Do You Ever Wonder????

[Kim]

I've only been recently diagnosed with PTSD and Complex Trauma. My father committed suicide when I was 3. My mother was my abuser (wow, what a concept) and my stepfather abused me as well with his silence. This is my "normal". Since being diagnosed, with the help of this forum, I have discovered that there is no cure for this and that more than likely parts of my brain didn't develop normally. This makes things VERY personal indeed. It also makes me very angry that my mother chose to treat me the way she did and that my stepfather ignored it and even backed her up when doling out punishments (she made him the heavy).

Anyway, do you ever wonder how your life might be different today if things had been different? If you had been raised by loving supportive parents? I find myself wondering if I would have been a better student in school. Would I have a decent paying job instead of being unemployed and unable to hold a job? Would I have finished college in the field of my choice instead of quitting in the field she chose for me? Did this have impact on my children? Would I have been a better parent myself? There are so many things I wonder about and that anger me now that I finally know what's been going on all these years and being diagnosed at the age of 52.

Mind you that even if I could change things I wouldn't. I'm happy with my life now. I'm married to a saint (I mean really, the guy should be nominated for sainthood with what I've put him through over the past 20 years). Well, I would change my job situation. I don't do well at being dependent and I feel as though I'm a leech sucking the life out of him (he disagrees -- I told you the man is a saint). I know I'm wondering about things that I'll never know the answers to but I can't help it sometimes. Does anyone else wonder as well?

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah, I used to wonder. But now I spend a lot of effort just managing what I've got and beating the impulses for depression and self harm. I really got angry when I realised that I had had lifelong childhood allergies and other physical problems that were due to my injuries where my parents did not treat them with proper medical care. But I do try to keep myself in an "it is what it is, deal with it" frame of mind and try to remind myself that others have struggles more difficult, some seem to have difficulties that might be easier to bear... the way I see it, I'm in the middle of the pack.

It was the hardest to accept that the members of my family, my ex husband and even this husband aren't going to validate some of the worst of the stuff I went through. I had to come into acceptance that there will be many things I will never know the answers to. This last year I really had to work on chipping away the depression and telling myself that it's okay. It's okay that some things may never be resolved. Sort of a self comforting and self affirming thing so I can move on and look for other ways to move forward.

 

[Kim]

Yeah, maybe I just need to get further down the road. I've only taken a few small steps on that long road so far. Then again it's also difficult for me because my half brother and two half sisters are living their dreams. I'm the only one they treated the way they did.

 

[BlueKitty]

But I do try to keep myself in an "it is what it is, deal with it" frame of mind and try to remind myself that others have struggles more difficult

Agreed!

Some who do not know me well may think I have almost everything that anyone can have, born into a rich family(funny how it's called 'family', it's an inch away from complete shambles), model student, First-tier college student, multilingual, etc. But I sometimes wish, what if I was born into a family which both parent had to work, would they have left me alone instead of beating the soul out of me? If I wasn't smart enough to do well in school to begin with, would they have beaten me for being the second in the class of hundreds but not first? and in that case, many things that followed would not have happened. I sometimes wonder, maybe, I might not have to worry about meeting the social expectations put upon me. Because there would be no such things. I might just be able to be myself, without worrying about people talking behind my back that "BlueKitty is a failure of the family/school/town/class whatever". Maybe the setbacks I have now would not even be part of my world.

It had been done already, sucks but what can I do? Complaining gets me nowhere.
And it's not like everyone else has absolutely no trouble in their life, everyone has their share of troubles they have to deal with.

Can't change what's been done already, can't change the Past.
I can only shape my future.

So I try not to look back...

but YES, I do wonder that. often.

 

[ProductOfSociety]

I would have straight perfect teeth with no medical issues. I'd have graduated college by now and I'd be a very social person. I'd have great friends and great memories. However, that's not the case.
The events in my life have caused me to act, feel, and think the way that I do. I know that I am very different than the common person. I take nothing for granted. I don't like what I have been through but I very much like who I am. I am strong and I know more so of what to do in most situations than others. People really took advantage of me but now I am in control. Now if I could just go without thinking about the past and having it effect me on a daily basis.

 

[BlueKitty]

↑Kudos ProductOfSociety!

 

[zombie squirrel]

I try not to think about it too much, because for the most part it makes me sad. I could have been honest about my life and I wouldn't have to be covering things up all the time. I could have been confident and successful in the things that I've tried and failed to do. However, when I think about those possibilities, I think that I'm probably sugar coating it just because I hate what I'm like now. Honestly, (this is probably really crazy) if I realistically look at it, I think I would have been a huge slut (based off of the way stuff was going at the time and how the rest of my family turned out). It's kind of weird, because sometimes I wonder if I would have been even more messed up (or just messed up in a different way) if that hadn't happened to me. Obviously I'm not really happy about it because it has destroyed my relationships and my career, but sometimes I almost feel like I should be grateful or something. I know that that's ridiculous and horrible, but I guess I just get that feeling sometimes when I think about what my life could have been like.

 

[ProductOfSociety]

I don't think that's ridiculous or horrible. If I would have grown up with the same people, but without all of the traumatic events, I wouldn't have PTSD, but I'd also be just like the rest of my family, which I can't say that I am proud of. So I understand where you are coming from when you think like that.
Now if I would have grown up with a whole different family in a completely different situation, well now that's a different story. ;]

 

[jeeps for now]

I don't think about it too much because I already know I'd be better off had my family been more functional. It's an ironic thought how so many people used to say I had it made, but they didn't see how our family members were tearing themselves apart until the very end.

I do believe, however, that PTSD 'lifers' have certain advantages of perspective that others do not. If I discover them, I'll let everyone know.

 

[AngelaMarie]

I have wondered a lot where I would be today if life was different. Would I have a well paying job and not be disabled? Would I have gotten better grades in school? Would I not have gotten pregnant at 16 years old? Would I have married a decent man?

I could go on and on. However, I also wonder if I would be such a caring person if I hadn't been through so much. Would I be such a good mother to my boys? I don't know.

Could it kind of be a trade off of some kind? I have met so many special people on the forum! I tend to believe we are very special in our own way.:)

 

[hazen]

Often I feel like having PTSD is like trying to walk forward in a horrible thunderstorm. Its hard to see, its hard to move forward, everything is hard, and you just want to stop and take shelter and ignore the storm. But it never stops. And if you don't keep moving you'll get drowned.

Sure it would be easier to get where I was going if it wasn't storming... but I will appreciate that sunny day so much more when the clouds go away. How can you appreciate a sunny day if you never saw the rain? You can't change the weather, you just have to deal with it.

 

[ProductOfSociety]

Very well put Hazen. I suppose that may be another reason why I feel as if I don't connect with others at times though. You never know who has also had to walk through the storm. It is what makes us unique though, to realize the comfort of the sun when it's there.