Do you have boundaries with texting?

[Justmehere]

Do you set and keep any boundaries with texting?

I really respect and value the online peer friendships that I have that are only via the written word. I don't want those to change.

But with friendships offline - people I see face to face and talk to on the phone - and dating relationships... I realized recently that I don't want to do any texting except to set up logistics to meet up or talk on the phone.

it's a new thing, but really a solid sense of how I want to do relationship offline.

I don't know a single person though that has this type of boundary or *any* boundaries with texting.

Just about every friend that texts me does so much more often than I do. I don't knock the value it has... but it gets weird in my brain. I don't find it hard to manage myself with relationships that are only written, only via messages - but something weird happens for me over time when I see people face to face and then they message me about emotional or heart issues or even just politics - which I don't mind talking about any of these subjects face to face. Somehow, it shuts me down and then I have to work hard to not ghost people. I don't quite know why. It's even come up with my therapist.

Can anyone relate to any of this? Does anyone have boundaries with texting with others for friendships that develop offline or online?

 

[scout86]

I honestly hate trying to type on my phone. (Doing it now because I'm waiting & don't do that real well.) But, with most people, I also don't like talking on the phone. So, like you, I use it to set appointments and pass along that I'm running late. For an actual conversation? I prefer either taking or emailing (because it's easier to type on the computer.) Can't imagine making idle conversation via text. (But then, I'm old. :D)

 

[pBj]

Yes, I have major issues with texting, but mostly it centers around men and a past history of harassment. If someone texts me several times without first getting a reply, it triggers the shit out of me. Different than what you describe. I generally do find utility in texting - but I guess I have strict boundaries around it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I notice that the younger generation seems to prefer text. I try to keep my texts simple because I am not a good or fast typer. I prefer to talk on the phone and although I use to be very phobic on the phone, not anymore and can really enjoy my friendships more while talking. I love talking on the phone something the younger generation seems to not do very much. It seems to be an age thing with texting. I think a lot can get lost in the translation of the written word as I do not know the language of texting yet.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm so glad I'm not the only one!

Just in the past hour since I posted, one friend that I saw this morning has texted me many times about how they are crying about abuse memories and etc and etc. If I didn't see them regularly in person, this wouldn't get to me. If we were talking in person, and they were saying these things, I could handle it. I have before. But this? I can't. And then someone texted about a painful breakup they are going through and someone else about poltics and another person a sunshiny face...

It's also different too when it's email or the forum I think, because I can choose when to check it or not. But text, unless I block the number, it alerts and alerts.

I don't want this! I'm angry and frustrated now. Why am I frustrated? I feel like it's like being poked by a stick, demanding attention now, and now and now and now. I struggle to focus on what I'm doing and deal with the alerts.

I know I need to just set the boundary. Probably just need to turn the phone off. Pfft.

I miss landline phones.

 

[barefoot]

I actually love texting but there is quite an expectation of immediacy around it as a form of communication, which can potentially make it feel quite demanding/intrusive.

I guess some of the ways you could set boundaries around texting are:
- turning off your phone when you really don’t want to engage
- turning off sound/vibrate notifications on your phone - so they would still pop up visually on your phone but without the extra insistence of some kind of noisy, vibrating pestering!
- deleting messages without reading them/replying to them
- letting your friends know that you don’t really like texting so can they only use text if it’s about logistics re arranging meeting up/scheduling a time to speak.

 

[Sideways]

Texts are intrusive. If you're someone who needs space and privacy when you're at home, it's really difficult to manage getting a spontaneous (and usually well intended) "Hey, I'm right here, let's chat". I don't spontaneously chat with my friends, I need it to be organised meet ups that have a start and an end. Texts are pretty much the antithesis to that.

I make a point of not responding straight away. I often leave it for a couple of days. That's my boundary. I know lots of people just pick up the phone and shoot off a reply, but I need it to be clear with people who know me that I can't operate like that. They get it after a while. It's not a nice feeling knowing I can't just summon friendliness 24/7, but it's just how I am. If I can accept that? I'm ahead.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I have a dumb phone. No texting. Hahahaha. But I do have texting on my iPad. Personally, I’d rather text, email, or phone than meet up with people. That way I can either just stop texting, or not answer the email or just hang up the phone. Just much easier in the long run....

 

[EveHarrington]

Silent tones.

Best. Thing. EVER!

This way you can set certain people to silent and only pay attention to others.

(Assign the silent ring tone to those you don't want to hear from.)

I tend to just leave my phone in silent/no vibe mode. There's nobody who can't wait for me to get back to them in a few hours.

My guy is introverted just like me. I'm the only person he has a tone for....everyone else has a silent ring tone. He loves hearing from me....the rest of the world, not so much.

It's a way to filter out the noise and just focus on the important stuff/people.

I tend to not respond to texts immediately unless involved in a text conversation. (I only have text conversations with a few people.)

 

[Justmehere]

All the talk of alerts and being on silent is a great point! I don't let anything on my phone give me any alerts, except calls and texts. I don't want my phone to tell me when I need to give it my attention. So much demands attention these days. I will get to everything at the time I set aside to check email and etc. I just now figured out how to turn off notifications for texts. I think that was a huge change I needed to make.

I have delayed responses so long people get angry and tell me I have issues I need to deal with... like yeah I know...

I have been thinking of setting up a work google voice number and somehow figuring out how to have that number on and the personal number can just sit all I need. Then I can check it when I'm ready.

My phone is always on vibrate - gosh I'm not even sure what ring it has, lol. Getting rid of the notifications for text I think is the next step I needed!

I'm so confused right now too. It's new to long for more face to face contact, and I'm not sure how to shift all of this more than just turning off notifications.

There is a big boundary with myself that I need to sort out. When someone texts they are upset and distraught, I can ignore the text and wait to respond... and that usually turns into weeks because I'm simply forget to go back and respond. I don't forget them, I just forget to respond. Maybe I could start putting on my calander to go back and respond to texts.

And I have to start making it clear with friends and family, I need texts to be for logistics only, let's communicate the rest on the phone or face to face. I need more of that.

 

[Justmehere]

Ok. Wtf.

I just got a text that does *not* say "hi jmh, check out this...." but it's just a distressing quote of a political survey finding. No hello no anything. And no we were not talking or texting about that topic. This person has done this several times before.

Done. Not doing this with anyone anymore.

I grew up with a mother who had.non-contingent communication on a regular basis. Basically I could say, "the weather is nice today" or "monkeys are flying out of my ass" or "my arm is bleeding" - and it would be the same disconnected response from her - it was not contingent on anything said or done. I think that's why I don't have much tolerance for this anymore. It doesn't feel like a dialogue.

And when I'm awake at 3am and happen to check my phone, I don't want to see a statistic about the North Korea on my phone before I can access healthy distractions - especially not with any context or hello or opinion on it... or what the heck even?

Not doing this. I'm going to work on now writing a message to all friends to say that I've made the decision I need limit my texting to logistics only - time/location/directions to meet up or talk on the phone, or an update if someone is running late. For other things, let's set up a time to connect up in person or by phone.

No more of this.

 

[scout86]

Something you just said reminded me of this.

Text is one of the ways my clients contact me. And then I have the "not returning phone calls" thing. I flat out tell them all, "The most reliable way to contact me is email. I check my email a couple times a day, and yours will be sitting there staring at me so I can't forget it. With a phone call, I will probably listen to the message while I'm driving and then forget to call you back. A text is similar (except I won't read it while I'm driving). If you call or text and I don't get back to you, try again. It's not that you don't matter, it's that I forgot. "

People turn out to be more trainable than I expected!