Relationship Do they just disappear when they are overwhelmed?

[Marie8455]

The last two months of my life have been filled with nothing but joy, confusion, and sadness. Our story is sort of unique in the fact that we met at a dunkin donuts one Friday morning. Both of us have children and oddly enough our daughters are friends. He found me on Facebook...which is odd in itself because he didn't even know my name. Apparently I showed up as someone he "may know". He was sweet, caring, and super adorable. The connection was immediate and it was electrifying. We met up very briefly alone and he kissed me. He knocked my socks off. The night we met I was going out of town for 9 days. During those 9 days we exchanged texts, pictures, and some great conversation.
Upon my return we saw each other immediately and it was like we had known each other forever. I hadn't felt the way I felt about him in a very long time. Fast-forward about a week and things started to change quickly. Our everyday texts turned into him messaging me one word answers..or him just seeming "off". During one of our "adventures" he explained to me very abruptly that he had PTSD and that he was "crazy". He had previously expressed to me that he had nightmares (never in detail), was scared of drowning, and that he took medication for his PTSD. That day he told me he had a gun...that he carried it every where he went...he even showed it to me. He told me that he had never killed anyone in the US but did in Iraq. He told me that he had pictures of one of the individuals he had killed and he kept it as "memories". I have never asked questions about his time away...during his deployments-I simply listen.
In my heart I felt like something just was not right...why would you go from talking to someone all the time to just disappearing. We had made plans to meet up both on a Monday and Tuesday...and when those days came and went. NOTHING. No message to say he couldn't make it or that he had an emergency. I sent him a message saying: I don't know what is going on with you. I told you from the beginning I don't play games. If you have someone else then I am happy for you. Bottom line donot waste my time. I was upset, hurt, and angry. How could you not only "ditch" someone but he also BLOCKED me from any communication with him.
Two weeks and two days later he came back into my life. He told me that he was sorry for what he put me through and that he hoped i could find it to forgive him. He explained to me that this time of year was extremely stressfull for him...as it reminds him of a good friend he lost while on a mission. He said he was "working" on not pushing people away with his therapist.
I was angry with him and upset but at the same time...how could I be mad at him? He fought for our country and now he fights his own battles within. He told me that he missed me and that he was tired of being alone. That he needed to see me and that he hated hiding. I set some clear boundaries with him...I said if he ever did that to me again I would be gone.
This was a Tuesday and we decided to meet on Thursday. Thursday comes and goes and we meet up. We had the most wonderful afternoon ever...(use your imagination). a few days go by and i hear nothing from him. I sent him a message Sunday saying "Thinking of you". Crickets. NOTHING. The next day he blocks me. I need advice. WTF did i do?

 

[scarfacegrace]

Hi Marie,
I am guilty of similar behavior. Ill try and keep my response brief- I disappear from time to time when I "go to the dark place" because A: I don't want my loved ones to see me like that. B: I want to protect them. Not because i'm violent or anything like that. But when you are someone who has seen trauma, your entire view of the world changes. The rainbows are shattered. And when you find someone you care about who still sees the rainbows, you want to do everything in your power to protect them, to keep them on that sunny side of life... you never want their rainbows to disappear and you definitely don't want to be the cause. You don't want to drag them down.

I've also been placed in "survival mode" and it sounds like your man has too. That is a RIDICULOUSLY HARD state of mind to escape. Your entire brain chemistry changes. So it can be very hard to let people in- especially when you're going through something. You retreat into yourself to deal.

He also may not think he deserves you. he might not think he deserves happiness or a family etc for what he has done. Thats a real issue with a lot of vets. So when you guys start getting happy, reality sets in for himself and he sort of punishes himself by disappearing from you.

now thats my personal reasonings, but everyone is different.

I would suggest being patient. Maybe try calmly explaining to him that you cant possibly understand what he's going through, but you know it must be difficult for him. That you are here for him, and will listen if he ever wants to talk. That you understand that sometimes he needs space, but you care about him and worry about him when he disappears and would like for him to consider checking in with you from time to time- even if its a very simple text- just to let you know he's physically ok. Id try to avoid any blaming words like "this hurts me", or "you're upsetting me" .. because im pretty darn sure he disappears to AVOID hurting or upsetting you.. so that could potentially really spin him out.

PTSD is a very complicated issue. I have it and I don't always understand why I do what I do.
Im sorry you're going through this. Its definitely not for everyone, but you're a very kind person for giving him a chance and reaching out here trying to find out how to be supportive.

*please note im definitely not a professional and everyone is different. these are just my own thoughts as a PTSD sufferer.

 

[Justmehere]

Dating is all about getting to know someone.

No one here can be in his head but based on what you describe, I doubt he is trying to do anything to you or playing any games but is genuinely unable to connect at times due to PTSD symptoms. For many sufferers, there are times we can’t connect to a romantic relationship. It’s likely not about you or anything you did. To his credit, he even owns that he pushes people away and is working on it. Takes a lot of courage to get help, admit it, and work on it.

That he needed to see me and that he hated hiding. I set some clear boundaries with him...I said if he ever did that to me again I would be gone.

You were pretty clear here what you would do if this happened again and it did. If you and him reconnect, it will probably happen again. And again. If you can’t handle unpredictable periods of being shut out, that’s understandable and ok, and it would be probably be best to politely move on.

If you want to learn to endure it and stick it out longer with him, that’s another matter. Because you were reasonably clear you wouldn’t stay if he had to isolate again, if he has any respect for your boundaries, he may not expect the relationship to continue now that he has isolated again. So if you want to try to make it work, then a new plan moving forward would have to be figured out... if/when he’s able and ready to connect again.

 

[Marie8455]

Scarface,
Thank you for reaching out to me-it feels good to hear from someone on the other end. The first time he disappeared on me I won't lie...I was hurt and angry. I myself, have suffered with issues of abandonment and some PTSD due to childhood issued. Him just disappearing brought me back to that dark place (I have not shared that info with him). I tread very carefully with words (with him) and I am extremely empathetic. The first time that he came back he was extremely apologetic and he told me that he was sorry and felt terrible. I explained to him that I wouldn't pretend to understand what he was going through...that I just new that he made me so happy. It seems like each time this occurs and we rekindle he opens up more and more. Just listening to him and his struggles makes my heart hurt...I want to hold him and tell him that we can get through this together. We both share a passion for music and so the last time we where together the song "When I am gone" by Three doors down started playing. We both laughed because I was just listen to that song in the car on my ride to his house. He looked at me and said "The lyrics to this song are so true" and he just smiled at me and kissed me. In that moment I felt his pain. We have this attraction that I can't even explain...I have never felt that much passion with anyone in my life.

This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I continue to wonder if I did something wrong...but I know that this is his way of coping. He needs space and time. I at first thought that maybe there was someone else but realize now that it was just my fear taking over. I have replayed in my head a million times what I will say to him if and when he returns. I continue to work on myself so that I can be stronger for him.

Hi Justme,
I would like to clarify my previous statement. I have no issue with him isolating at all...this is a coping mechanism I use at times. We had mad plans to meet on a Monday and on a Tuesday and he was a no show. He then blocked me from social media and disappeared for two weeks. I explained to him if he ever made plans with me again and just didn't show then I was gone. I think it is important to set boundaries and stick to them. This time we met up and it was great. We met on a Thursday and after a few days...Sunday..I sent a text saying "Thinking of you". That night he removed me from his social media once again and it has been a week since I have heard from him. I don't think he is trying to hurt me...he is just dealing with the stress of an everyday life and me. He has my heart.

 

[Hojay]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s sad and confusing, for sure. But my advice would be: stick to your boundary. You stated it for a reason, he heard you, and he crossed it anyway. The reasons are not important. He could have the saddest war, childhood, whathaveyou story on the planet, it doesn’t matter. Don’t let compassion turn you into a doormat. Even if he doesn’t “mean” to hurt you, he is. And that’s all that matters at this point. Also, you haven’t known him for very long. As with anyone, with or without PTSD, it’s not wise to infer too much from what they tell us in the beginning. Judge them by their actions, not their words.

 

[EveHarrington]

I say this in the nicest possible way.

Please just leave him alone.

You see our struggles as “game playing” and “wasting your time”.

I do not believe you have the patience or the understanding to be a ptsd supporter.

 

[Hojay]

I do not believe you have the patience or the understanding to be a ptsd supporter.

I see where you’re coming from here, but I don’t think it’s fair or accurate to boil this down to a supporter’s lack of understanding or patience. That line of reasoning turns people into co-dependents. It doesn’t have to be deemed “game playing” to be considered behavior that is incompatible with a relationship. Us supporters can have all the understanding and compassion on the world for “why” they behave as they do, but it doesn’t mean we should use this understanding as an excuse to let them behave however they want to.

 

[Sweetpea76]

... and sometimes it takes a little education to make somebody more patient.

In everyday relationships, this isn't how you treat people your interested in. How is somebody unfamiliar with PTSD to just "know" that there is an underlying issue? It makes perfect sense to get irritated when you are stood up without the minimal effort of a text. That's pretty shitty behavior.

People come here to learn.

 

[Marie8455]

I say this in the nicest possible way.

Please just leave him alone.

You see our struggles as...

I respectfully disagree with your statement. I do not see his struggles as playing games at this point. I have been in a relationship with a narcissist (about a year ago) and he would purposely break plans and not think a damn thing about it. SO, yes, I am guarded and sometimes thoughts do slip into my head. I came here to learn and understand him and help make myself a better partner. I have not contacted him in any way and I understand that he needs space. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell...especially when I don't even know if he is "ok".

 

[EveHarrington]

I said those things in the same sense that if you labeled someone’s behavior due to cancer or diabetes as “game playing” then you wouldn’t be a match for them, either.

I don’t think you understand just how hurtful this attitude is toward someone who is truly suffering.

If you insist, please go on calling him a game player. It will go over like a lead balloon and get you nowhere. Believe me when I say to you that PTSD symptom flares are not game playing.

 

[Hojay]

Where was he labeled a “game player”? Maybe I missed something?

 

[Marie8455]

Where was he labeled a “game player”? Maybe I missed something?

I am actually really confused by the statement above too! I feel like Eve didn't read my post AT ALL! I simply explained the situation and then asked if this was normal? I asked for advice on how to deal with the situation. :eek: I am not a judgemental person and never will be-with that being said it doesn't mean that sometimes my emotions do not get the best of me.
I have admitted I know NOTHING about PTSD and the behaviors that come along with this condition. I am looking to understand what happens to him when he isolates. I can feel his sadness when I am with him and I feel like he is trying to protect me.