Relationship Do You Find It Difficult To Be Regarded As A Carer Outside Of This Forum?

[helena]

I suppose what strikes me is that before I came to this forum I never regarded myself as being different to any other woman in a relationship.

From what I see around me, irrespective of medical conditions, every relationship has its stresses. I have always seen my relationship as both equal and 'normal' for want of a better word. Please believe me I do not want to trivilise the condition of ptsd or the role of a carer in anyway (see Carmela's posts) but, for example, my ex did not have a medical, psychological, social issue and would have the societal labels of 'normal' or 'high functioning' even 'a catch' but he was not a very nice person and I did not have a happy life with him.

I think mental health labels can often lead to a person feeling devalued in a relationship and that the carer is somehow 'superior' which is not true. In my opinion, as much as Ptsd is a horrible condition, it does not define the individual - it is the brain that is damaged, not the heart.

Rows, arguments, fights, stresses - they happen with diabetes, broken legs, blood conditions - who or what is normal anyway?

I would be interested in how you view this, in particular, Nicolette and how you see yours and Anthony's relationship and how you would talk about it to non-forum members

 

[georgie1668]

Do You Find It Difficult To Be REgarded as a Carer Outside of This Forum?

Hi

I really do not think of myself as a carer - I just see it as terminology used in this Forum. But of course I do care. I define myself as someone proud to be in a relationship with a man who suffers from PTSD.

Take care.

 

[Nicolette]

Nicolette and how you see yours and Anthony's relationship and how you would talk about it to non-forum members

I view our relationship as better than a lot of people's I see who have no 'medical conditions to deal with'. The hardest part is knowing that sometimes social events can be a let down if Anthony is unwell at the time or knowing the event will make him unwell. The other is Anthony's response to "what do you do?" when in some of these social situations as he tells people he is retired. You can tell they are dying to ask more as they don't know what to think as he is so young....... I guess the first would be the presumption of being rich and I don't know what else but my response if asked further is that he is retired from the Military.

Probably, well actually, I am the worrier so I am always trying to be pro-active in not unnecessarily stressing Anthony so it does add to my stress but other than that there is really nothing else.

When Anthony was dealing with his ex and trying to see his kids and sort out settlement things were very different but our lives have meshed together very well since that has all been sorted. Even going out then was a problem at times as he was so overloaded all the time with the stress from the situation.

It is interesting to note that Anthony's ex Wife's mother made a comment to Anthony recently that how she can see how much less stressed and happier Anthony is with me than her own daughter.....her reason being we are more suited. There was no reason for her to say it nor was she asked. So I guess that helps more than anything else....being able to respect the other's needs so the stress levels are kept to a minimum.

As to how would I talk to non-forum members.....exactly the same as here depending on my interpretation of their capacity to deal with the truth and if I needed to tell them. Some people have asked and I just say that he saw some terrible things in the Military and due to the stress from that he can no longer work and is looked after by the Military. Like anything in life, you pick your people you think you can talk to and shut up to the rest as really it is non of their business. It took me so long to understand the extent of PTSD (and it sometimes has shocked my world) that I wouldn't even waste my time trying to tell someone who I didn't think had the capacity to understand and then it would only be necessary for either medical purposes or the need for me to vent.

I hope I have answered your question.

 

[helena]

You have - and thank you for taking the time.

Helena

 

[armygf]

Helena--you bring up a really interesting point here--to me, the terminology of "carer" and "sufferer" was really uncomfortable when I first came across this board, and I'm not entirely comfortable with it yet. As much as my gf is definitely suffering, especially now with her hospitalization, she has also been amazingly strong and resilient and a carer for me, especially when we were getting through her deployment to Iraq. I can clearly see how right now, I am very much the "carer" and she is very much the "sufferer", but I too wonder if continuously thinking of ourselves in those roles could possibly be a bit damaging...

 

[Deleted member 541]

I would think that the only problem with being and using the terms carer and sufferer, would be this.....

If the carer tried to control/help to the point that it was suffocating the sufferer.....Or that they became too enabling.....

If the sufferer got into the *victim mode* or the *dependent mode* These can quickly lead to unhealthy ways......

 

[Nicolette]

I view the terms sufferer and carer like husband and wife...a description of a commitment or position....yet get married changed nothing in our relationship.

 

[Pam]

Because my Dad is going through a terrible illness that he will likely not recover from, today my C was the carer and I was the sufferer. He held my hand nearly the entire weekend. I just love that man to pieces.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

I don't know that my husband considers himself a carer - I think he just sees this as his role as my husband - to take care of me when I need it - just as I have taken care of him as he needs it. Sure it's frustrating (for both of us) but it's like any other chronic illness - you deal with the hand you are dealt with and handle it the best you can with available treatments.

 

[CCurry]

Hi Helena,

Just like Georgie said it is only on this forum that I've ever regarded myself as a carer. To be honest I've never regarded him as a sufferer either until this past August, the only sign of him having ptsd was that he had/has a exagerrated startle reflex which is work mates have always gotten a kick out of.

In terms of our relationship, it is the best relationship that I've ever been in and I'm well aware now that if he's not quite being himself it is not because he's changed it's because his ptsd is out of control. Overall, he is still kind, gentle, and even though he's not as affectionate as he used to be, I know that he adores me.

Carmela