Do You Think It is Possible To Heal Without Support From Significant Other?

[UmightKnowMe]

I have told my DH a little bit about stuff that happened to me, and have also had counselors talk to him about my difficulties coming from my past. Unfortunately my DH is of the mind that this is just an excuse I am using to stay out of the bedroom. He also thinks that the years of therapy I have been in are not helpful and that I don't need it. I have worked very hard and put on a pretty good act most of the time but am like that duck unruffled on the surface but paddling like hell under that water. I don't let him see when I am having trouble, I hide my feelings from him, I don't ask him for help. He gets upset with me when I am not coping well, he thinks I 'enjoy looking for sympathy' and 'all that happened a long time ago so whats the big deal'? I am getting ready to do some tough work on my past stuff and understand that things probably will get worse before they get better. I don't think I will have it in me to deal with his reactions to this AND my reactions to my therapy. I feel like I need a retreat from everyone and everything so I can do what I need to do without responsibilities for a time. But this is reality and I can't do that.

Has anyone else gotten better and made progress even without support and understanding at home? Any tips and tricks or words to the wanna be wise?

 

[Dylan]

Hi UMKM,

I can sure relate to this! My spouse has similar issues with my PTSD. I believe that the impatience and reticence to 'go there' with me is more about her issues than mine. It's not personal. She is afraid, for whatever reason. Perhaps the fear is about getting overwhelmed by my emotions/problems, perhaps she's avoiding her own issues. I kind of have the impression that she wishes I could just.....get over it and act right - be less complex, less complicated. Whatever the reason, she's on her own path and, much as she loves me, is afraid to go there with me most of the time.

Meanwhile, I do need support. I go to therapy, I come to these boards - a lot. I have a friend I can talk to. I wish we had a group in this town...I really think group support is very, very helpful. I don't know if you have children, but if so, family/friend support for extra help there might be a good thing right now. I also do a lot of house sitting for friends, so I can get time alone, on my own, to process and do my thing.

HTH...it is tougher without spousal support.

Welcome to the forum-
-Dylan

 

[lrs]

It might be fair to say, many with PTSD do not get adequate, if any, support from family and friends. It's not that they are bad, or don't care, they just do not understand the severity, and the accompanying powerlessness.

 

[Moonshadow]

Welcome to the forum, UmightKnowme. Here is a place where you can feel some "virtual support", to supplement the lack of support you might get elsewhere. It's not quite the same as having loved ones around you, who can look you in the eye, and tell you that it's okay to feel the way you do, but it's a start.

When I read your post, I felt like I could have written it, myself. I have the exact same problem that you do. My DH is not supportive of my therapy. He tells me that it's all a bunch of shit, and I'm wasting my time. He hasn't done any research on PTSD, to try to understand what I'm going through. He can't understand why I can't put my past behind me, and focus on raising our family. He realizes that I have issues, but doesn't understand why I can't get passed them.

You mentioned that your counselors have spoken to him, my guy won't even consider speaking to a counselor. This, from a man who knows first-hand, the kind of family I came from, including a raving lunatic of a mother, and an alcoholic bastard of a stepfather, plus sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect.

After 20 years together, he still gets upset with me, when I can't cope. There are constant issues about my inability to keep up with housework, laundry, etc. When I have "up" days, and am able to make progress, that progress is ignored. When I have "down" days, it never goes unnoticed.

I also feel like I have to hide my feelings. I cry silently, because he gets upset with me when I can't stop crying. When I really feel the need to yell and scream, I wait until everyone is sleeping, then I go out to the garage, sit in the car with the windows up, and cry, yell and scream until I get it all out. It leaves me exhausted, but vented.

Some have suggested that I leave my husband, but I do not feel that is an option. I love my husband, and though he does not understand what I'm going through, I know he loves me, too. It hurts him, to see me hurting, and I know he has difficulty dealing with that. When I try to talk about things that happened to me, he gets angry at those who hurt me. His anger does not comfort me. He comes from a family who does not share their feelings, so trying to change that is difficult for him. So, I keep it to myself. I try to make my therapy and healing as "low-key" as possible. He wants me to get better, but he has no faith in the medical industry.

I get no time to myself, to sort things out, that's why I've insisted on going to therapy. It gives me a little bit of time to think. Mind you, I am not at all happy with my therapist, right now, but that's a whole different issue. Though, DH would love it, if I never went back to her.

He doesn't want me to be depressed, but also doesn't want me to take antidepressants. He wants me to get over my traumas, but doesn't want me to discuss them. He wants me to be a loving, nurturing, supportive mother and wife, but does not realize that I'm numb and lost and I need support, too. It's a tangle of emotions and restraints and frustrations.

As for advice, I wish I had some, because I might try following it myself. I can tell you, for what it's worth, that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

 

[ga yankee]

I'm in the same boat but I guess my concern is what happens when we DO get better? In my case, my hubby fell in love with the person with PTSD. We just didn't know it had a name. He was drawn to many of the traits I have/had such as taking control, workaholic, strong, sarcastic and funny. Many of those things were just my way of coping and covering things up. So now as I work to get better and learn there's a line to what's healthy and isn't, I wonder if my change will be too much. Like a crack addict becoming straight and radical religious while the significant other stays a crack addict. Yes, an extreme example but you get the idea. Yes, if you're devoted to recovery you can get better. But like I told my hubby...if he can't accept me now, who I am in recovery...what happens when I'm better?

 

[2quilt]

It must be breaking your heart that the one you love discounts your pain. If I were you I would sit your love down at a time when he is willing to listen, and tell him what happened to you. Ask him to imagine what this was like for you at that age and in those circumstances. Get him to read about PTSD or come read this forum. Impress upon him how important this is to you that he take your illness seriously, that you are not trying to get attention, (quite the opposite) and that certainly something in his life has made him feel helpless, extreme fear or a traumatic reaction. If not him, does he know anyone other than you that has been through something traumatic? Get him to empathize.

PTSD is not something you get over after time. That traumatic experience changed you forever. You are now a different person, and he should want to love you as you are now, this changed person.

If you developed diabetes, would he get mad at you, tell you to just stop having diabetes just to get special treatment? You both have to adjust to this new illness, no matter if you like it or not. Would he stop loving you if you got diabetes? Is this illness too difficult for him to live with in a partner? One does not have diabetes alone; everyone living in that house has to adjust to each other's needs. Give and take.

PTSD may not be as clearly seen as diabetes or any other of a number of debilitating illnesses, but it is just as real. And it's almost impossible for you to try to care for yourself alone, without your partner's love and understanding. A marriage should have a lot of compassion. If your spouse developed diabetes or even a mental illness, would you stay together? How would he expect you to react and live with him? One can't say that he will never develop schizophrenia or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, for example. We can't tell the future.

How can you teach him compassion? Show compassion yourself.
Keep us posted.

 

[Annie]

Wow- This Thread Saddens Me.

I read this thread simply to see what advice people would offer. I was shocked to see that this is a regular thing for PTSD sufferers.
I am not in a relationship at this moment in time. However, I did leave a prior relationship for this very reason.
At the time I was not diagnosed with PTSD, I was simply broken, as I like to call it.
I realize and understand that we can't expect our spouses to be there for us like a therapist or a support group can, however I would expect at the very least they read up on my diagnosis and actually put an effort into being there for me emotionally.
That for me, is a must, I would hope that the person I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with, cared enough that if it's important to me it's important to them.

I am shocked and saddened by your spouses behaviour. That being said, I am not walking down the same path any of you are, so I can't judge. What works for one, may not work for another.

I guess as long as your spouses don't impede on your recovery, who am I to judge...

Best of luck to all of you with this. An thank goodness there is a virtual support site for you to come to when in need.

Annie
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Annie]

You know...I can't stop thinking about this....

I just want to throw this out there....but perhaps you stay with your spouses even though they show no compassion because you think you don't deserve better??

Well I am here to tell you all you truly do...be assertive, asked for the support, if they aren't willing to give it, then decide if it's worth it...

And I like what ga yankee said about the loving you as a PTSD person...I get the junkie metaphor and totally agree with it...it will take a seriously mature person to get past that.

Annie

 

[Robbed]

I was seeing my therapist for 3 months before my T convinced me that her would understand my past.
Unfortunately he didn't and left me. I had two boys 14 and 15. Things were hard for my boys as well as me.
Once I had sat down with my boys and explained that I was the parent and they did not have to look after me, my house was soon filled with their Friends.

I seemed to gain more confidence in myself and made a positive affirmation book. Each night I wrote something in it. it didn't matter if it wasn't a big thing, some days it was just that I manages another day, some days it was that I laughed with my children. At the end of the week or when I was feeling down I read my book and found something positive about my life.
It has been 8 years now and both my children have left home and live independent lives. I feel like I have done my job as a mother as best as I can.
They visit me in hospital when I need to be admitted, they don't seem ashamed of me as they bring their girlfriends around.
Yes I still struggle greatly with flashbacks and dissociation but I am a surviver and I will make the best of my situation.

Good luck with your therapy. Remember to take baby steps, Appreciate any positive comments from your partner and accept that he cannot understand how you feel because he has not lived in your shoes. That does not make him a bad person just someone who is struggling with your situation.
My thoughts will be with you, keep in contact. everyone here does not judge and we will all support you.
Robbed :hello:

 

[Seychelle]

Despite my OH having similar issues to me (flashbacks, abusive childhood, dissociation etc) it's only been very recently he's been truly supportive. And boy, what a difference that support and help makes. It's so much easier to desensitise and manage my symptoms if he's being caring and helping me work through things, rather than blaming me for not working harder on recovery.

Not sure if this is relevant to anyone else or not, but we've both come to realise that his lack of support in the past was because he was in denial about his own problems. If he blamed all our problems on me, then he could pretend to himself that everything was fine and stay in denial about how his childhood had affected him.

 

[UmightKnowMe]

Thanks everyone for responding so supportively to this...what a great group of people you are.

Yes my husband and I do have children, we have two teens, one who has some issues of his own but is coping VERY well. My kids don't know about my PTSD. They know I am in therapy and am on meds, that it is for depression. They are both in therapy for their own issues so it isn't abnormal to them that I see a therapist. My husband doesnt come to see my therapist..he just did once a number of years ago and he was MOST unwilling...he always feels like if he is called in it is because I have told them horrible things about him and he is very defensive. I have no doubt that lots of my husband's attitude stems from his own issues from his past, but he is unwilling to get help. He is definately depressed and might have some kind of anxiety disorder and could REALLY use some anger management help...but he says he is too old to change blah blah blah. I have had to accept that I can't change him. I am going to get better and hopefully if I change and also change my reactions to things he will change too. But thats not why I am wanting to get better. I am VERY committed to our marraige...in fact today is 20 years for us. I refuse to entertain thoughts of leaving him. I have to put those worries aside for now. I worry that if I get better maybe I will not want to deal with some of his BS and may want to leave....but maybe when I am better I won't be so anxious at the thought of leaving. I don't know. I can't think about that. I have to think about me.

Right now he is on an extended trip due to his work (months) so I am going to use this time to really get into some serious work. I hope the worst of it is over by the time he gets back. My son will be at school all day, I can focus on getting better. I don't want to burden him with any of my 'stuff'...that isnt his place, he is a kid.

 

[rt1967]

yes i think feedback and new experiences really help to make changes sometimes