Do You Perhaps Punish Yourself By Resisting Self-care? Why?

[goingonhope]

I am just wondering if this rings true for anybody here. Present ? ...Or, Past?

 

[Red Feather]

I would say definetly in the past. And I still do it. I feel pretty guilty about a lot of aspects of my life and do not feel I deserve to be happy.

But I think I am getting better slowly. I have a hard time cooking a warm meal for myself. But I still keep my home clean. I like taking care of home and cleaning up. I love my home so much and it is the best thing that happened this whole past year. So I am really grateful

 

[Sammy]

I definitely resist taking care of myself. Growing up it was so important to make sure everyone else was OK - it is an outdated survival tactic I am trying to unlearn.Working on this with my T. It is hard for me to not feel guilty every time I go see a doctor or do anything for me. Getting better about it. Slowly. Sometimes it is a matter of forcing myself to go through the motions and hoping I eventually am OK with it.

 

[Anna]

Yes, in the past. In fact I abused myself to a stupid level. I have permanent scars from burning myself on my arm. I also neglegted self hygiene and myself very badly.

Now I have a routine and I do make more of an effort to look after myself. Someone once said to me noone else will so it is up to you to look after yourself. This turned out to be so true in many ways. It was either change or die.

 

[Loner]

Yea, when you're depressed you don't take care of yourself. I saw the dentist for the first time in years recently and he told me I have the teeth of a 70 year old, times when I was really depressed I just didn't brush them, also because no one really taught me to take brushing them seriously when I was a kid.

I also have not cut myself, but I have a problem with picking at any pimples or imperfections till they turn into open wounds. I have carpal tunnel from desperately typing my life story and complains doubts and fears to strangers met online, not on this forum but over the last decade, looking for love and approval.

I am pretty much a master at emotional and psychological abuse of myself.

When you have so much pain that its all you can do to just hold on and make it through the day, things like brushing your teeth seem like an incredible burden.

 

[kers]

I resist it without even realizing I'm doing it. For example, I'll stay up late even when I'm tired because I feel safer when I'm awake, even though I know that in the days that follow I will be more hypervigilant and prone to triggering.

It's frustrating because while I know that I need to take care of myself, in the moment when I am making choices, it seems unreasonable to put my well-being first.

 

[Charmedone]

I rarely eat because I feel like I don't deserve good food and it triggers remembering, I dont sleep unless I get to sleep from passing out because everytime I close my eyes I see HIM so I try to keep my eyes open, plus not sleeping was one of the punnishments, sleep is for good people and I feel guilty everytime I'm happy so I don't do anything to make myself happy, I try to avoid making appointments or talking or meeting friends, I don't feel like I deserve anybody's time....

 

[intothelight]

I don't know if it is punishment as I have self-harmed in the past, but there are many times it is hard; because I don't feel that I am worth it.

Learning to do it, even when I don't feel that I am worth it, I can do it for my family.

 

[KP the nut]

I go through stages of self neglect but in ways only I can see. I know for example that caring for my skin helps my psoriasis and most of the time I do. Then occasionally I'll think I don't deserve to get better and ignore it, then it becomes dry, sore and itchy to the stage where I scratch it raw.

I mean what sort of warped excuse for a human being does that?

 

[Charmedone]

*hugs KP* your not a warped human your a very special and unique one that's all.
(\__/)
(>’.’<)
(")_(")

 

[Philippa]

I'm not sure if I'm doing this now by letting my kitten shred my hands? Her nails are so sharp, and I need to cut them, but don't, and I let her scratch the crap out of me...and I like it when she does. Does this make me a masochist or just someone who knows she is just being playful and gets caught up in the cuteness of her that I don't think about my hand until I've looked at it and it's all shredded and bleeding?

I do everything else right, but this makes me wonder if I am letting my destructive side have an outlet this way whilst thinking that I am being self-caring?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I relate. It used to be alot harder. I have stuffed animals and I have to have an arguement with myself to get up and go and get one to cuddle. I do not have a problem getting my blanket. Here it is the end of summer and I am covered by a blanket. It is soft and blue.

On my down days, I do not wash my face, I do not brush my hair and I do not brush my teeth, or take a shower. It is a day of mourning. And all of my energies go into this. On these days I will get into the car and go through the drivethrough, and make my order. I do not have any other place to go.

I have down days. I am hoping with the new meds that I will perk up and do self care on a regular basis.

I used to be alot better about self care. It was when we moved here and our lives changed that I changed.

I feel bad about this. Today I have to go food shopping so I will clean myself up. But when I am under the waves I hide under my blanket and try to be still and calm. I do the bare essentials for things around here. I manage to keep up with the essentials. I do those every day. I feel relief at the end of the day when it is all done. Nothing more to do.

I have to go out tommorow with my daughter tommorow so I will fix myself up alittle bit. I am looking forward to that. It wil be refreshing. This has been a very hard week. But it is getting better. Good thread.