Do People Sometimes Reflect Your Intensity That Scares Them?

[satara]

This is a topic that comes up with my partner and I when we are out in public (especially when we have a discussion/arguement).

For us our level of intensity may have been desensitized due to both of us being in combat zones. Not sure.

We have had a few incidents that people have reflected that we scare them, and they think we are going to hurt each other when we could be perfectly teasing each other or nowhere near that point.

We know each other pretty well and know when to call an end to an arguement before it comes near there. lol But to others it looks scary.

Admittedly my partner has one of those stares that could scare the best of people, but I simply ignore it. Seen lots of those stares working with infantry guys (thousand mile stares).
Also our level of jokes possibly could be intense to others aswell IF they have not done combat area time.

So I was wondering are others receiving the same reflections?

I also think this is reflecting in my trust issues, which is triggering my anxiety around people.

 

[midi]

Oh yes. I've been intense my whole life--thanks to a violent upbringing. My jokes come across as quite "dark." People are scared by it, definitely.

 

[Marlene]

I've always found that when I let all of 'me' out to people who've never seen it that they tend to be overwhelmed. That's one of the reason I keep her deep under wraps until I'm home. My family loves and accepts me for who I am. The rest of the world wants me to fulfill certain roles and can't handle the real me.

Lisa

 

[patrick]

Now that you mention it, my humor can go over the line sometimes. Not sure if I scare people or offend them, but either way, taking humor a little too far for some folks can end a conversation in an awkward sort of way. For the last several years, I have pretty much avoided arguments all together, partly because I used to scare people some when I argued with them, but more I guess because I just don't care anymore.

 

[cragger65]

Yeah, I've always loved sick humour. If you'd like a sample.... ;) I've been told by both my T's that, in full spin, the still never had the sense that I would harm them, though I was pychotic/screaming/in what felt like a homicidal rage. But that's my T's. If a cop had seen me in that state, I'd have been sitting in jail or the nut house on a few occasions. For the most part now, I keep myself under (maybe too) tight wraps around most people. Insecurity, trust, all that fun stuff.

I'm glad you've got an open/safe enough relationship with the hub to be able to understand each other. That's pretty cool.

 

[reallydown]

Yes...and...I also have that morbid humour streak...As for intensity...once, in a session, I was asked to try and get my anger out...so she got me to throw this object off the wall...when I did (and it wasn't even full strength) she got startled...or scared...even though it wasn't even thrown in her direction. Needless to say...she never asked again.

 

[midi]

I've been thinking about this issue of intensity for a while. Friends get scared and walk away because of it--even though I'm not violent, the intensity does scare them off. I wish it didn't.

 

[Kunoichi]

I think my level of intensity scares people. I lived in a martial arts dojo for the last 8 years, ate, breathe and loved it.

I used to do a lot of fighting and competition so you just seem to get this "aura" about you due to it.

So i can come off as having intimidation which either scares people or makes them more aggressive.

 

[Shamstalat]

My level of intensity scares people but in a different way. I'm emotionally intense--I like to discuss deep things. I am not one for small talk. My sense of humor also scares people, because it reflects things that I know to be real that many others want to live under the illusion that they aren't real.

I've made the mistake of telling someone about one of my traumas in a way that for them seemed too casual. I didn't mean to be casual but I probably came across as it.

I've learned not to be open about myself in any way to most people. They can't handle the real me, as some other posters mentioned. My stories burden them too much, my humor scares them. So I just give them a silent me.

I can definitely relate to a lot of posts here.

shamstalat

 

[Mahtalat]

I am a really intense person. I think it's my intensity that draws people both away and towards me. In the past I experienced a lot of abandonment because of my intensity, I have this strange ability to be very powerful with my emotions, and it bleeds out intensely. People would attach to me and then get sucked down with me when I was down, or pulled up when I was up. I have had so many people say "I can't be your friend anymore, you're just too intense" I had mothers tell me never to talk to their child before because of the things that happened to me, people tell me they can't know me anymore, people tell me their therapists recommend not being my friend...in part many of these people were drained because they were trying to 'help' me. Rather than just be my friend and let me heal. And in some cases people ran away because it made them think of things they didn't want to think about, abuses that happened to them, or running away from something they can't understand or don't want to.

It was just one after the other. Very very few people could ever withstand that, and there's only one person who I am in a relationship with now full blown where we're both two intense people, and we're still together, we're still committed, and still have no intentions of leaving the other, and that's new to me. I guess(maybe) the intensity dies down once you find a balance, and I definitely try to create a good aura around my essence. But I'm still searching for balance and healing. I think I'll spend an entire lifetime working towards that, but my intensity...now that's just apart of who I am, maybe that'll never go away, and if so that's okay...it's just who I am.

 

[Ruth09]

Wow. I'm glad you have someone who has the same sense of humor.

Cus, yeah. When I forget and just be ME, I usually think what I said was funny. And I get those "cattle" looks from the crowd I'm in.

Sorry to say, I get along better with my dog, but she doesn't laugh at my jokes, either.

 

[jeapea]

I can completely relate to what you said Mahtalat. Ditto, ditto, ditto....

And on the other hand, I find it frustrating (and maybe I'm just being judgmental) but my intensity is a result of what happened to me and I can't not be real. I wear no facade, am not always politically 'correct', or socially 'correct', but I don't think intensity should 'scare' people, rather they might consider how sheltered and/or mundane their lives are?

I didn't want to go to the 'school of abuse and trauma' so I could learn about it.... or so I could live with it.... but here I am, just the same. It helped make me the intense person I am. It took the blinders off. Shattered the denial. And I've had to face it head on.

It's like anything else, sometimes people are just afraid of what they don't understand. So, if they haven't been abused or traumatized, they can't adjust their thinking to that level of emotion. It's too much. JMO

jp