Do you ever think that maybe nothing happened to you?

[Freida]

So bout that....

I have actually told both my T that I'm just making it all up --- multiple times. I will insist that nothing has ever happened to me and that they just can't figure out that I'm lying to them. And sometimes I even believe it.

It's easier to believe that I am so nuts that I would invent horrible stories for attention than to admit/remember the things that happened to me - and the things that I did

I am getting better at not denying and accepting these things happened, but sometimes I still wonder. They both agree it's a protective mechanism for when I get overwhelmed - and it doesn't even faze either of them. They just wait till I'm ready to say...well maybe this might have really occurred

Look in The Body Keeps the Score.... He says every trauma victim he works with denied their trauma at some point in therapy. That one paragraph has kept me sane at times...

 

[Changing4Best]

My childhood molester used to say, every time after he finished his dirty deed, "This didn't happen." And so it is hard for me to counteract that statement at times. In fact, my mind is even telling me that he never said that right now. That is how powerful that little statement is in my mind.

 

[whiteraven]

I am going through some sort of denial where I feel like I made up my trauma. Logically I know I cou...

Oh yes. Totally. All the time. And I beat myself up for wasting all of this time in therapy and on meds and whining and complaining for all of this fake and made up stuff.

 

[mumstheword]

I still question myself "is my ex really as horrid as I think he is? And my parents?"

I have to go over factual stuff and things other people have told me because I don't trust my own mind on it.

My Dad is an ok guy, he just has Aspergers and was suicidally depressed when I was growing up and was too out of his depth to be able to be there for me.

My ex and mum were both gaslighters and that is why I doubt my own experience and "right to be this ill" if that makes sense.

Part of me wants to blame myself, judge myself, invalidate myself and try to minimize everything, as they have done to me.

 

[Freida]

Part of me wants to blame myself, judge myself, invalidate myself and try to minimize everything, as they have done to me.

Wow. You could have pulled that sentence right out of my own head. My t has been after me for years to try to make me see how damaging it is to tear myself down because I can't face what happened. She also says it's a coping technique that saved me then, but one I need to unlearn because I'm not the bad guy in my mess. And when I see what you wrote I see what she means. You are NOT the bad guy in this. You are the survivor and you have every right to "be this ill"

If I cant convince me and you can't convince you....guess we will have to convince each other. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Wow. You could have pulled that sentence right out of my own head. My t has been after me for years to...

Thank you @Freida :-)
I think I will take you up on that one.

I need to get on top of this habitual negation and self doubt.

I know that it was a tactic used to manipulate me, control me and shut me down and it's only this year that I've completely pulled the plug on those relationships.

I also have a habit of apologizing for ridiculous things. I will make a beautiful meal for my family but be apologizing that it's not good enough, as I'm offering it too them. My partner pulls me up on it, thankfully.

I get the most beautiful, kind and glowing feedback from so many people, but I feel bad for so many things.

I feel bad when I hear abusive neighbors because some part of me thinks I should be out there sticking up for whoever is copping it, or trying to passify the loud abuser. Yes, my neighborhood is rough and troubled.

I think I carry so much guilt and shame just for having this illness. And I've had it so long, I don't really have a before PTSD.

For myself, I wanted to be invincible and endlessly serviceful. For others, I wanted to care for them, protect them and make sure they know I love them and that they are valuable. For them never to have to feel as I have.

So to acknowledge my illness means I need a lot of consideration, care, time for myself, rest and the right kind of attention.

That kind of scares me because it requires a lot of change in attitude from me and brutal honesty.

 

[Freida]

Seriously. @mumstheword Get out of my head!!..:roflmao: Lol

So I'm over on another thread having a meltdown and I come back and read this and there ya are writing for me again!

it's one of the things that's so amazing about this site. We all share so many of the same ideas. Like this..

I think I carry so much guilt and shame just for having this illness. PTSD.

I tell myself.....Suck it up cupcake it wasn't that big of a deal. And it certainly wasn't enough to cause ptsd. You should be ashamed that you can't cope because you are weak And blah blah

And this one

So to acknowledge my illness means I need a lot of consideration, care, time for myself, rest and the right kind of attention.

I tell myself.... I don't deserve consideration or care or rest. I just need to get it together because...wait for it...I'm making it all up anyway.

It's shocking to see how deep that denial can run. And so very helpful to know that I'm not the only one struggling with it

 

[mumstheword]

Seriously. @mumstheword Get out of my head!!..:roflmao: Lol

So I'm over on an...

I'm happy that my words have given you a little comfort and clarity.:-)

It's a hard pattern to dislodge alright.

I need some better, more targeted therapy, but what I do get does good things for my self-view.

I guess this the nature-of-the-beast has shame and a sense of guilt as core features of the illness, and communicating like this shows us we are not so isolated and freakishly abnormal as we thought.

I don't even remember the earliest trauma and I certainly couldn't rely on my mother to be honest about what might have happened.

It leaves me feeling so wrong and sort of in limbo.

I know she was very mentally ill when she left my Dad for a schizophrenic man when I was 2 and 1/2, yes, I was left with her; why Dad?!!!!

I remember visiting her schizophrenic boyfriend in a hospital, and I remember being aware that it was a psychiatric hospital and that he was mentally unwell and I was very small, maybe 3? So he must have wigged out during the time we were with him. That can't have been too much fun for a small child.

She also let on another house mate had given me majic mushrooms when I was 3 and 1/2. For some reason she found nothing wrong with that.

What else was done to me back then? That's the thing, I don't know, so my mind normalizes all the crap I lived through and denies me a sense of validation.

I remember being sexual with another 3 year old, letting him do things to me that I seemed very familiar with. I remember we were hiding behind a couch to do it so I knew it was bad and wrong and shameful.That memory disturbs me.

I know lots of horrid things happened after that, but abuse was normalized to me, I thought I was just a yucky, worthless peice of human excrement.

Damn, it's a bitch to get on top of!

 

[mumstheword]

So, the problem lies in the fact that there had been so much covering up of abuse done to me, that even if I'm experiencing some sense of memories; of very early sexual abuse, my mind just tells me I must be making it up.

My subsequent life and state of being, however, tells another story.

I have another rape I don't remember too. A drunken rape at 16. My mother know about it and didn't respond appropriately that time either.

I was left thinking it wasn't even rape, it must be been my fault, because I was drunk. I know that one happened though, because of how sore I was and because other people told me. I could have died of shame.

Was left, unconscious, naked, on a front lawn. Had to be pumped back into my body coz I nearly died, of alcohol poisoning, not shame.

 

[Freida]

That is so sad. That anyone should have to live thru the things we think of as normal is just heart breaking.

Here's what my Ts are always trying to beat onto my head.

Denial was your brains way of protecting yourself from things no human should ever be asked to survive. Your brain saved you then using the only coping technique available to it. And that was necessary at the time. But now those coping techniques are not necessary. You just don't know how NOT to use them. We need to retrain your brain to find ways to cope using something other than denial

And some days I even believe them

 

[SpacemanSpiff]

Thank you for asking this question OP. Oh yes I do the same old song and dance routine but with me I always fall on my rear end. My therapist said this is common. You are not alone and I wish you the best. :)