Do You Ever...?

[TLight]

wow, good stuff Dylan. Thank you.

 

[Dylan]

TLight,

I related so strongly to parts of your post:

"I was so driven so I didn't have to face the crap"
"I deserve to be gentle with that and go easy on myself"
"Relaxing now and taking baby steps is the only way I will 'get back into life.' I want to return to work,but the circumstances will have to be very modified. I can't go back to living how I lived."

For myself, I learned to ignore all my inner signals of distress and just plow on through. Yes, it got me out of bed, out the door, into the world, and for that, I'm grateful. Unfortunately, a by-product was that it also continued to damage my trust in my own signals, my knowledge of what I needed or how I even felt. I'm trying to build that now.

I loved "I deserve to be gentle" and exactly what I needed to hear today. After a spin (even "just" a day-long one), that's what I need to do for myself.

Maybe for some the "kick yourself in the ass" approach is helpful and effective, but after the years of employing that coping skill, it's not what works for me anymore. I had the fear that if I didn't do it, I'd never do anything, that if I wasn't a drill sergeant with myself then I'd be permissive/indulgent and never ask anything difficult of myself. It never occurred to me (since I never saw it modeled) that there might be an effective and healthy middle ground there.

For myself, what I'm attempting to develop is a responsive inner adult - responsive meaning that I respond effectively, tailoring my response to my actual needs at the time (knowing when to be firm, when to be gentle); instead of a "one size fits all" drill sergeant response, to stay connected to myself enough to know what approach is needed when. For me, I'm learning that it is never ok to be harsh and abusive, although, god knows, I didn't know any other way to motivate myself in years past. But I'm learning.

Thanks for the reminder, TLight.

-Dylan

 

[Cindy]

One day at a time!

As with anything, be patient with yourself. Accept the good and the bad days. Make the most of each good day and continue to try to modify the bad days as best you can.

This fall and summer I seemed to have a lot of wasted days, today being one of them. I'm just on overload and just starting to come around at days end.
I took the day off from work and slept on and off all day. I want to beat myself up BUT I'm stepping back and accepting the need.

I think when we get to overload it is time to reflect and think if there are any key sequences of events that have overwhelmed you and to try to create a way to restructure the sequence for the future to prevent it from occurring again. If unavoidable, try to prepare yourself for it in the future. To recognize it as it is unfolding to manage the damage control so to speak.

Cindy

 

[Simpleman33]

Cragger65 ~ You mentioned before a cycle to this topic. I too feel that way. I too have consecutive days where I feel "good", I try to use these high times to put myself in positions i normally do not put myself in. I use the high times to take my baby steps to break my PTSD. For my most recent experiance, which was this last holloween, I got dressed up and went out with my two roommates. (Very good friends of mine from the military - more in my introduction about their role). I already go out every wednesday night and listen to a band at my local bar, same band, same bar, same atmosphere so I feel safe and comfertable. This holloween however we went to a new bar, new atmosphere, new people, new dangers and new threats. I understand that there may not be danger or threats where I am going but my PTSD is from service in Iraq - i get very alert and guarded when I am out in public. I ended up getting on stage for a costume contest and won second place - at first I was ok, I was drunk and surrounded by many other people in costume. Once the group was down to a select few it was like an explosion in my head, I lost my buzz, became very alert and started my normal assesments of everyone in the room. Who was here to hurt me, who is look at me, who could be hiding something, who wants to cause harm. We promptly left the bar at that point.

Its these moments that cause dispare and doubtfulness that I will ever be the same again. Its the next day that I wake up feeling dead and empty again, thoughts running through my head of why even bother to do the things I need to do because it really is a lost cause.

I love the moments before the downfall. The freedom from the dreams, fears and restrictions that constantly plague me.

Thank you for your post Cragger - it helped me find something about myself and understand it more. This forum makes me cry a lot. :Hug_emoticon:

 

[cragger65]

TLight, I can relate to the driven part, I drove myself nearly into the grave (literally) with career, with booze to anestitize myself. When I broke, it was bad. You are doing better with the writing than I, it's something I have to make myself get back too very soon.

 

[cragger65]

SimpleMan, hey, anything you need buddy. I remember thinking that nothing would ever help, but you do learn little things along the road that help, usually just at the right time, when you're ready. It's an odd journey, but none of us are alone here.

 

[Grama-Herc]

Crag

Being one with true agoraphobia I know how this feels and the overwhelming fear that can creep up on you.

Over time I have managed to develop my "Safe Zone" In it I have a gas station and Walmart. I have also managed to include all the doctors for both my self and my mother. The most difficult thing to do is expand this safe zone.

I have wasted a lot of gas(not cheap) and time driving to a place I wanted to go only to be unable to get out of the dam car! Takes several trips but eventually I am able to complete the trip and enter.

Just keep on trying and cut yourself some slack when you don't manage to get there. I have days of go here and go there and the following day I am curled up in a ball, in the bed, sleeping "A LOT"

Hang in there. This mess is hard to deal with at times

 

[cragger65]

Thank you all for your feedback, it has been very helpful all around. Cindi, you're a soft touch - I forget to be gentle with myself, whipping my own arse kept me moving for 35 years, I need to relearn things.

And Dylan, loved you Damage Control. I copied that one for use next time(s).

 

[cragger65]

Amen, Grama-Herc, it is a handful. Just knowing I'm not the only one who struggles with this stuff helps so very, very much. Thanks.

 

[cragger65]

Hi Cindy,

This appears simple enough on the surfce - I do avoid loading up consecutive days, my week runs one day on, one day off which I'm blessed to get away with. Is there a cognitive re-structuring aspect to what you are saying as well? If so, is there a formula you could share?

I think when we get to overload it is time to reflect and think if there are any key sequences of events that have overwhelmed you and to try to create a way to restructure the sequence for the future to prevent it from occurring again.