Relationship Do they just disappear when they are overwhelmed?

[Marie8455]

I said those things in the same sense that if you labeled someone’s behavior due to cancer or d...

I am extremely confused by your words. Did you read my original post at ALL? I am actually looking for advice on how to support him. I was also looking for advice from some one who suffers...as they may be able to give me some great insight.

 

[EveHarrington]

I DO have PTSD myself.

You said this...

“I sent him a message saying: I don't know what is going on with you. I told you from the beginning I don't play games. If you have someone else then I am happy for you. Bottom line donot waste my time.”

This is where I got the game playing and wasting time parts.

You said you don’t play games in a roundabout way of accusing him of playing games. I’m telling you as someone who has ptsd myself, that if someone said this in reference to my symptom flare, I would take it as an accusation of game playing.

Here’s a 2 second bit in what is an eternity of PTSD information.

When we are stressed the part of the brain that is active is a very primitive part of the brain. It only cares about keeping us safe and keeping us alive. Anything and everything else? Not even on the radar. We cannot even comprehend wasting your time or playing games with you as this kind of activity (and really, any kind of activity beyond survival and safety) is not in our capacity at that time. Keeping people happy? Keeping relationships afloat? Not a concern as neither of these things are important to our immediate safety and survival.

In this sense ptsd is very much a brain disorder. Parts of our minds get hijacked when stressed so everything else is pretty much on the back burner until we can calm down. If you add “drama” at that time, the calming down period is longer.

I don’t make this stuff up. I just explain the phenomenon of what goes on in my head and what I experience. I’m about 10 years into healing and this still happens. I freaked out on a great guy last night and probably ruined the relationship. I don’t know how to get the brain hijackings to stop happening. I just know that they happen and they ruin relationships. If you see others post about how we have short lived relationships....this is why. Out of necessity, not choice.

 

[Hojay]

I didn’t see you as labeling him, @Marie8455. You ask if this is normal? Isolation is common, yes. Some sufferers need time and space to manage their symptoms.

Blocking from SM, engaging in sexual contact then disappearing, doing so after being told where your boundary is? Sure, that’s common too...among sufferers who are not very likely to be able to have any semblance of a relationship.

I think what @EveHarrington is getting at in the end is that we need to understand how unbearable this disorder is and how it may cause people to behave erratically. That’s good to know. But as I’ve said above, compassion and understanding should never lead you to put up with behavior that causes you such hurt. Compassion and understanding is how battered wife’s stay with abusives husbands. There’s always an “explanation” for someone treating you badly. Sometimes the explanations plain don’t matter, nor should one concern oneself with the reason when certain lines have been crossed.

My guy and isolation? We have a protocol in place and he’d never disappear without a word. He knows how insanely hurtful it is to be left hanging in that way and he’d never put be through that, no matter how symptomatic he is. So he tells me he needs time and space, I respect it. It’s clear we won’t go to sleep without a text. It’s clear that when the house is burning down, I can always call him. It’s clear that he will re-engage. It’s clear it will be a matter of days, not weeks. If it were weeks, he’d tell me, using his grown man words. If he disappeared on me without a word, I’d try to find out if he’s alive, then consider us separated. (Unless, of course, there’s a reasonable explanation that prevented him from giving me a heads up; think hospital, true nervous breakdown, etc.) That’s after 3 years of a committed relationship. Yeah, that’s how little tolerance I’d have for that kind of stuff.

 

[Hojay]

@EveHarrington Just out of curiosity: What, if any, responsibility do you see the sufferer having in this?

 

[Sweetpea76]

@EveHarrington if this thread is bothering you, move along. This is not the place for drama.

 

[shimmerz]

I set some clear boundaries with him...I said if he ever did that to me again I would be gone.

You put your set boundaries in place. If he can't honour them when you have been so clear about them, I can't see any other option because if you back down from what you have set with him, you will be teaching him that your boundaries just don't matter.

As an aside, I do recall a person - I am going to say pressuring (not saying that you are) into having a relationship with him. I kept saying no. He kept inviting me out. Like as a friend he said. Even that I had a hard time with. I couldn't be out in public at that time while feeling safe. I was overwhelmed very easily. I had all sorts of issues.

He kept on it. He eased me into things like meeting at restaurants etc. I mean, it opened my life up quite a bit. At the end of the day however, I never could transition from friendship with him to a relationship - which he found very difficult but as much as I tried - a relationship and the feelings that came with it were too intense for me. I would react big time so I had to keep drawing away to get my sense of grounding back.

It all exploded and he was hurt in the end and I feel very responsible for that. He is a good man. But although I kept thinking I would be okay, saying that I would be okay - I clearly wasn't. Had we both focused on what my actions were saying - not my words - I think it would have saved him a whole heck of a lot of heartache.

 

[Freida]

from the sufferer side...
If you set a boundary you need to stick by it. You may need to play a bit about what kind of things you will tolerate and what you wont, so they may be a bit flexible here and there. But. You can't be wishy washy about them. If you give me an ultimatum I'm going to test it the next time I'm symptomatic to see if you mean it. If you "give in" too much that will be the last time I ever honor that boundary because I know you really didn't mean it. You won't be able to go back and set it again.

I know that sounds a bit like a temperamental 2 year old and I don't mean to be. But when I'm in isolate mode there are very few rules in my world that I will live by. If I decide to take off I will. If I decide to go spend 1500 bucks at a spa, I will. If I decide to erase you from my life --- pooof! It's not because I don't care -- but it's because I don't care. (hows that for specific! :hilarious:)

I think that's the hardest part for supporters. When my world comes crashing down in my head it changes my thinking processes completely. Just getting from one moment to the next is a challenge and all I hear from those around me is blah,blah,blah,blah. Hubby says it's like I become a zombie. I'm there, but I'm not. Yipping at me to answer questions, talk about my feelings, be a human? Yea, you just don't register.

Where your guy is right now? either he is a total ass who is playing you or hes symptomatic and doesn't have enough coping skills to keep himself together ---so he bails. I get that. Losing control is DANGEROUS. Even when it's really not it feels like it will be. So we hide so we don't hurt ourselves, someone else, or just embarrass the crap out of ourselves.

Me? I'm more like @Hojay ’s guy -- I don't take off without warning (anymore) and I do regular check ins -- but it took years to get here. And the reason I do is because hubby drew a line in the sand -- and didn't budge when I called him on it. I knew he was serious when I wasn't symptomatic so I held on to that when I was.

This is what you may be up against. I think the idea of being a supporter and the reality of it are really different. I had no idea what mine went through until I started to read the supporter diaries -- and I was shocked. If you are thinking about staying with this I'd suggest really reading what they have to say. Because there is a chance this is the best he will ever be and you will have to decide if it is something you can handle in the long term. And you will have to decide if you can set boundaries and stick to them.

 

[joeylittle]

@Marie8455 - please log into your account to post.

 

[Skywatcher]

The longest shutdown I have ever had lasted three days. Barely left my bedroom. The only thing that motivated me to not shut down completely was my children and I covered by telling them I was sick. If you have a chance to move on, I would. I wouldn’t want to deal with the disappearing. It is bullshit. I believe that it is possible for a sufferer to isolate and still communicate (though very briefly each day) enough to give their partner some security. If they are as severe as him in his disappearing I would say that you all need a communication system in place that you both agree on.

Also, being intimate or having a great day with someone I love can be overwhelming and set me into some isolation, but ususally just a few hours. Good stress can be just as hard as bad stress.

 

[Marie8455]

@Skywatcher the disappearing is extremely difficult. Right now on day 12 of no contact. I sent him a simple message saying "thinking of you" around day three of not hearing from him. That same night he deleted all social media and has been silent. Apart of me wants to just know that he is ok. I have no way of doing that and do not want to push further.

 

[EveHarrington]

...hmm. Day 12 of no contact.

Ok, so I think it’s important to recognize your needs. Are you ok with 12 days of no contact? I think you’d be hard pressed to find anyone who was ok with 12 days of no contact. I understand we are symptomatic, bla bla bla, but if you can’t even text “I’m not dead, just need space” every so often, then I think that you’re not healed enough to be in a relationship.

God knows I have my own brand of crazy, and isolation beyond 2.353 hours isn’t part of it.

If he comes back and you want to work on it, set guidelines and boundaries. This is of the utmost importance! I had a crazy blowup that started at 2am. It resulted in my guy saying the pushing and crazy texting needs to stop. I need to use my “break” emojis and step away from my phone. (I’m a pusher, not a runner.) It’s only fair....if I can’t step up to the plate and change my behavior, it’s not fair to expect him to stick around.

 

[Marie8455]

@EveHarrington Thank you for your words! I am not OK with 12 days of no contact and don't think I ever will be. I have used those 12 days to think about what is best for both of us. I continue to work on "myself" and move forward. At this point...what would I say upon his return? What could he possibly say to me that would make this better? At this point...I have no clue. I just feel like...maybe he could give me some warning...that he needs space. We need to establish a plan. In my opinion I don't think he is capable of having a relationship with me. His words...telling me -he hated hiding...he was sick of being alone...He hoped that I could forgive him...and that he knew that he was pushing me away but was working on it with his therapist are not meeting his actions.