Childhood Do you all feel this is truly treatable/fixable? Or just who we are?

[Kellyb]

Hi all. I’ve been dealing with ptsd 30(?) yrs. I tried therapy several times. I don’t anymore. I accept that this is who I am. I am intensely private and avoid most human interaction. So, opinions requested, do you all feel this is truly treatable/fixable? Or just who we are, and stop hoping for better , and just deal. Serious question, plz don’t give cliche answers. Thanks.

 

[osiris]

Welcome :)
I’ve not been here long but this place gives me hope that things *are* treatable, even if I’m doing a rubbish job of holding things together most of the time. People being kind and getting it is half the battle for me.

 

[Friday]

Were you interested in answers stemming from childhood trauma only, or all kinds of trauma?

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, it’s treatable, perhaps not fixable. But not if you refuse therapy and isolate. IMHO.

 

[grit]

In all fairness everybody is different. And also it depends what is considered treatable or fixed by anyone?


In my small amount of contribution to PTSD arising from childhood is that it does create some character traits for better or worse. For example, I would say before I was treated and went to therapy (basically my adult life), I would say my character was sort of shaky and underdeveloped but the upside, I made some decent decisions that took me to the right direction like jobs, relationships, and general things like making friends and having some hobbies in life...but the downside was I really did not know who I was other other than what my abusive mother drilled on me.

I was sort of polarized either well integrated and making life choices or completely disintegrated and isolated but was OK with that. I did not see that as bad but framed it as having a recharge time. Now I know that was isolation according to everybody here and in therapy process but at the time, I used my isolation time to see who I was...cause well no one else was annoying me so why was I still so sad and broken? but occasionally I will be also in bliss all alone so I sort of figured very early feelings come and go and were not under my control at all...but did not know how to take advantage of them.

Now I am in therapy intensely both dyad and group and what I know (which is still infantile steps literally and figuratively speaking), is that I can feel Feelings much better than I was before or I can distinguish or see them coming on. Before I was driven by life direction and now I am driven by minuscule steps of feelings and body sensations. Now I know how I feel now determines what happens later not the other way around of what I will do in the future will determine my feelings then. I feel more in touch.

In essence, I break down my life what is inside of me and what is outside of me. Inside of me has a lot of broken parts that I am taking care as I type here. My feelings and self parts are all over but I am aware and trying to learn how to be compassionate (more so than ever before) and how to be grateful not to beat myself for looking unconscious yesterday and thinking I am conscious today (you see what I did there ...it is never ending life examining of learning who I am in my own time and be kind to me and others along the way).

and looking outside of my life like am I independent, if not why not? and do I need others to take care of me and how exactly? do I contribute to humanity in any way whether work or spiritual or otherwise...and so far that is working OK too cause it is more concrete. external and materially I feel good so this takes some pressure off to focus on other things like the ability to change career and not be financially ruined.

Not sure if this gives you hope, answers your question or aids you in anyway, but at the end, for me it boils down how do I tell my story?
I can tell it from the perspective of the abuser - I am nothing/but a crying baby or difficult or this or that and trying to be reactive to that ( a full time job) or MY perspective that I am a small human in the big bucket of humans and will fall and hurt and get up and smile as much as I can with other humans so I am not so alone ....obviously I am choosing the latter but won't lie to you and say the first does not try to rear its ugly head now and then.

 

[Ronin]

I'd answer it as helpable... to better quality & enjoyment of life.

From all sorts of trauma (t)angles.

 

[Kellyb]

Were you interested in answers stemming from childhood trauma only, or all kinds of trauma?

Well, multiple traumas (one by a psychiatrist, therefore the isolation and not wanted that sort of help); but the childhood stuff seems to be the most formative. I get torn whether accepting this way of life or fighting for more. The older I get the more willing I am to simply deal with this life. It seems a logical choice to me but others seem to think that help, well ....helps. I certainly don’t know but I like seeing other reactions. Seems to be a lot of diversity in coping techniques. Isolating and dark humor are mine lol.
Thanks for responses

 

[Chris-duck]

I think it depends, like if you're happy with dark humour and isolation I don't see why you gotta change that. But I guess by posting here you must want something to change, n some things are changeable n some aren't. So I guess it depends what "better" would mean for you?

 

[Kellyb]

In all fairness everybody is different. And also it depends what is considered treatable or fixed by anyone?


In my small amount of contribution to PTSD arising from childhood is that it does create some character traits for better or worse. For example, I would say before I was treated and went to therapy (basically my adult life), I would say my character was sort of shaky and underdeveloped but the upside, I made some decent decisions that took me to the right direction like jobs, relationships, and general things like making friends and having some hobbies in life...but the downside was I really did not know who I was other other than what my abusive mother drilled on me.

I was sort of polarized either well integrated and making life choices or completely disintegrated and isolated but was OK with that. I did not see that as bad but framed it as having a recharge time. Now I know that was isolation according to everybody here and in therapy process but at the time, I used my isolation time to see who I was...cause well no one else was annoying me so why was I still so sad and broken? but occasionally I will be also in bliss all alone so I sort of figured very early feelings come and go and were not under my control at all...but did not know how to take advantage of them.

Now I am in therapy intensely both dyad and group and what I know (which is still infantile steps literally and figuratively speaking), is that I can feel Feelings much better than I was before or I can distinguish or see them coming on. Before I was driven by life direction and now I am driven by minuscule steps of feelings and body sensations. Now I know how I feel now determines what happens later not the other way around of what I will do in the future will determine my feelings then. I feel more in touch.

In essence, I break down my life what is inside of me and what is outside of me. Inside of me has a lot of broken parts that I am taking care as I type here. My feelings and self parts are all over but I am aware and trying to learn how to be compassionate (more so than ever before) and how to be grateful not to beat myself for looking unconscious yesterday and thinking I am conscious today (you see what I did there ...it is never ending life examining of learning who I am in my own time and be kind to me and others along the way).

and looking outside of my life like am I independent, if not why not? and do I need others to take care of me and how exactly? do I contribute to humanity in any way whether work or spiritual or otherwise...and so far that is working OK too cause it is more concrete. external and materially I feel good so this takes some pressure off to focus on other things like the ability to change career and not be financially ruined.

Not sure if this gives you hope, answers your question or aids you in anyway, but at the end, for me it boils down how do I tell my story?
I can tell it from the perspective of the abuser - I am nothing/but a crying baby or difficult or this or that and trying to be reactive to that ( a full time job) or MY perspective that I am a small human in the big bucket of humans and will fall and hurt and get up and smile as much as I can with other humans so I am not so alone ....obviously I am choosing the latter but won't lie to you and say the first does not try to rear its ugly head now and then.

thank you for all that. I feel truly that some of the isolating is my personality type too, so it’s hard to tell if it’s because I’m wired to be a loner, or because of trauma response or both. All I know is that it’s difficult to get help for this if I can’t seem to leave the house ??

I think it depends, like if you're happy with dark humour and isolation I don't see why you gotta change that. But I guess by posting here you must want something to change, n some things are changeable n some aren't. So I guess it depends what "better" would mean for you?

Bingo! But the couple people in my orbit tell me how bad it is; so I then wonder. I’m not exactly happy, but the less I interact, the more calm the symptoms so....we do what we can right.

 

[Chris-duck]

Okay.. so do you think your isolation is a problem? Like what symptoms are you avoiding? And do you want to change it?

Like it's a really personal thing imo. Nobody can tell you what your life *should* be like. You just gotta decide if you want shit to change or not. N either way is okay imo ?

 

[grit]

It seems to me you might be both a loner and also a person who had trauma. But the bigger picture is can you find a therapist that does on skype? I honestly think a lot of these type of isolation issues could be dealt with if more therapists were willing to work with the person in her own comfort zone.

I am a loner at heart but I am married too but I feel a loner at heart and I used to fight against this and finally accepted in fact I am a loner and married too. I do require a lot of space to reflect and to distract but I tell myself that is what I need.

If it helps, have you tried to journal and write what you like about the solo time and what is problematic when it feels isolating? Because I think if you like being a loner but still feel you also like people sometimes that is a framing issue and if you see it for yourself it may click.
If you want to be a loner period...that is fine too if it aligns with your inner voices not what others think is this or that.

One of the many ways to know something is trauma response is when you want something but you see yourself doing the opposite or sabotaging and no matter how much you try you do not seem to be able to stop it. That is a good indication there are other forces keeping you this way and you may need a person to go along with you and be your champion against overthrowing the abuse/trauma etc.

 

[Kellyb]

It seems to me you might be both a loner and also a person who had trauma. But the bigger picture is can you find a therapist that does on skype? I honestly think a lot of these type of isolation issues could be dealt with if more therapists were willing to work with the person in her own comfort zone.

I am a loner at heart but I am married too but I feel a loner at heart and I used to fight against this and finally accepted in fact I am a loner and married too. I do require a lot of space to reflect and to distract but I tell myself that is what I need.

If it helps, have you tried to journal and write what you like about the solo time and what is problematic when it feels isolating? Because I think if you like being a loner but still feel you also like people sometimes that is a framing issue and if you see it for yourself it may click.
If you want to be a loner period...that is fine too if it aligns with your inner voices not what others think is this or that.

One of the many ways to know something is trauma response is when you want something but you see yourself doing the opposite or sabotaging and no matter how much you try you do not seem to be able to stop it. That is a good indication there are other forces keeping you this way and you may need a person to go along with you and be your champion against overthrowing the abuse/trauma etc.

I like your perspective, so logical which is easier for Me. I’ve always been a loner, I am happiest alone with my dogs. But the fact that it is a burden to my hubby (20 yrs of dealing with my bullsh*t) makes the guilt shame feelings almost too unbearable. I had a doc in my 20s that, well I lost years of memories because, well anyhow. So I’m not just being stubborn, which I am too, but I truly cannot trust to try again. I feel like one time shame on them but twice shame on me. Of course with the whole world freaking out about Social distancing I have a rare opportunity to feel superior cuz I’m a PRO! ?