Justmehere
Sponsor
I grew up in an abuse filled household. My mother was checked out due to dissociation and something else I don't understand... She still has a weird habit of laughing when others are crying and ignoring pain of others. More than being a bystander. I was the main target as a child of the abuse -- and the scapegoat. Even as an adult living far away with zero to no contact, I was blamed for any rage episodes he had about anything. My brother has said he was seen as the golden child. He also has more success as an adult - lived up to it. Meanwhile, I'm always struggling with mental health and trying to survive... ugh.
It's all typical alcoholic dysfunctional family patterns. Just make him happy I was told... and somehow my brother sort of wasn't ever the target and was seen as making him happy. They kept a relationship, and my brother sort of shut me out - for failure to make my father happy. About two years ago, my father apparently snapped, went after my brother. I dunno quite what happened. My brother told me "I thought I could control him, manage the rage episodes, and then he went after me, like he used to go after you."
Years of him as an adult enabling my father and one day he suddenly is the target and he stops enabling it. Basically cuts my father out of his life. In the middle of it, my father is sort of trying to reconnect with me? I have no idea. I just visited for the second time in 15 years. So. Lots of weird. Not sure what I should do for me or where my boundaries are going to be at the moment with my father and mother. I have safety boundaries but not sure what to do with the whole thing beyond that.
My brother is also sort of reconnecting to me. Sort of. I reach out, as I always have, when I have been in town where they all live. He'd invite me over to his place. He doesn't really seem to care about me as a person though. He's randomly defensive about his boundaries with my father, without my bringing it up -- to which I am nothing but validating that I'm glad he is doing what he needs to do to keep himself and his family safe and I fully support him on whatever he decides is right for him with my father. I won't be getting in the middle of that. I also know he may be traumatized so whatever about the random defensiveness.
But me as a person? Doesn't really show any signs of caring. Like it's a duty or a favor to do lunch together. Engages others with warmth, asks how they are etc, and none of that towards me. Talks about himself, his family, etc. But it's not reciprocal. His wife reaches out, sort of, but it's weird. All weird. I don't really feel like I know any of them, because we have been so distant for so long - except my mother.
I'm not sure what to do or how to process it. I'd like to have a relationship with him. I also know it just may be too far gone. I'm also mad. Like WTF. I can't express that to any of them, because what's the point? For 8 years my father said I didn't exist and my brother joined him in it. Now they suddenly treat me like I exist. My father got me a Christmas gift. What. My brother can't even bother with a card. A hello. I want to tell him this isn't an okay way to treat me, but also know that he'll likely just cut off all contact if I do. It's to the degree it feels hurtful, unfair, etc... but years ago, when I tried to say anything of it, I was rewarded with 8 years of being cut off by him because "it's too painful for you to bring it up." What?
I guess I need perspective on this dynamic with my brother. Maybe I just need to accept he's kind of an asshole who won't change.
It's all typical alcoholic dysfunctional family patterns. Just make him happy I was told... and somehow my brother sort of wasn't ever the target and was seen as making him happy. They kept a relationship, and my brother sort of shut me out - for failure to make my father happy. About two years ago, my father apparently snapped, went after my brother. I dunno quite what happened. My brother told me "I thought I could control him, manage the rage episodes, and then he went after me, like he used to go after you."
Years of him as an adult enabling my father and one day he suddenly is the target and he stops enabling it. Basically cuts my father out of his life. In the middle of it, my father is sort of trying to reconnect with me? I have no idea. I just visited for the second time in 15 years. So. Lots of weird. Not sure what I should do for me or where my boundaries are going to be at the moment with my father and mother. I have safety boundaries but not sure what to do with the whole thing beyond that.
My brother is also sort of reconnecting to me. Sort of. I reach out, as I always have, when I have been in town where they all live. He'd invite me over to his place. He doesn't really seem to care about me as a person though. He's randomly defensive about his boundaries with my father, without my bringing it up -- to which I am nothing but validating that I'm glad he is doing what he needs to do to keep himself and his family safe and I fully support him on whatever he decides is right for him with my father. I won't be getting in the middle of that. I also know he may be traumatized so whatever about the random defensiveness.
But me as a person? Doesn't really show any signs of caring. Like it's a duty or a favor to do lunch together. Engages others with warmth, asks how they are etc, and none of that towards me. Talks about himself, his family, etc. But it's not reciprocal. His wife reaches out, sort of, but it's weird. All weird. I don't really feel like I know any of them, because we have been so distant for so long - except my mother.
I'm not sure what to do or how to process it. I'd like to have a relationship with him. I also know it just may be too far gone. I'm also mad. Like WTF. I can't express that to any of them, because what's the point? For 8 years my father said I didn't exist and my brother joined him in it. Now they suddenly treat me like I exist. My father got me a Christmas gift. What. My brother can't even bother with a card. A hello. I want to tell him this isn't an okay way to treat me, but also know that he'll likely just cut off all contact if I do. It's to the degree it feels hurtful, unfair, etc... but years ago, when I tried to say anything of it, I was rewarded with 8 years of being cut off by him because "it's too painful for you to bring it up." What?
I guess I need perspective on this dynamic with my brother. Maybe I just need to accept he's kind of an asshole who won't change.