Do You Question Everything?

[Egypt]

Do you find yourself questioning everything?

I'm specifically talking about relationships, I question all the ones in my life. The one that gets me is that I question my closest friends. Like are they really there for me, or is this just one elaborate ruse?

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Yes I do. In fact the closer I get to a person the more vulnerable I feel. And the more vulnerable I feel the more I start to think they're up to something. I get very hypervigilant and I constantly scan things they say or do or how they say and do them. It drives me crazy because my thinking gets so distorted I get very anxious. It's very hard for me to calm down and get my thoughts back on track.

 

[Abstract]

Yes I do...

 

[Tanishq]

Yes I do,too. I think it happens naturally because we don't want to be taken advantage or abused again. Sort of self protection.

 

[maddog]

Absolutely. When your brain is wired to associate close relationships with dangerous or untrustworthy behaviour, it's inevitable that these innate feelings and protective behaviours will activate when someone gets close to you. Recognizing that there are valid reasons why this happens is a key first step in being able to address it without blaming or shaming yourself. Ensuring that, wherever possible, the people you keep close to you are safe and healthy, is a critical part of learning to feel more secure and less wary of relationships. Relational challenges take a lot of work and tolerance of interpersonal discomfort.

Maddog

 

[Misul]

Yes, me too. It makes me sad.

 

[Samantha S]

Me, too. And then I'm terrified that people will get tired of me asking for reassurance--in fact, I'm pretty certain that they do. I think I'm a pretty great person. I love deeply and I'm loyal and funny, but I don't think I can have lasting relationships because they never feel safe, or because people don't want someone who always feels afraid.

 

[Misul]

Me, too. And then I'm terrified that people will get tired of me asking for reassurance--in fact, I'm pretty certain that they do.

I feel like this. And a relationship is what I want most.

 

[Philippa]

I think I experienced it from the other side of the fence about 2 months ago, when I started seeing this guy who admitted that he thought he might have ptsd after his 'friends' beat the crap out of him one time when he was tripping on acid. That's gotta be pretty traumatic I'd guess.

He hasn't had a diagnosis, but all the symptoms are there, and he is extremely touchy and takes things I say the wrong way. It's like walking on eggshells, and one time I brought him a cup of tea and responded to something he said, which sounded like he was about to bite my head off...and I backed away, only to have him tell me to get out of his room??

He took something I said the wrong way and thought I was accusing him of something. I was so confused, and I think it was him feeling insecure because he liked me a lot, and we were getting quite close, quite quickly. I backed off and stopped going around there regularly. I see him now once in a while, as a friend only.

It feels terrible to be the one on the receiving end of someone who is suspicious of my motives, purely based on things I say that are taken the wrong way.

 

[Expat in Australia]

I have to admit I'm pretty suss on people at times, questioning their motives. I use my wife as a soundboard, "Is this normal or am I.." kinda thing.

We regularly do that so we can keep each other in check.

 

[Abstract]

Oh I never ask for reassurance and I don't take it out on the other person. Or almost never anyway. Jolly hard work managing all my paranoid thoughts and distrust internally. Sometimes that alone feels intolerable. I have masses of both. I am always looking for an agenda or for the catch. I often feel really guilty for putting such awful thoughts on probably well meaning and kind people. It is terribly unfair.

 

[Philippa]

Oh I never ask for reassurance and I don't take it out on the other person. Or almost never anyway.

This.

This is the best way to deal with it I think...by recognizing that all the distrust comes from within the person, and holding it with the reality that it may not be what you think is going on. That the possibility of the person not coming from any of those motives is actually there...which I can vouch for it, having been someone accused of all sorts of things I didn't do, everything from stealing to using a friend to climb the social ladder, to having sex on the job. There is nothing one can say once they've been accused of something they didn't do, except swallow it and hope that their lack of trying to convince the person of their innocence will cause them to think twice.

I hate being suspected of things I didn't do. I hate living in a world where there is so much distrust and no one is willing to give the benefit of the doubt. Yes, people do things that really hurt us, and that is a part of life. We also do things that hurt others. There will always be the risk of this happening, and I know it is not easy for people who have been badly hurt to remember this, but closing off from others because they might do something that hurts might actually CAUSE them to do something hurtful because they can feel they are not trusted.

Trust is so integral to human relationships. It's such a shame that there is so little of it, and that people are so unworthy of it because of the way they do act at times. Relationships cannot thrive without basic trust. It's so sad.