Do I Trust This Feeling Or Not?

[TimeToHeal]

@mytai, how are you?

 

[ill]

@mytai, I am so sorry that you're going through this.

I can definitely understand not wanting to report to the police after all that's happened. I wonder if a domestic violence or sexual assault treatment centre could offer you some strategies on how to protect yourself when the police can't/won't, given that this sounds awfully similar to women who are abused and try to leave.

The thing that matters most is to keep yourself safe, whatever it takes.

 

[mytai]

@DharmaGirl, I had the echo done after I got hit in the face. Don't worry. If something was majorly wrong with the echo I'm sure they wouldn't have let me go home.

@Ryn, the hospital kept me safe last night and into this morning. I was there a long time. Went in close to 10pm last night and got home around 7am this morning. Went straight to bed when I got home and just woke up now and it's like 2pm. I see my T tomorrow so I'm not going to bother calling her.

@TimeToHeal, even if I let the nurses call my T she wouldn't have gotten the message until this morning - she shuts her ringer off after a certain hour. If it was earlier I'm sure if they called her she would have potentially come. I never told them about how I was doing mentally, although I'm sure one nurse figured it out after a certain point because I was doing "ok" visually for a while, then I broke down and could not stop crying and saying I just wanted to go home. I think she knew I was not ok in my head at that point, but she didn't say anything - just gave me the pity look I hate. The doctor who fixed my face kept offering to call the police, and asked several times if there was anything they could do to protect me and if I had a safe place to go to after I left the hospital.

I'm not doing the greatest right now, but at least my face isn't bleeding anymore and the cut it shut. They ended up using skin glue to shut it because it was a thin but deep cut, the doctor thought it wouldn't leave a big scar that way. I haven't looked at it yet since he did that, but I've got some nice bruising happening right now, and a killer headache. They brought in a guy early this morning who was drunk and got hit by a car while walking, he was very loud - amusing with the things he was saying for a time, then he heard the nurse talking to me about the cut on my face and he started yelling that they needed to stitch up my face or he wasn't letting them look at him. He would randomly yell that until I left.

@Echo they kept me safe while I was there. The kept throwing me looks of pity which I couldn't stand, honestly I'd rather you come talk to me or offer a hug than look at me with pity... or completely ignore me.

@ill, I'm connected with a centre like that already. I see them every other week - so I see them next week.

 

[Echo]

Hi @mytai, glad to hear how things have been and that you've been safe and had some sleep. And good that you're seeing your therapist tomorrow.

I know exactly what you mean about pity. It really is the most unhelpful thing. Asking what you need or offering a hug is far more useful. It feels like people think you are below them somehow, though that may not be fair.

I hope also that some way can be found to keep you safe so that you know you are safe. You just deserve some respite and peace finally. I hope very soon you can live totally free of the threat from him. No-one should be allowed to dominate someone else's life like this.

Hugs to Chelsea meanwhile and take great care.

 

[Ryn]

Thinking of you, @mytai, and sending lots of comforting hugs. I hope your therapy appointment goes well tomorrow. Hang in there... You are a truly precious woman. :hug:

 

[mytai]

All I can think about tonight is how I'm going to hide my eye from my T tomorrow. All day today the colour has been getting deeper with the bruising. The swelling comes and goes. New spots are showing up around my eye that weren't there when I was at the hospital. How long does it take before the bruising stops? It's been a little over 24 hours now since I got hit. I honestly think I will wear sunglasses into her office tomorrow and hope they cover the vast majority of the bruising. I can't even touch near my eye because it is so tender, so trying to minimize the severity of the bruising with makeup is not an option, not to mention I can't get it anywhere near my cut. It's glued, but I don't want it to get infected.

The weird thing is, even though I saw it coming (the attack) it still hurts. I'm drowning in this right now, and treading water isn't keeping my head above the surface - I'm sinking like a rock.

 

[mytai]

This is the coloration so far. A lot darker than when I left the hospital this morning. More swollen.

 

[Ryn]

:( Oh, you poor thing, I wish I could come take care of you. That looks so painful. There is so much I wish I could say to your great-uncle right now... :banghead:

What do you think about being honest with your T, and telling her what happened? I'm so worried for you, @mytai - I know it would be hard, but she needs to know. She can take care of you and help keep you from sinking so low. Let her help do the thinking and planning to keep you safe - she is a wealth of resources and you really could use the support right now.

What you are feeling is so understandable, whether or not you saw it coming. You have done nothing wrong, okay? <3

I hope you consider letting your T help you. In the meantime, please update here as much as you would like or helps you. Please take care of yourself.

 

[Echo]

@mytai - I would be shaken very badly for months if anyone hit me, let alone my rapist. Would you find it possible to tell your therapist and insist you don't want her to go to the police? Maybe she could help you find other strategies to ensure your uncle doesn't get to you again and to help you get emotionally safe again? It should be your choice about whether the police are involved and you may need to consider whether your uncle has contacts in the police anyway and how he found out where you were. Do you think therapy will work well if you keep it from her? Please trust her to do what you want. You deserve one of her hugs! If you'd like one, of course.

 

[TimeToHeal]

@mytai, I'm so sorry for all you are going through right now. I'm glad you will be seeing your T today. Though I'm not sure I fully understand why you are wanting to hide from her what happened. While I do wish you would report the assault to the police, I do not think your T can report it against your wishes.

Please don't sit by and allow yourself to spiral downwards. You don't have to do this all by yourself, let your T be there for you and support you. @Echo is right, maybe she would have some new thoughts and ideas of what to do to keep you safe and that monster away from you.

Please do let us know how it goes with your T today.

Sending you strength and :hug:, @mytai.

 

[mytai]

@TimeToHeal it went well with my T today. I didn't end up wearing sunglasses in because I figured wearing them on a rainy day would draw more attention immediately. It didn't take long for her to notice though and we talked about it. She wrote some notes on it.

Then I went to a job interview right after (for a second job) and I got it. Shirt lived excitement because he got me again. Now I'm back at a different hospital, went to urgent care instead. This gash was deeper and required stitches instead of glue. The domestic assault team is involved and they are calling the police with me.

I'm ready to lose it.

 

[Echo]

@mytai - this is appalling. I am so sorry you have to go through such a nightmare, but I sincerely hope that your idiot of an uncle has now lost any last shred of credibility (if anyone entertained such a notion in relation to him), and that he will be quickly rounded up and imprisoned for life. The man evidently has a death wish if he is acting like this. He is clearly mad. You said he would be stupid to hang around; well he is definitely that.

I am glad you are in a safe place right now, but I so want you to be able to just live your life, happily, vibrantly and safely. You are amazingly strong to be able to face and succeed at a job interview with all of this going on.

Let this nightmare be over for you as soon as possible. Do not let him win, @mytai - you are doing all the right things. Let these people stand up for you now.