Relationship Do You Sometimes Feel Like Your Vet Likes Another Vet Better?

[I'll make tea]

My hubbies best friend is another Vet.

When he is with him he is different, like more careless, talkative.

Hubby does not like going crowded and noisy places and that is okay. I accept it. What is hard for me to accept however is that he can go that places when with his best friend.

I really hope that this is Vet stuff and not lack of emotion for me.

 

[RussH]

I don't think it is a lack of emotion for you. Some people with PTSD generally don't like crowded, noisy places and avoid them. However combat vets share a bond with one another that most people don't understand. There is something about facing mortal danger that bonds them together. These people go into combat knowing that their buddy has their back, and they trust one another completely with their lives.

It is this kind of a bond, a trust, forged in intense circumstances, that may allow your husband to go crowded, noisy, places with his buddy when his is not comfortable going there with you. It does not mean he does not love you, or trust you, it just means he has a bond with his friend that allows him to trust him in a "threat" situation.

 

[I'll make tea]

Thank you, RussH.

Well... it would really mean lots to me if one of the Vets frequenting this page would tell me that he always goes places with his best friend but never goes places with his wife.

Going places together means so much too me. It is part of my love laguage :(

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Is it really always/never? I think that even if it is related to PTSD it should be something you two work on as a couple, especially since that's part of your love language. Spending time is my main love language and if my partner never went anywhere with me, I don't think I could handle it.

 

[I'll make tea]

Actually I have told him countless times. We have a toddler and I think that is also important for the boy that we go places together as a family... but we rarely do, nearly never.

My hubby will often promise we do but then he has an excuse why he can't go. That is very, very frustrating and hard to cope with.

On the other hand he often goes to the bar with his best friends and sometimes with other friends who also happen to be Vets if they are in town... but they do not take me with them.

I just wonder if there is a Vet on this boards who does the same.

Another problem is: he is so tight-lipped around me and does not tell me he loves me / I look beautiful enough.

 

[Nebulustrix]

Like Russ said, facing combative situations together creates a bond that can be rather difficult to understand from the outside. Every team sent out to face combat is rigorously trained so that they can work well together and understand to slightest cues for directions, movement, etc.

My father explained to me some of the training he was put through with a group he was given the chance to lead. You have to be able to pick up on subtle body language, as there is little to no talking when moving through a combat zone. You have to be able to trust that the people in your group will recognize and pick up on your cues and respond appropriately, and they have to trust that you will do the same.

An example my father shared of the extreme trust required was a situation where he moved directly into the line of fire of one of his men, took a shot, and then ducked down in time for his friend's shot. He knew he could trust this other soldier not to shoot him. Just imagine that! The absolute faith and understanding required to trust that someone is not going to shoot you when you move directly in front of them with no more warning than some sublte body language, if even that.

Now take a bond like this and a sufferer from PTSD - that sufferer will likely do anything and go anywhere for their combat buddy, and while the PTSD won't be gone, the sufferer will at least feel safe knowing that this person will pick up on his cues and protect him from any and all dangers, real or imagined, that they might encounter.

This is not a sign of lack of love for you. If anything, you can rest assured that this fellow Vet knows very well the love your husband has for you, and as a good friend will strive to do everything in his power to bring your husband home to you safe and sound after their outings.

 

[I'll make tea]

Means a lot to me, you explain it like this.

Your daddy is a Vet? Did he go places with his friends but not with you / your mother?

 

[Nebulustrix]

Yes, my father served in the army for 24 years. However, he did not see a lot of combat or suffer any PTSD, and he's a bit of an "odd-ball" socially. He doesn't go out much at all with anybody. My mother is similar - they're both big "homebodies" :) . My parents do struggle sometimes with communicating and understanding each other, and my mother often struggles with feeling she is unloved. I think your issue is similar to theirs - a disconnect in love-languages and male/female communication.

My parents went to couples therapy for awhile earlier in their marriage and it helped. They still have issues now and then, but overall they do wonderfully together, and when either one of them starts feeling overly stressed and/or unloved, they argue a bit but then take some time to revisit their communication and spend quality time together.

 

[Sandi79]

The relationship between veterans is one that cannot be duplicated in civilian relationships. His friendships with them are different than any other ones he may have, including his relationship with you.

 

[The Albatross]

That is true, though it is also true that a developing child should have family time. I think that empty promises for family activity are something that needs to be discussed or mediated in therapy or with a counselor. He is after all, a parent. Perhaps a way can be found for him to do more in the way of a family activity.

 

[Sandi79]

I have a friend who is a veteran with two children. He does not like going anywhere in public except the VFW.

Think of some fun activities that he can do with you as a family that doesn't require going anywhere. Or that involves somewhere quiet and "safe". Camping, nature walks, things of that nature

 

[RussH]

The relationship between veterans is one that cannot be duplicated in civilian relationships. His friendships with them are different than any other ones he may have, including his relationship with you.

I would say the exception to this statement would be firefighters, police and EMS. They are all involved in intense, sometimes life threatening, and it creates the same kind of bond that combat soldiers develop.