Do You Look At Your Therapist When You Talk?

[Elphaba]

I just realised that I don't. I just stare straight ahead.
I am not sure why. I am not sure what signals this sends either, but I was a bit surprised to realise that I really don't make eye contact.

I have been seeing this T ... maybe six sessions so far?

Those with more experience, do you find that these things change after a while?

 

[NIKI]

I don't look anyone in the eyes for very long it makes me very uncomfortable. When I am talking to someone all I can think of is how uncomfortable I am looking at them it the eyes. I have to look away, pretend I am fixing something on my coat or shoe anything like that. I don't know why I do it. I am sorry I don't have an answer for you. Just wanted to say that I have that problem too. NIKI

 

[NIKI]

Thanks for reminding me of that. I'm going to ask my new T next time I see her.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi, I have been seeing my T. for 11 months now. I noticed some time back that if I was having a good day I would make eye contact. If it is a bad day my eyes are firmly fixed on the wall! I had been seeing him for some time before I actually looked at him, and was shocked to notice that he has hair. I had it in my mind that he is bald.

He has noted that when I have EMDR ( using headphones), my eyes start fixed to the carpet, and they climb up the wall and I finish looking at the ceiling. Now that he has remarked on it I am uncomfortable and trying hard to concentrate on the EMDR itself rather than worrying about the cues my eyes are giving him.

 

[just me here]

My therapist is always ready to meet my eyes, but I too have a habit of staring at an object or my hands or something else while deep in thought or talking about something that requires total concentration and accuracy. It's not an aversion to eye contact, it's just a habit, and I think it is pretty common.

Just an aside- I work with alot of Engineers. They are, as a group in general, socially inept and aware of their limitations. Just the other day, we were talking about communication and communication styles at lunch and an engineer actually told a joke (no, this is a true story). Do you know how to tell an introverted engineer from an extrovert engineer? The extrovert will stare at YOUR shoes while he talks to you. That one really cracks them up at MIT.

I wouldn't worry about eye contact, unless you have a lack of trust in your T and if so, thats a problem.

 

[Iam]

I do the same thing Lucy. On a good day I can look at them in the eye, unless I am thinking hard. On a bad day it seems impossible to look either of my T's in the eye, at least for very long. I either stare at some fixed point on the floor or I can feel my eyes darting back and forth, but I am not really looking at something I also sit in a different chair. When I am feeling ok I sit in the chair further in, slip my shoes off and curl my legs under me. When I'm really off I sit in one closer to the door. I just can't move further into his "sanctuary". Somehow that feels safer being closer to the door, like I can bolt if it gets too bad. I guess it's a pretty good indicator of where I am at. Heck on a bad day, I sit in the waiting room with my body and face turned away from the door. It isn't conscious...it's like I HAVE to.

 

[Sethe]

I have known that I spend a lot of time NOT looking into my T's eyes. I'm aware of it. I do it intentionally- maybe because I'm scared of being judged. Not sure. I think it also has a lot to do with trust. I trust her a little more and so I look into her eyes more than I did.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

When I first started seeing my T, I noticed I would not met his eyes. I know he noticed it, but he never said anything. He was aware that I had trust problems, and wouldn't push me. It's gotta a lot better over the last 6 months I've seen him. I meet his eyes a lot more. If I am uncomfortable I will look away, or not met his eyes at all. I told him why, and now If he has something important to say, he will ask me to look at him, in his eyes. It's usually something positive, and he is trying to make sure I get it. I know I'm doing really bad when I start pacing the room before he starts the session. He comes in and is like "pacing already?" lol. Knows me to well.

Eyes are a crazy territory with me. They see to much, and I hate people looking at my eyes. I'm afraid they will see how uncomfortable I am, I start to dissociate ( i see as a third person would see us). Feels like I am flinching, but not on the outside. It's to much. I can't even talk to people, how can I met there eyes? Or maybe they will see how crazy I am, or they will think I'm crazy...( I feel crazy now!)

Sometimes I think I am just afraid they will see my lifeless eyes, and I will somehow pass the despair I feel all the time to them. Eyes are the window to the soul. For most of us, who have seen hell and back souls are dangerous, delicate things!

 

[Nora]

Elphaba, I never used to really make eye contact with my therapist. Part of it is for a rather silly reason that I often forget about... she has some very minor strabismus and I wasn't sure which eye to look into. I also wasn't ready to have a back-and-forth conversation yet. Now I find I sit with totally different posture (more alert, leaning forward a little to engage) and look at her much more often and we're really having a conversation. But even with this improved eye contact, I still find that when I'm talking about something really difficult, I tend to fixate on the same few objects in her office.

While sometimes I find it unnerving to talk about therapy on any kind of meta-level while in session, overall I feel like it adds an extra and important layer of intimacy. When I told my therapist that she had angered me, it ended up being profound since I often don't recognize or honor my feelings. (Never mind that we worked out the issues in question.) It was weirdly hilarious that the session began with me saying proudly "I got angry at you the last session" and she looked so touched (lol!!!) and said "Wow. That's so amazing." And we both got misty-eyed!! I'm telling you, only in therapy.

I'd encourage anyone to talk about meta-concerns with your therapist, if only to build a stronger connection and to really feel heard and understood. Even my doctors where I had to terminate the relationship, I was amazed at how receptive they were to my straightforward negative feedback. It helps them do their job better too.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't look either partially because of a lazy muscle (mine, don't want to make them uncomfortable, plus it's ugly), because I can't fix it again (too many surgeries, only lasts about 6 years).

But, though shy, I usually make eye-contact elsewhere (have to, for work etc, plus just do it anyway). But not if I've 'said' anything personal about myself to someone, even previously. So I think it's fear, sometimes sort-of shame, likely self-doubt/ feel sort of I don't know, maybe I'm afraid to look and find "negatives" (?)

Ya, come to think of it that must be it because I am always surprised when I see not a negative (response) but a positive one. Also, have heard a million times that I have beautiful eyes which under the obvious circumstances I don't understand at all.
And yes, must definitely be so because am (also) similarly 'shocked' by smiles/ kindness.

 

[kers]

I have had a hard time looking at my therapist from the beginning. It's fear and shame. I can look now, I look and look away and look back and look away. But it's so much easier to feel cared about and connected when I look. It's taken years and I'm beginning to understand that he's not judging me, that he is only looking at me with compassion.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi Elphaba,
Neat question...

Like Kers, my therapist is so compassionate, that when I'm struggling, the compassion, encouragement and support beaming from his eyes gives me strength to continue.
Looking into his eyes also helps me speak when I've gone into territory beyond words.
The times I look away now includes when I'm in a flashback, feeling (victim) shame/embarrassment, or trying to process something.

Great joke, Just me here, about the introverted/extroverted engineers! Thanks for the laughter, I really needed that!
deer