Do You Have Symptoms Before A Flashback?

[LhasaLover]

Hi,

I had the weirdest experience in therapy and experiencing Anxiety attacks this week. Partially I thought my father was angry at me and have had a difficult time living with him. Secondly, my brother, who lied and has attacked me verbally and physically helped my mother have me sent to jail under false pretenses.

Having never been in trouble my entire life and attacked physically by everyone in the family, I was a complete wreck and tried to choke myself to death in jail when held overnight (my mother changed her mind and tried to bail me out but had no money to do so). My mother had been drinking and taking pills, fallling, breaking bones and then reporting that I was an abuser behind my back. That was two years ago. My life was put on hold as my mother and brother, not wanting to perjure themselves never planned on going to trial but my brother lied and told the prosecution he would drag my mother there if necessary... Well a year of my life was spent going back and forth to hearings until the case was dismissed. In the meantime, my brother moved to be with his wealthy new girlfriend in Los Angeles and, took my entire life savings which I had invested in my mother's house (I was her caretaker and primary supporter paying all the bills for over a decade) and had my mother resettle in LA. Since then in a short conversation he told me he was having a child and wanted me to be in their lives.

In the same breath my brother told me it was "my choice" to go through what they put me through as I struggle to build the very foundation of my life. I left the home I supported and my mother who I seen through many illnesses with two suitcases and my dog (my little lifesaver).

What shocked me was I had an entire flashback to being back in jail after talking about my brother in therapy. My father is going to visit him this week, I suspect the baby is born and I am so deeply hurt, just heartbroken. I know these people will always be who they are, but mourning the loss of my family is painful.

The therapist pointed out that the jail experience has trigged memories from my childhood. This puzzled me as well. How deep does this PTSD go? Will I ever master my emotions better? I allow myself to feel my feelings... but I honestly didn't realize that I was thinking back to the past... until I mentioned how my mother challenged me to shoplfiting quickly which I was in 4th grade.

I have noticed that I am hypervigilant lately and am wondering if that is a symptom or a cause that triggers flashbacks. On a different thought, do I just have to experience flashbacks until I finally am distanced and desensitized to them?

I have not been in touch with my brother or mother (with the exception of one short phone call with my brother), yet with his baby arriving and the family meeting up (me, noticably absent), I find myself even dreaming about loss.

For now, I will just have to work through it, but any insights or suggestions are appreciated. I have a lot to do and cannot afford to dissociate right now. There is a lot of stress on me to bring in money and I find myself hyperalert on pins and needles.... This has been a battle, PTSD and pulling my life together. Perhaps I need to shift my thoughts to more positive ones.

Thanks & be well,
LL

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Greetings,

Although not a point-for-point answer to your question, some thoughts to share anyhow. For myself it seems that a small succession of discreet reverses will basically prime me to experience traumatic recall. A insensitive driver before me in traffic, my noticing that a library book is overdue, dissatisfaction regarding some content I've read, an email not returned, etc. can combine within my mind to reduce what threshold exists to experience PTSD. Free associating within a PTSD state is terribly frightening as you know only too well, and once 'in motion', rarely stills for conscious effort. In short - it's too late...

What seems to be possible with the passage of time is a slightly enhanced capacity to register when matters seem to be on a downward slide and vulnerability heightens. Across my roughest periods I might have enough awareness to ask of myself what succession of triggers both discreet and great set me off, and even absent understanding support on the scene this at least was something.

For recording the triggers I might in time better prepare to arrest a tendency to 'go supernova' when a like circumstance might build, although of course so much cannot be strictly anticipated. Knowing 'what does it' can help to deconstruct what masochistic tendencies exist within and can help raise awareness to the extent of personally recognizing when frustration is invited.

I have an older sister who seemingly stages circumstances where drama will be high. At times it seems as though she were hosting a reality program of her own and striving towards securing the highest ratings. We however needn't give into temptation for we know only too well the cost of being triggered into traumatic recall...

If I had anything like perfect control, I doubt I'd have anything to write about here. New habits consistent with arresting certain personal near-paranoid tendencies have helped me; i.e. the workplace chatter/gossip/bullying suffered had me distrust almost any manifestation of conversation I cannot directly participate in. It took a long time, but now I know I function better with the presence of white noise or overlapping sources of discreet background noise that precludes my imagination running wild. It took a long time to realize just how important such measures were for me to take, but if someone with PTSD needs to work four times as hard to establish protocols that will ensure and cement some conception of inner calm (in most circumstances mind you), then such is the price.

As for 'human triggers' and attitudes purpose-designed to amplify stress? Oh, if only I had advice to share. Materials concerning the need to establish and maintain boundaries aren't so common but are core to the management of PTSD. Poor or utterly tattered personal boundaries are themes that course through many a harrowing tale related on the PTSD Forum. One must start somewhere though, struggling to evolve out and refine their personal 'kit' regarding both the understanding and personal containment (when at all possible) of PTSD. Kind regards...

M.

 

[LhasaLover]

Thank you M for your thoughtful response, I found it interesting and insightful. It is very true that once "in motion" PTSD is a terrifying state. I definitely experienced something but luckily not "supernova" last Wednesday. It was frustrating to get to that point, but I understand what triggered me.

The complexity of our minds is quite awesome but at the same time frightening when you are trying to deconstruct thought patterns and reactions. Perhaps it is the flight/fright reaction taking place.

I've been practising being mindful, it's definitely a lot of work but progress has been made. However, the circumstances are building and situations are escalating and getting more stressful. This I know is going to greaten the chance of panic and anxiety attacks. I too cannot engage in gossip or dysfunctional familly systems. I've become much more of an observer than participant... If there is a spectacle, I simply watch.

The panic that sets in is so real, it's no wonder that they are actually seeing changes in the pre-frontal lobe. Boundaries I agree is a huge issue. Not looking forward to the holiday tomorrow.

Take care and be well,
LL