Do I Trust This Feeling Or Not?

[mytai]

I've had some serious anxiety today. I think I'm losing it. I keep seeing my great-uncle around my city today, I honestly don't think he's actually in my city but I can't help but feel very uneasy. I'm worried that he's here, I don't know what to do. I think my anxiety might just be heightened because of the three year anniversary last Sunday.

I have a very bad feeling that something is going to go wrong. I can't explain it. I need to learn how to deal with these feelings when they come up, I just don't know how to right now. I think it's all in my head. I don't think I can trust what I'm feeling right now. How can I run from something that's inside my head? The internal screaming is overwhelming tonight, I'm on the brink of cutting. I don't want to cut because I worked SO HARD this week not to cut, I made it an entire week with this internal screaming non-stop, and dealing with the three year anniversary of my miscarriage. I don't want to give in, it will only increase the shame I feel.

What do I do? Should I trust this feeling? Should I ignore it? What happens if this feeling I'm having is another legitimate warning? What happens if it is just all in my head and not legitimate? I want a hug so bad... I hate to be touched, but I want a hug. My skin hurts and feels raw from all this internal screaming, like actual physical pain from things touching my skin. I want to feel safe. I feel weak when I admit that the SI is back in full force. Because it is, it's here.

 

[arfie]

First, the touchless hug. (((((mytal))))) I understand, all too well, that paradox of needing a hug while I can't tolerate the idea of being touched. How much more contrarian can it get?

I have been getting allot of anxiety attacks, too. I often wonder if it is something in the air, just 'cause sometimes anxiety seems to hit massive portions of the population at once. This has definitely been one of those weeks.

So, or no, I work on just riding out my anxiety attacks. Deep breaths, etc. Whether the feeling is connected to something else, or not, getting through the moment is still critical. For certain, it projects all over the map in ways that would be counter-productive to any course of action in any moment. Calm before all else.

Another touchless hug for sustenance ((((((((mytal))))))). Hope you get your own sorted.

 

[Ryn]

(((@mytai))), you are so amazing. Lots of cyber-hugs.

I am really proud of you for resisting the cutting, especially with the anniversary putting such a burden on you. You are doing so well and are so brave, even though it doesn't feel like it. I'm so sorry for how awful you're feeling, though. I wish more than words can say that I could just take away this pain and make you feel safe.

I think that whether this feeling of warning is "justified" (for lack of better word) or not, it is "legitimate" in that it is clearly causing you distress. I am concerned for you either way. But I don't think it would be a bad thing to take some extra precautions in making sure you're safe for the next few days. Perhaps have a friend stay with you, or call your therapist to make sure she's aware of this feeling, or whatever else might help you sleep and feel calmer. Even putting extra locks on the doors or something of the sort - even if it seems overkill, in my opinion it is by far worth it to keep you safe, and to help you feel safe.

mytai, I know that you felt a similar sense of foreboding before Christmas, and that that turned out badly. It is no wonder you are so scared right now, and that is why I want you to keep yourself safe and protected. But I also want to offer another warm, reassuring hug and remind you that this could just as easily be, as you said, high levels of anxiety from the anniversary and everything else that's been going on. You have been under an unbelievable amount of stress and you are amazing, absolutely incredible, for getting through it so far. Really. Your fear is understandable, your feelings normal. I hope you won't hesitate in calling a crisis line if you need for fear of sounding crazy - you're not.

I hope you can take some deep breaths, cuddle your pets, and be kind to yourself. Take some precautions to protect yourself if they make you feel safer, and remember how very, very valuable you are. I am praying for you and that this horrible internal screaming will fade and give you some peace. This will pass. I promise. Hugs. xx

 

[franciemarnie]

Trust your feelings. Stay safe at all costs. I don't know if he is there or not, but keep yourself safe. You'll have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

[HelenB]

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so unsafe. You are doing so well with all that you are facing, and I am also so glad that you have been able to resist the cutting.

You deserve to be looked after and to keep yourself safe, not to hurt yourself more, and I am really hoping you can find ways to be able to do that, as you are doing so well at taking the stand that what has happened is not ok and that you deserve better, and I really hope you are able to feed into yourself more and more, that you can do this and can find safety, and that you can find ways to listen to those parts which really are so terrified, and find ways to reassure them and also keep yourself physically safe within it all.

God bless
Helen

 

[mytai]

I didn't know where to put this, I didn't really want to start another thread for just this - so I'm clumping it into this thread I started. I got a call today from the hospital that my medical records from my suicide attempt stay were available for pick up now. So I went in before work to go get them.

I just finished reading them right now. I don't know what I feel right now, numb? shocked? indifferent? I really don't know. I had zero memory of what happened to me after they put the IV's in once I got there. I apparently had a seizure while in the emergency department which I wasn't made aware of, I stopped responding to stimuli for a period of time, I continually ripped breathing masks off. My oxygen levels got so low that they had to intubate me. None of this was told to me when I asked later on.

I guess reading the medical records explained the reaction some of the people had when they were around me. The food tray lady (who called me after I left the hospital), she cried and hugged me before I left, talked to me a lot while I was there. The observational care people who had to watch me 24/7 while I was in the hospital - some of them I felt quite close to at the end. I don't know why those things were kept from me.

The odd thing is, none of it scares me. Reading how low my stats went, how unresponsive I was, things I did, what they did to me, the multiple "mental" diagnosis' they gave me. I don't remember threatening to go home and hang myself if they let me go - I don't know if that was something they made up or what because that has never been one of my SI plans.

Not sure if I should talk to my T about this on Friday. Not that I feel I need to hide it from her, I just don't know if it is significant anymore. Although reading what they had to do to me helps make sense of the dreams I was having while it was happening, and since I've been home. Makes me wonder if the "fainting" dream I was having while in the emergency department was actually happening while I was having a seizure. Guess I will never know.

Logically I think this should scare me, but it doesn't, not even in the slightest. I know this sounds bad, but it lets me know how much my body can handle... so that if I were to attempt this again in the future I know that I would have to take more than I did. How screwed up do I have to be to think that way after reading those notes?

Apparently someone in the ER diagnosed me with PTSD, MDD, GAD, and Bipolar NOS... what the heck it Bipolar NOS???? Has anyone even heard of that before, I mean the NOS part after Bipolar?

* Back to the point of this thread - my anxiety has increased, I swear I see him more frequently, and last night I felt like someone followed me to my car after I left work. I feel ridiculously paranoid right now.

 

[HelenB]

I am sorry to hear you are still finding things so hard. I am not surprised your anxiety and everything is so much higher. I know for me that when the 'protective' part of me, which just goes into the numb nothing matters and it doesn't matter what has happened or does happen to my body state, it does increase my anxiety, because in fact it does matter, and though I want so much for it to not matter, because it feels like the only way I could ever protect myself it doesn't change the fact that actually it does matter and in fact that fear is so real.

I don't know how much sense that makes, as I am very tired but really hope you that as you have had more time for it all to sink in, that you have been able to reassure yourself that actually what has happened and does happen does matter. You do not deserve all the things which happened to you and I really hope you are able to work through with your therapist all the massive trauma which your body, soul and spirit will have gone through with your time in hospital too, as you deserve so much to be looked after and to find a sense of peace within it all, and I am praying for you to be able to find it.

God bless
Helen

 

[mytai]

Also realized that I've missed my Cipralex dose the last 3 days, I'm wondering if it is contributing to my anxiety levels...

But to add to the anxiety I swear someone followed me to my car again tonight. What the heck. I'm losing it, honestly I am. I'm either super paranoid, or I'm in danger.

 

[HelenB]

Sorry to hear it has happened again. Is there any way you can get someone to leave with you when you go to your car and make sure you are safe? Or do you have a backup and number you can call very fast if something does happen? If someone is following you, you really do need and deserve so much to be safe, and it does matter if anything happens, and even if they are not, the anxiety is obviously there for a reason, and I know when I have that part screaming inside me and am feeling so scared, the more things I can do to show that I will actually stand up for myself and not let it happen again, the easier that screaming part can be, and particularly with me, when there is so much if a fight to shut it out and not let it matter, I really do have to make such an effort to do that, but know that it is so important and that that screaming terrified part in me does need it so much, and does deserve it.

Thinking and praying for you today and hope you are able to also talk it though with your therapist, because it does all matter so much, and if that part is feeling so scared and anxious, you do deserve to be heard and supported as much as is possible.

God bless
Helen

 

[mytai]

@HelenB, unfortunately security is gone by the time I leave work after 9pm. I'm the only one left at the office at this time as well. As for numbers I have my cell in my hand as I'm walking. I don't normally park in the lot that I have been the last few days, it's only because my boss has been sick and I was using his spot so I didn't have to pay for parking. When I go in today I won't be parking there.

I will try to bring it up with my T on Friday. Today is my cardiologist appointment, guess I find out if something is wrong with my heart after wearing the monitor for a few days.

 

[Echo]

Hi @mytai - do you carry a rape alarm or something similar? I don't know if there are any reliable ones on the market. Years ago I was given a really stupid unreliable one, but I'm sure there must be better things available now. They may not bring the police running but if they give you time to run or attract the attention of other people, they have a value. Maybe in your situation, it might give you an added level of reassurance. It is quicker than making a phone call and maybe they can be strapped to your body in a way that a mobile phone cannot.

Something is triggering you, whether it is something from the past or a heightened sense of danger based on your environment or, God forbid, someone actually following you. I hope your therapist will be able to help you identify it and work on other ways to minimise exposure to whatever it is.

 

[mytai]

@Echo, I own two, but I don't carry them with me because I find them ineffective. Screaming "fire" gets more attention as opposed to the alarms.

Had my cardiologist appointment. Got the results of wearing the holter monitor last week. Apparently my heart randomly spiked and dropped a few times while wearing the monitor. So I go back in 3 hours for an echo. Then an MRI shortly.