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Sexual Assault Do you ever feel lust for your molester or rapist later on?

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Yeah as a little girl I used to tell myself stories, like I was part of a situation and didn't really mind. It was along the lines of me being a concubine, but that wasn't the word that I used but a story along those lines.
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Anon # 1 here. I used to make up stories in my head too, though I don't think I started to do so until I was about 13. I did make up ones about being raped too. Later on I did some about being a concubine too. I knew what that was by then, so I thought of it as that.
 
Ah Anon 2,

it is so bizarre in a way that we are having this conversation, so really very terribly sad, that we are having this conversation, but ever so important to be having this conversation. It means so much to me, because I went into a shame spiral and yeah I will speak to my psychiatrist about this next year.
 
Anon #1 here

Yes, it is strange to be having this conversation, and it is so sad too, I totally agree. However it is a very necessary conversation and also, not just for us, but for all the folks who are reading it, who are not able to communicate about it, for fear on so many fronts. I for one, was told that I would end up dead if I ever spoke to anyone about it at all, death by choking. This was demonstrated upon my person too, in a mocking sort of way, but it was made clear that the mocking part would be absent and the reality of it would be mine for eternity, should I open my mouth at all. I did not speak a word of it, even though I did not quite understand what death was, I was that young. I understood enough to know that it was really painful and bad. That was all I needed to understand to know that I had to keep my mouth shut. So now, even trying to tell my therapist about it and extremely difficult. I cough a lot when I speak about it at all. I am managing with writings too a bit, but this week's ones will be very difficult to show my therapist. Feeling reluctant, just thinking about it. I will be brave though! I have to be brave, to get better, right?
 
Anonymous 2 here

You are already being really brave! You are already getting better.

And yes you have to be brave to get better...
 
#1 here.

You are right, of course. Bravery is needed for any kind of therapy. One has to have the courage to communicate about awful things, things that decent people don't talk about, sad things at the very least. We have to take the chance that what we say will not be believed or will be rejected in some other way by the therapist or psychiatrist or whoever we go to for help about them. So thank you for the nice words. On a day such as this, when everyone else is celebrating and my mind is on all this instead, it is nice to read some kind words.
 
Heya 1

You are right, of course. Bravery is needed for any kind of therapy. One has to have the courage to communicate about awful things, things that decent people don't talk about, sad things at the very least.
Yeah

We have to take the chance that what we say will not be believed or will be rejected in some other way by the therapist or psychiatrist or whoever we go to for help about them.
It is a big risk, very brave!


So thank you for the nice words. On a day such as this, when everyone else is celebrating and my mind is on all this instead, it is nice to read some kind words.
Kind and nice words are very important at these times. Many good wishes to you today.

Hang in there you are being incredibly brave.
 
Thanks #2. #1 here.
You too, have a stress-free day, one filled with what makes you happy.

I was able to make it plain last night that I did not want to be used by whatever has been using me. It worked. It stopped. I just hope that it stays stopped!
 
I think this subject needs a certain amount of rationalization.
If someone forces you to to take a drug against your will you might like the feeling that drug induces. That in no way lessens the abusers criminal violation of your right to say no.
Likewise if a sexual assault in any way stimulated you sexually at the time or afterwards YOU WERE STILL FORCED AGAINST YOUR WILL TO DO THAT WITH SOMEONE YOU DID NOT WANT TO DO IT WITH.
That is the crime, both legally and morally.
You did not want to take that drug. You did not want to experience sex with that person and how your uncontrollable instincts and feelings were affected by that is part of the reason it is a crime.
No one here has anything to feel ashamed of or disgusted with themselves about.
 
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Thanks. @raven688 Trying to see it that way. Agreed. (OP here). Of course those who are perps would not agree, that is the problem! None the less, I have been getting better and stronger at saying NO! That is what I can and have been doing, what I want to continue doing, no matter what this is, whether it be imaginary or something somehow real or just something from my past that is being triggered.
 
Thanks for posting this question. I have often wondered about this and have never been able to talk about it. I always felt that people wouldn't understand or that it would somehow downgrade my experience (to others). Anyways, yes. Absolutely. The day after I was raped, he messaged me...saying sorry and that he was a POS. Long story short, I went back and saw him again the very next night. I had consensual sex with him this time. It's something that I never understood. I feel as though the incident really screwed me up. After everything, I still wanted to be with him, but it was the last time I saw him.

It's been over eight years... I'm in a happy place. However, I still feel this unwanted attachment... a curiosity perhaps. I am very bothered by it. I have often considered confronting this person. Though, I know in my heart that it wouldn't help. I once had romantic feeling for him... and even a "friendship." I have always felt that people would mistake my feelings for still having a romantic attachment to him. However, that is far from it. Like others have said, I think it's just the mind trying to cope with what happened.

Naturally, I want answers to why or how one could treat me so poorly... but is there really an answer? I mean, this person lacks normal human emotions. A person like that doesn't care how their actions affect others.
 
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