Do You Feel Emotions When Discussing Trauma?

[Deleted member 35429]

I relive physical feelings in therapy a lot. Tremor, cold chill, high heart rate, various pains from assault, snowy/blurry vision, feeling disconnected and foggy enough that I feel sedated. But I don't have any emotions in session. I feel nothing. I can't even imagine crying when discussing what's happened. My therapist has always mentioned that it's odd that I never cry or feel anything.

The only times I have had strong feelings were toward my therapist. Ive been furious and hurt and betrayed and cried over all kinds of issues of transference with him. But I feel absolutely nothing when discussing trauma. The trauma is pretty bad, like, being left naked in the street as a teen after being raped, having people look away and not help, and more, lots more.

Have any of you gotten past this? It feels like I'm 'over it' like it's not that big of a deal anymore but if that were the case then why would I still have physical PTSD symptoms?

I remember one week crying every day. So I cried maybe 5x. Is it possible that is all there is to this? one week of crying and I'm over it?

 

[Bristol]

I relive physical feelings in therapy a lot. Tremor, cold chill, high heart rate, various pains from assa...

I have no emotion in there either, my T says she is surprised at how mellow i am when we talk about it, maybe it comes with time but it would be a massive thing to get to the point of feeling it all and not one im ready to get to!

 

[screen-name]

I honestly love the disconnected feeling. I am on meds now that have stopped it but part of me missed it. I used to be able to shut off feelings at will too, that was somewhat useful.

I guess what I'm saying is that emotionally shutting down and feeling foggy is dissacociation and a PTSD symptom. It's easier than dealing with the emotions but crying for 5 days means they are there. Your brain may just be refusing to connect them to the memory.

When I get ready for a therapy session, I have all of this stuff to express in mind. As soon as I get in the room it leaves. It's hard to share.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

@Orion, it sounds like your body is expressing your emotions for you. When I feel a knot in my stomach and my heart races and my breathing changes, that's how I know I am feeling anxious or agitated. When I feel a tightness in my chest and my face flushed and my eyes feel funny, that's how I know that I am sad. I also can just "feel" sad without all of the physiological symptoms, but anger and anxiety are harder for me to identify. I am aware, however, that I am chronically anxious, and that rage and anger are there somewhere, buried deep.

Can you try to put some feeling words to your bodily sensations?

Also, some people have alexithymia (not sure if I'm spelling it correctly), where you just can't identify and name your own feelings. But that doesn't mean they are not there. It is not uncommon to have a hard time feeling emotions around the trauma, and then feel things very intensely over a "safer" issue.

Sometimes I feel very numb, very detached, or I feel a very limited range of emotions. It can be hard for me to distinguish between that (which doesn't feel good), and just feeling bored or "merely" content.

I've also just completed 10 weeks of a very intensive trauma-focused therapy. At the end, I was able to talk about the one particular memory we were processing without crying, without having too much hyperarousal (physiological symptoms), but was still connected to the memory and the pain and sadness. That is, although I was able to recount the memory without being super emotional, I wasn't numb and detached ... I was just ... at a better place with it.

I hope with time you can get to a similar place, ie, feeling and identifying your feelings, processing them, less physiological hyperarousal, then coming to a place of peace. Peace & blessings to you!

 

[Hopefully]

@Orion, I can really relate to this, in particular the tremors, they start in my legs and move up my body, it took a few times to realise that they weren't actually noticeable to anyone else. I also have a chest pain and a general tension all over my body like it is preparing for something. I didn't think I felt any emotion other than fear but as @Lola Nocheprieta said this is your body expressing the emotion. My mind was trying not to connect with it, to cut it off, but the exposure therapy was forcing me to and this was my body's reaction.

I have never cried in a therapy session, I rarely cry at all, but there are still lots of ways to feel and process the emotions without this, we are all different. I think in time you learn your own responses and are able to identify what you body is telling you. When your mind is ready it will get there too. That is what I am hoping for anyway!

 

[watundah]

For years, I did not. It was more like reporting facts. What pushed me into feeling it was writing about events, memories, hurt, and sadness and then reading my writing aloud to my therapist. There was something about giving voice to my words and having a witness that made it real. (Then I plummetted into overwhelming sadness, but that's a story for another post.)

 

[mamachick]

I was pretty much unable to cry too. I had a pretty flat affect. Then I went off all medications. Now I have a full range of emotions. I just started with a new therapist and was recanting the trauma and started to cry...then was a bit mad at myself for it and wondered why. Given more thought, I think the tears were more about the shame and humiliation of having to say what happened. I think I was crying because it makes me feel weak that I didn't just get over this and am not the strong person I expect from myself. Its a kind of grief of the loss of myself.

 

[Crow]

Twenty years I could talk about the abuse but had no feelings. I knew I should be angry or sad or anything but nothing came. I thought I was broken beyond feeling. Then last year in session it was like a gentle flood and emotions came. But they weren't overwhelming. They just were. T says that part of me unfroze and sometimes that takes a lifetime of work.

 

[The Albatross]

I don't in the telling then usually realize afterward it was "too much". It is kinda perplexing. The "feelings" come afterwards, sort of like a delayed reaction.

 

[Rumors]

Gosh I get no emotion either. All I feel is anxiety. ANXIETY!!!!!! I don't know what it means just anxiety. I hate it. I can put no words to it and feel like a mute trapped inside a stick of dynamite. I have no understanding of what the anxiety means.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

Gosh I really appreciate all your feedback.

This is the first therapist I have had where I have actually told my traumas to. I have had a hell of a time with dissociation in session and overwhelming feelings of transference with my therapist. My body has physically felt terrified of him for nearly a year. I know logically he is safe but even getting a phone call from him now will give me a tremor. I think the dissociation/reliving of the trauma in the first few sessions was so strong that my subconscious associates him with danger now. How am I supposed to cry in front of someone I find dangerous?

I know this sounds absolutely insane and for lots of reasons I can't do this, but I swear the only way to get through this would be to have sex with him. I really think that would heal me in so many ways. If I could feel him as a person and see that he's not a perpetrator, just to touch him and see that he's real and safe. And to know he still finds me attractive after the degrading awful things I've told him. I know because we live in a society that shames sex this is never going to be acceptable but I'm convinced if we had fun, hot, loving sex just once, I would be able to connect with him and feel safe to have emotions in front of him.

 

[Rumors]

@Orion
I certainly can understand that need to feel a connection with him. I think that possibly you should consider connecting with him on a different level other than sex. Now, I get where you are coming from in that giving yourself to him is the most vulnerable thing you have to share and offer and that his acceptance of that would mean he is worthy of your trust BUT I promise you there are other ways to learn to love and respect and trust him. Invest the time to figure out what that is.... I know that you realize this but you can't sleep with everyone you need to connect with. I just wanted to state that out loud so that you really think about it.
It is a scary, scary thing to trust someone enough to offer the most vulnerable things we can share. I don't know what could make it easier for you but I really do think you should share some of what you shared here and see what he says.
Sending you strength.... Good luck!