Relationship Do You Feel Like You Have To Carry Alot Of The Load?

[IvyMillie]

I don't know if this is part of PTSD but my husband has me do as many things as possible. He does work very hard and I just work part-time. However, it's weird because he will have me do things I would think he would do.

For instance, if we need to call the insurance, he will ask me to do it. I've told him I'm not good at that. If the car needs an oil change, he will have me take it to the oil change place. We do have the old fashioned type of relationship where I do all the housework, laundry, cooking, pay the bills, and do the yard work. He doesn't do anything around the house.

This is fine with me because he works alot. However, it's not a matter of him not having the time to do these things, he just would rather I do everything. Today my tire was going flat. I had to take care of it. Which again is okay--but sometimes I wonder "Can't he do something?" and not try and put it all off on me.

The one thing he does is work on the car--I guess he figures that is one thing he can't ask me to do.

So is this a PTSD thing? or just an old fashioned guy who wants a Susie homemaker to do it all?

 

[amethist]

Could this be a lack of confidence Ivy.

Maybe when it comes to dealing with people other than the everyday ones, he struggles. Talking to the Insurance people, could be a problem if he does not know them.

Or could you say sorry you will have to deal with this, especially if it is something of his that he has asked you to do. Then if it does not get done, his problem not yours.

Just a thought.

Amethist

 

[Jodi]

Ivy I am struggling with this right now too with my ptsd sufferer. It is hard I am not sure where to draw the line or how to draw the line in what all I need to be doing. I don't want to be a door mat but I also feel like he doesn' appreciate anything I do and just wants a dictatorship and I know that is not right either. I am afraid when I bring it up he will get upset with me too. Junebug suggested on one of my other posts to wait and talk with him when I know that he is calm. I am going to ride this storm and wait to see what happens when I bring it up to him in a few days... hopefully! Good luck and let me know if you try something that works.

 

[IvyMillie]

Yes Jodi I know what you are saying. As I've mentioned my husband has moods and when he is in his more controlling aggressive mood I definetely can't bring anything up either. One must tread lightly. I just stay quiet and do whatever I can to keep the peace. I don't know if he changes his moods too?

I think like you said when his mood improves you might be able to bring things up. I too, sometimes feel like a doormat, but my husband is older and I figure it's his generation. I don't think he appreciates what I do--but I don't think anything would ever help him appreciate it. I know he admits to being a bit of a male chauvenist.

That's why I love the old "I Love Lucy" show, because she is married to a man who is a bit of a tyrant and it makes her kind of crazy. She has to do all these kinds of things, I think to keep her sanity from his controlling unappreciative ways.

I think women typically do more than men do. It's very rare to find a man to actually help carry the load. As I mentioned I don't know if the PTSD makes them even more desiring to put more on us.

I wonder if too, they don't like to appear foolish is that part of PTSD or is it just feeling uncomfortable?. My husband had me call the eye doctor about an appointment he had to make sure they ordered the right glasses. He said he didn't want to appear foolish, but it would be okay if I called. So naturally I called.

The only thing that helps me is that I know I don't work full-time so I do have the time to do all of these things and sometimes while he is home watching TV. If I had to work full-time it would really be hard on me. Speaking of such I must get going to do the endless ironing. :)

I do hope you can figure it out--I don't know what your situation is. I suppose it would be nice if there was something he could do to help you out, or at least to appreciate what you do. If you find how to get that appreciation please let us all know. :)

 

[Cyndi S]

Personally I think you may be on to something with the "susie home-maker". I do all the house-work, plus cook, and do the shopping for my house-hold PLUS him. I've always been that way, he knew that when we got together. We are moving in together in a few weeks and all the calls that need to be made ( electric, insurance, moving company, etc) I made. I draw the line though on certain things. I don't mow, I refuse to take care of the cars, and he does one hour of shopping with me a week. We go mid-day on a week day so the stores aren't crowded. I only work part time and have switched the majority of my classes to online but its exhausting!

 

[Jodi]

I know what you are saying Ivy! My man is old fashioned too. It is funny you mentiin I Love Lucy...that is one of my fav shows! I even have some collector dolls! Lol! And "J" comes from a very traditional family. I work full time and also have a second job on the weekends at a resturant so it is so hard to find time to do everything he expects of me. My "T" and i talked about that today too and he said for me to tell him what i eant to talk about when he is calm and say so maybe tomorrow at such and such time we cam talk about that. This way it gives him time to think and gather his thoughts so he doesnt feel "attacked". So i am gonna try it. We shall see.