Do You Hold Back?

[macbeth]

I have to admit that there are things i dont talk to my T about. I was wondering how many of us here hold back information and the reasons behind it.

 

[Weemie]

every minute of every day.

 

[macbeth]

Me too @lightraze. I hold back because i am ashamed of my abuse and what happened to me. I also dont admit to my reactions to stress like i get angry and mean or i have drank or used drugs in the past because i couldnt cope

 

[Meadowsweet]

I hope you won't mind me saying @macbeth but I think it's quite important to your healing, to share those parts that you are ashamed about. Or, to start with, perhaps to share with your therapist that there are things that you don't talk about because you feel ashamed of it.

The reason being, is that by not talking about the experiences that effect you most, you end up reinforcing in your mind that they are shameful.

I tend to minimise the extent of both trauma, and symptoms and I do that as a protective mechanism. But again, it reinforces in my mind the idea that something bad could happen if I'm honest - so not good for me.

 

[jaccat]

Don't we all? Things I'm not ready to face yet, things I'm ashamed about, things that don't seem worth mentioning. Then, when I do get up the nerve to say something it's like it becomes something major, then I have to deal with the consequences of that. So I'm scared of that too.

 

[ihateusernames]

Oh yeah. I kept so much from my last therapist it was almost pointless to be there. I started a journal to write it all out instead. So I'm writing about my whole life and and as soon as I got to the stuff I avoid talking about I couldn't write anymore, hid the whole thing and haven't picked it up since. So I hold back from my own self.

 

[Chava]

Yes. I've probably projected my feelings of shame and disgust onto her. I've gotten better but it took a long time of sharing little bits that felt okay, and finding out that it really was okay and I wasn't judged. So slow is okay. But if you feel yourself deciding there are things you will take to your grave, maybe ask yourself whether or not you trust your therapist, the therapy, or why you are holding on (I have had a hard time with trust, which would be the case for any therapist I'd meet with, no matter how good they are at what they do)...and even consider talking to your therapist about feeling like you can't tell her some things. See how she responds.

I relate to not dealing with the stress well and fearing how I'd cope. I think that's really legitimate and a reason to go slowly and be working on grounding and coping stuff before telling everything. And then even talking around the edges at first, and putting those grounding skills into good practice, so you can feel a sense of being okay with sharing some manageable pieces. Both shame and fear of coping are really normal. Also being able to trust.

 

[Weemie]

i am a control freak. i must control the dissemination of information. the few times i've broke and let someone, anyone, outside my head know what's up, i've regretted it. i keep my cards close, when it comes to my opinions and my experiences. i'm learning to step back in my own head and use my experiences to allow the opportunity for kindness to others, but it's extremely difficult. i'm not into therapy, so it's a human on human thing, too. and that's hard, because humans aren't naturally built to hear this kind of information. the most i admit to is i'm an addict, i'm asd, and i have ptsd. i'm not ashamed of those things, i'm not ashamed of people knowing them, or drawing their own conclusions. you can't kill me 'cause i'm already inside you!

 

[shimmerz]

I spill. I spew. I hold back nuthin. I figured if I was paying the guy hundreds per hour, it was best that we not do the '5 sessions to get to the truth dance.'

Now sometimes what I originally thought was the truth needed to be held up, looked at differently and so on, but I answered and volunteered everything. I think it is actually part of my attachment disorder stuff.

 

[Eagle3]

I actually just sent my T an email about this very issue. I tend to hold back stuff without even realizing I'm doing it! I explained my reasons in detail (life experiences and growing up in a religious cult), as well as the fact that several of my therapists would switch the tables on me and start needing MY advice! I'd become my "therapist's therapist" and I really don't want that to happen again. Holding back is a well-ingrained defense mechanism that needs to change before I can make any progress, so I let him know what was going on. For some odd reason, I can write stuff better than I can explain Face-to-Face......

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

As the song goes, "No I won't back down..." oh yes, I can really rip into people because their ass-holism is too much for me to fathom. I use some logic (dear God!!!) when it comes to what people do and say and there are times when I should just shut up.

But knowing me, I am as subtle as a punch bowl. I despise the treatment of those with any disability being treated like they're nobody or faking it or that they should be "okay". I've seen snobs dressed to the nines lifting their noses and go around with their snide remarks and I told them, "You have pimples on your butt the same as everyone else. And that could be you in that wheelchair....wear their shoes, and I'll wear mine."

My therapist told me last session that higher ups don't like to be corrected on their mistakes because they think they don't make any. I lost a job that way because I said that the training sucked, the instructions were hard to read, the computers weren't working and that this was in no way any kind of learning environment because the teacher talked faster than anyone could understand. I've been in government for 14 years and dealt with bigger diapers I had to change than them....but they didn't like being corrected and they let me go. They said I didn't understand the job: when the phone call came in for me to explain what happened, I ripped the guy on the phone because training was for 5 weeks, not 1 week. I'm still dealing with that now and what's worse, I was treated like shit by one of the corporate assholes by them saying I needed to "own up" to my mistakes.

WRONG! I'm going to the CEO of the company and stating what was said and how abused I was. I don't take that kind of shit lightly. I concluded that, to fix the wrong, they needed to hire me back on in a different department. They were quiet the whole time I spewed my honesty and what was wrong. They stated, "Well, if you did understand what was being said, why did they let you go?" I said in a calm voice, "Politics, don't you know? They were showed up and they didn't like to be corrected. I've been in government for 14 years. Don't tell me you don't know what politics are."

No words were said from the jerk on the other line. I can't hold back. I've seen too many people get ruined by the callous behavior of others because they are different or not the way "normal society" is. I guess after holding back for so long, my leash was let go...

 

[oasis2003]

Yes I hold back because afraid how they will react. What will they think of me ? I also avoid telling them but not on purpose. I use avoidance to protect myself all the time. I definitely keep things from myself too overwhelming otherwise. It is hard to trust any one and hard to put things into words .