screamed, curled up in a ball, started crying. She knows I have PTSD and I had a panic attack. The response "I'm sorry honey, I wouldn't have done it if I'd known you'd not find it funny and react like that. It's just I got here and there was no sign of you so I thought that you'd f*cked off and left me without saying anything." I was confused and went "you thought I'd left you? My car is outside and this is my house so where else would I be? Okay I didn't let you in because I never heard the door but you must have realised as soon as you came in that I was out back, but because of that initial reaction from me not opening the door, you decided to get revenge by giving me a heart attack?" Like, I dunno now whether I was the one being sh*tty or she is? She said that she saw me from the kitchen window (still didn't think to knock on it to let me know she was back) and then said that I was texting someone non-stop (so obviously that means I'm playing away) and she decided "f*ck it" because I was too engrossed in someone else. I was actually watching a three-minute parody of Les Miserables whilst I smoked! But when I showed her the video, she was having none of it.
Also, when we've been out to bars, she's accused me of eyeing up someone else, saying "you're interested in that female aren't you? I see the way you're looking at her. Well go on then if I'm not enough" etc. Which, even though I was simply just looking around the room, forces me into the defensive. I'm sick of being stuck in defence trying to prevent myself from unwittingly scoring an own-goal against myself. Then last night, we were in our usual pub/club and she points out this very scantily-clad girl, talking about her bum etc, trying to get a rise out of me. I just said "couldn't care less honey, she's not you. Besides, why are looking at her?" and she didn't respond. She was clearly trying to get me to get as jealous as she is whenever there's like anyone in a public space at the same time as us, or she was trying to get me to react...I dunno, in some way that made me look as if I thought this girl was attractive so she could tell me off? I might sound like I'm going mad, but it's hard to describe this stuff with all the body language and undertones and intentions to people who weren't there. But it felt like she was goading me.
I care about her deeply, she's funny and kind and caring but I feel like I'm being treated like a child, kept isolated from her life and well, I'm giving up a lot to stay here and I'm losing a lot of money on rent to stay here, without getting an awful lot back. I know this probably sounds like I've made my mind up and I guess in one sense I have, but I don't want to end things with her. MY head says that staying is stupid but my heart hasn't given up on us. She's so lovely to me so much of the time and even when she's not, I wonder if she means it or even realises she's doing it and would she be mortified and hate herself if she knew how she made me feel sometimes?
There's a few things that I think are pointing towards ending the relationship but honestly, I don't want to end with her, even though logically I guess it would be the sensible thing. Firstly, there's a kind-of ridiculous age difference, she's much older than me (we're talking decades) and as much as we are interested in similar stuff and have the same sense of humour and generally get along really well, it is a factor against us. Big age-gaps seems to be something that tends to happen in same-sex couples and also seems to be something that causes disaster as well?! I'm at the start of my career and to put it bluntly, she's towards the end of hers. I'm renting, she's got her own house. I need to build up work experience and go back to university for a post-grad qualification whereas she's thinking more along the lines of paying off the mortgage before retirement. It scares me to think like that but it's true and I should stop with the head-in-sand routine.
I guess what goes along with that is I am homesick. I miss my family, I am over 250 miles away from home, and all I have is my partner. There's no other reason for me being here. I feel like she is my entire life, whereas I'm just a part of hers. A big part I'm sure, but there's aspects of her life I still know nothing about.
I've met her brother, one sister and her niece, but none of her friends. As ridiculous as this sounds, she's at my house pretty much all the time (like daily/every other day) and yet I've only set foot in her house once in 13 months together. Is it just me or is that weird? I've stopped inviting myself over because I get nowhere. She won't even let me give her a lift home if we've been out, she'll ring a taxi instead. She's babysat my pet when I've been home to visit family and due to that, my pet rodent has spent more time in my partner's house than I have?!
We've also only spent three nights together in total, all of which were spent in hotels on weekend breaks and after a concert once because it was too late to get the train back. She's welcome to stay at mine, but won't. I think getting a cup of tea at hers is mission impossible, never mind staying over.
She gives me things and is really romantic and sweet, but even that has felt a bit oppressive at times? A bit too much, if that makes sense? Especially when she turns up with groceries "because I'm here all the time and eating all your food, tee-hee"...I am grateful but it still strikes me as a bit weird? She buys me things and is so sweet but it feels over the top sometimes. When I got back from a recent visit home, I arrived back to a pile of little presents. Daft things like shower gel (because she missed my smell apparently) but also stuff like underwear and a jumper, which I can't decide whether or not it was meant to be a sexy gift, a thoughtful/practical one, or just plain, well..."mumsy" (eurgh!)?
I have told her about being homesick and how I can't see how we're ever going to get to the stage where we're living together in our current city, that I can't see myself working here long-term and somehow, we still didn't break up. It's my fault, I should've just done it but part of me is holding onto a hope that in reality is long gone. Even so, after that conversation, she told me the next day that I'd upset her too much for her to eat so she'd gone near enough 36 hours without food at that point. The way she said that made me feel guilty and then I thought "actually that feels quite manipulative", but I haven't said anything to her about it. She had a hospital appointment that day after the conversation, came and told me about not eating because of me and then later on, after having been to the appointment she failed to mention, said it was because of anxiety over that. Why didn't she tell me beforehand?
There are little, slightly, hmm, I don't know, things that are irritating me as well. Like for instance, her constant jibes that I'm going to leave her. Like yesterday, she took me to the garage to pick my car up from it's service and we both drove back. I got home first and went out back to have a cigarette, thinking 'well she has a set of keys' (that doesn't seem so smart now). She never said that she'd arrived back, she never knocked on the window or anything. Instead, when I pass the hallway, she shouts "boo!" from the bathroom as I walk past. Well I just about died, it wasn't funny. I screamed, curled up in a ball, started crying. She knows I have PTSD and I had a panic attack. The response "I'm sorry honey, I wouldn't have done it if I'd known you'd not find it funny and react like that. It's just I got here and there was no sign of you so I thought that you'd f*cked off and left me without saying anything." I was confused and went "you thought I'd left you? My car is outside and this is my house so where else would I be? Okay I didn't let you in because I never heard the door but you must have realised as soon as you came in that I was out back, but because of that initial reaction from me not opening the door, you decided to get revenge by giving me a heart attack?" Like, I dunno now whether I was the one being sh*tty or she is? She said that she saw me from the kitchen window (still didn't think to knock on it to let me know she was back) and then said that I was texting someone non-stop (so obviously that means I'm playing away) and she decided "f*ck it" because I was too engrossed in someone else. I was actually watching a three-minute parody of Les Miserables whilst I smoked! But when I showed her the video, she was having none of it.
Also, when we've been out to bars, she's accused me of eyeing up someone else, saying "you're interested in that female aren't you? I see the way you're looking at her. Well go on then if I'm not enough" etc. Which, even though I was simply just looking around the room, forces me into the defensive. I'm sick of being stuck in defence trying to prevent myself from unwittingly scoring an own-goal against myself. Then last night, we were in our usual pub/club and she points out this very scantily-clad girl, talking about her bum etc, trying to get a rise out of me. I just said "couldn't care less honey, she's not you. Besides, why are looking at her?" and she didn't respond. She was clearly trying to get me to get as jealous as she is whenever there's like anyone in a public space at the same time as us, or she was trying to get me to react...I dunno, in some way that made me look as if I thought this girl was attractive so she could tell me off? I might sound like I'm going mad, but it's hard to describe this stuff with all the body language and undertones and intentions to people who weren't there. But it felt like she was goading me.
I care about her deeply, she's funny and kind and caring but I feel like I'm being treated like a child, kept isolated from her life and well, I'm giving up a lot to stay here and I'm losing a lot of money on rent to stay here, without getting an awful lot back. I know this probably sounds like I've made my mind up and I guess in one sense I have, but I don't want to end things with her. MY head says that staying is stupid but my heart hasn't given up on us. She's so lovely to me so much of the time and even when she's not, I wonder if she means it or even realises she's doing it and would she be mortified and hate herself if she knew how she made me feel sometimes?
