Do Normal Fathers Or Families Exist?

[J_trustno1]

I felt like writing this thread today because I met someone coming from a normal family and how much she was missing her FATHER!! I mean Father Father I am talking here. She was crying because she was missing her dad NOT mum. Although her mother also loved her but she is more attached to her dad. She came from the same country as me yet had the best father in the world who would do anything to fulfill her wishes.

However, I was just standing there emotionless towards the so called word "Father"! I was surprised to see someone not having a father who wanted a son instead of daughters (yes, they are three sisters) and not berating her or trying to kill her when she was 10 or never being good enough. I kinda felt insignificant standing next to her. I felt I am not important. I know that she came from a normal loving family where she had normal rights as a child or a human being.

What is your take on this? I keep feeling unimportant after this incident. Any suggestions are welcomed.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Friday]

I'm not sure why you'd feel unimportant because people come from different types of families?
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1) most of the dad's I know (both as an adult and a child) were & are pretty awesome. They span the spectrum as far as
how much they were around
- like my dad is one of my best friends, and he was a super involved dad... But he was also gone 6+ months a year out to sea.
- One of my best friend's dad was a (divorced) cop (mostly) home every night. We used to go sneak into bed with him in the morning (he was surrounded by feathers / had the tv in his room / would bring us all breakfast in bed).
- meanwhile one of my son's besties isn't just a SAHD, he's a stay at home homeschooling dad.
What kind of parenting style they engaged in
- Authoritarian (my navy dad)
- Authoritative (homeschooling dad)
- Permissive (cop dad)
But the common denominator is that they're all good men, great dads, who love their kids.

2) I also know some real tools to neglectful and out and out abusive schmucks who should be taken out and shot. When I was 8, I actually took a baseball bat to one of their heads, which had similar effect. So we could add that option as well. Point being, they should never be allowed around kids. Anyone's kids. Ever.
Fortunately, these really are on the narrow ends of the bell curve.
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The inverse of this is that
1) Most of the moms I know are pretty awesome. They also span the spectrum of gone a lot but still very involved, to home all the time; as well as parenting style spectrum of authoritarian, authoritative, permissive.
2) The narrow end of the bellcurve includes all the neglectful & abusive c*nts who should also be taken out and shot.
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= It's not the sex/gender of the parents involved... But the kind of people they are

Also = We are not our parents. Whether we come from amazing parents, or crappy ones, we decide the kind of people we are going to be. It's the single most awesome gift of adulthood. Choice.

 

[Mystery]

Hello J, I too have stood in the shadow of cherished daughters. My best friend had a Dad like that. It was knowing her that started me realizing in detail, just how dysfunctional my upbringing really was. I've met so many men that love, cherish and protect their daughters, with their lives if push came to shove. I know men who are hanging out to have a daughter and keep getting sons!

I have the same feelings toward the word Mother and the word Father. I refer to my childhood carers by their given names. For me they don't deserve to be bestowed with the title of Parents, Father and Mother. These are words that belong with people who care for their family until the day they die.

I get a devalued feeling whenever I have to explain to people that I have 'divorced' my family of origin when they ask who and where they are. I have to fight the feeling that they must think there is surely something very wrong with me for my family to even accept this. I have to fight the need to explain and hope they will just accept it when I tell the new friend that my family is crazy, let alone hope they believe that I would divorce myself from my family for any other reason than the fact I was a pain in the bum, that they rejected.

It's a hard thing to do. To know it was them and not you, then live that reality for the rest of your life. People want to know. When I met my partner's mediteranean, totally overinvolved, loving family, they just couldn't understand this. I felt terrible to see the looks on their faces when I told them I don't have anything to do with my family. They just couldn't wrap their heads around the whole concept or why my family would accept this. I'm sure they were thinking it had to be my fault.

It's just something you have to grow through in time. To see your value to yourself and the world as something separate to how your family saw, you. You have to boldly claim your inheritance to happiness, being a valued friend, colleague, partner, teacher and whatever you define yourself as. You are precious to the world, they were just the launching pad, you are not defined by them. You are defined by you and the trail you blaze for yourself now. One day people will make speeches about you. They could be your children, your partner, your colleagues, your neighbors. It could be your wedding, your fortieth birthday, your fiftieth, your funeral. They will all say who you were and what you meant to them. They are your living witnesses, no one else matters. Those miserable gits who devalued us can eat our dust, Professor J :-)

 

[J_trustno1]

He was never there for me emotionally, physically or financially. He left us own our own and did no duty as a parent! What kind of asshole would do that?

 

[Friday]

It's a hard thing to do. To know it was them and not you, then live that reality for the rest of your life. People want to know. When I met my partner's mediteranean, totally overinvolved, loving family, they just couldn't understand this. I felt terrible to see the looks on their faces when I told them I don't have anything to do with my family. They just couldn't wrap their heads around the whole concept or why my family would accept this. I'm sure they were thinking it had to be my fault.
J :)

Coming from a totally over involved Scandinavian family (whose sister and cousin each married into an over involved Med family)... That look doesn't blame the kids. Actually, it starts to. There is an "Are you an ungrateful snark? Or are we going to need to adopt you?" moment. Because over involved families have a tendency to self-police. When coming across families who treat their children (adult or minor) like garbage there is a brief interrogation, and then :rolleyes: Judgement from On High :eek: where willing -or not!- you are adopted and your family has just been added to a social (or literal) hit list.

It's a conversation I've had to have with my mom many times over (You will not glom. You will not interrogate my friend as to how well they eat, if they have enough clothes, if their car needs repairs, who their friends are, how their boyfriend is -and why he hasn't been brought over for dim sum. You will not ask how well their schmuck of a father is doing, nor find out the nursing home he's In and have a message sent over for cold baths, hard beds, and worse foods through Sheila and June. You will not send Tommy & Jon over to re-educate her schmuck of a brother, nor call her mother and brag about what a wonderful daughter she has to make her feel worthless and undeserving. You will behave. Promise me, or I won't bring Alison over. Yes. If she decides to go to war with her family, I'll tell you so you can join in. NOT before she decides to go to war. Promise me. Promise me, or I won't bring her by, and I'm serious. Not. One. Word. )

 

[Mystery]

FridayJones, that post was so enlightening and entertaining all the same! It reads like a day in my life! So true that they 'self police', that's a great term for it and food is the currency of love, I say that often. It was so strange and unsettling for me to join my inlaws. I would get a phone call from someone and their first words were 'What's going on?'. I would feel intruded upon and felt like I had to answer to everyone. It took me ages to not feel offended and still is difficult for me sometimes. I feel so objectified sometimes too.

I'm a 'keeper', my Mother in law rekons. Then, because I haven't married her son in the five years since getting engaged, I get interrogated over why. 'When am I going to make my mind up, isn't five years long enough to know?!' Now I'm getting, "I don't feel it in my bones that you two are going to get married'. I do love them but the contrast between my experience of family life and theirs couldn't be more at opposite poles. The good thing though is that they get that people get emotional! lol Thanks again.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I think every family has it's own struggles. I think "normal" families exist. Heck, I would have called my family "normal". From what I have uncovered about my childhood, I would no longer call it normal, but other people would.

I spent a lot of time reflecting on the types of families that my friends came from and none of them had "normal" families. Some friends have done quite well while others have struggled a lot.

I do believe that there are families who have loving relationships and resilience and strength together. I would put my family in that category now.

And @J_trustno1 - I don't think you're insignificant. I am sorry that this experience left you feeling that way. Sounds like it was a shock to your system to see such love.

 

[RussH]

Here normal and your normal are different. It does not mean you are insignificant. I also read what you said about your father, and it sounds like he has his own issues to deal with.

I am sorry you did not get the support or love you should have received, and deserved to receive, but your father's failure to be a dad to you, in no way, reflects on your significance, or worth as a person.

If you talked with someone whose relationship with their father is so much worse than your own; would you feel superior to that person? I am guessing, no I am sure you would not, so why compare yourself to this other young lady and feel inferior? Just a thought.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm just the opposite. My dad is great and has been a huge supporter since I was diagnosed. My mom would have no problems throwing me under a proverbial bus (ok, she actually HAS done this to me emotionally many times over the years), and cuts down the very best things in my life. I don't really envy others who have great moms because I am so far gone with any desire to bond with a female that it isn't even funny. (Two female abusers, you can figure it out.)

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

I have never believed a normal family will exist unless you grew up in a community where there was a mother and a father with children that seemed to be normal.
My brother and I were looked upon as "different" because we didn't have a mother but we had a father that was physically abusive. No one did anything to help us because it was all behind closed doors. However, coming to light much later, my grandmother suffered from abandonment and also from depression so she had a bipolar mask she took on and took off at her convenience. Unfortunately, she threw on the martyr mask at her convenience as well to fool everyone but us.
The only normal families that I know existed were the ones who had fathers and mothers who had money, put their kids through school, never had any issues and have well adjusted cousins and such.

No such thing here, I'm afraid. Our cousins consider us "poor cousins", there is so much dysfunction going on it's not funny and I'm considered the black sheep of the family. I don't consider myself the black sheep. I'm the one who came out with dirty hair only to have it washed cleaned through therapy and medication and diagnosis and leaving them all behind. My hair became white....go figure.

 

[Hashi]

she was missing her dad NOT mum.

I'm not sure what you mean... that someone might be expected to miss their mum? If so I wouldn't be able to relate to that at all. I'm not someone who would ever miss their mum. Believe me.

Just because I didn't have a "good enough" mother I still know that some other people do. I'm puzzled by your question to be honest.

J_trustno1, I would not so much focus on your reactions to this but on what you plan to do to process it (ie move through it, rather than get submerged in it). I think there's a risk of getting bogged down in how we were wounded, without an equal amount of focus on how to heal.

 

[J_trustno1]

@RussH : thanks for the reply. No I would never feel superior comparing myself to someone who doesn't have what I have. In fact I would like to help them get somewhere in life if I have the chance or choice to help them. It's only me who has the problem comparing myself to someone who has more than me and then making myself feel shit.

@Solara : Thanks for your input. I know what you mean but this is where I am struggling the most. It's about letting go of all that desire for wanting what I never got as a child.

@Ladyghosthunter : I'm really sorry for what you have gone through :( :sorry:

@Hashi : What I was trying to say here was that this girl loves her father more than her mother despite the fact her mother also loves her. What I was trying to say was that "how can someone love their father a lot more?" I can never like my father after what he had done. I only love my mother.