Hmm... Interesting post. I used to have a baseball bat tucked away in the bushes near the front porch, an axe hiding next to the back door, a rifle next to my bedroom door, and multiple escape plans and attack plans around the house. I could never stop thinking about hypotheticals such as killing an intruder, especially "the" intruder. I wondered if I would go to jail, if I could get charged with premeditated murder, if I would get temporary insanity, and then I was constantly wondering if I was even capable of doing anything. Is it in my character to fight?
My worst recurring nightmare has been where I'm in my home, and my exploiter/abuser walks up to the front door, invites himself in, says hello in a friendly manner, sits on the couch, starts eating potato chips, and looks at me with a smile and waits for me to respond.
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
That dream has tormented me so much, and kept me up night after night, because I really feel like I want to not only kill this person, but make them suffer for a long period of time, and yet, violence goes against everything I have ever believed or known. I'm basically a pacifist and an idealist, so coming to terms with this specific reality and question has haunted me. Especially since this person knew me so well and knew exactly how to manipulate me while maintaining trust. He really played me.
To put this all in context, my abuser/exploiter was one of my best friends for 6 years, and we used to hang out all the time. After he fled, I discovered that the name I knew him by was actually an alias, and that he was actually a professional con artist and a fugitive.
I've learned that one of my triggers is when I'm aware that other people are aware of my presence, but I can't see them. For example, last year a car pulled in to my driveway, and I couldn't tell who it was. It's a long driveway, and they pulled in all the way up to the house. By the time I got to the kitchen to look out the window and see who it was, they peeled out and took off down the highway. I felt like I was going crazy. Who was this?!! I mean, it was just a car pulling into a driveway. It could have been anything. But this trigger led to my first five and only five counseling sessions so far. The counselor was truly incompetent, but I think it was still good because it helped me acknowledge that I have a problem.
Anyway, a few months ago, I moved out of the house and now live in a van. I don't have the nightmares anymore. I have a knife, airhorn, and mace within arms reach. When I hear people walking by at night, I pretty much always reach for the knife. I don't really know why, since I always park in a new place and I'm positive it couldn't possibly be "the" person since he fled the country and because everything is different about me since the last time he saw me.
Whew, sorry for getting side tracked. I could go on forever. Peace everybody.
Aaron