Do You Think We Feel Alone Because...

[Gaining-clarity]

I'm wondering... Do you think we feel alone because we don't have anyone close to relate with us, or do you think we feel alone because we're ashamed, and keep so much to ourselves?

 

[Friday]

Some from column A, some from column B?

...and a few nods and winks from C,D,E,F,&G?

 

[Lee2001]

For me I think the shame etc. It's hard to understand how anyone wants to be close when you feel so broken yourself. I have some people I am close to and truly don't understand why they are... like surely they can see me how I see me. Good post. Interested to see others thoughts.

 

[Deleted member 36516]

Because really I am alone!

 

[aut555]

Some people are true loners, it has nothing to do with shame. I have been able to help myself a lot by being by myself and dealing with my emotions without another person around me mucking it up. I don't need someone's constant "busyness" around me. I need 24/7 to me when l desire it without answering to someone else.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Very good question. For me, at this point in the process, I feel apart from others with regard to my experiences in real-time as I don't know any other survivors and I can't imagine anyone who hasn't been through the layers of trauma that I have could possibly understand what it means; that includes therapists. I've tried to share before and have met with some very unhelpful if not damaging responses/experiences.

I find that I can only interact out here on the Forum for the time being. Even out here I hold back a lot because a lot of it is just too much for me to handle - too much vulnerability at stake for me right now.

I am encouraged, though, by others who share so honestly. I have found that this is a healthy place to steady oneself, find support and information, to offer support, and perhaps to share at your comfort level while working on healing. Take care. VB

 

[Rani G2]

@Gaining Clarity

never been in search of otherness, I relate to two people. What about you Gaining-Clarity? Anything ?
I feel physically drawn among people, i dont connect easily. Not that I havent been starving for connection. Its a self chosen isolation. I must sorround myself with books, information to somehow calm my mind. Other humans tend to mirror that false sense of security, and I dislike seeing that.

 

[Gaining-clarity]

too much vulnerability at stake
VB

I think this is what it is for me... vulnerability. I'm terrified of exposing my feelings and being so vulnerable. If I shared, I'd be in need of such reassurance it might frighten someone.

I think I also feel ashamed of "how" am, meaning I think I'm very immature in many ways and I don't want people to know this. I also don't want people to know how much of my life is affected by trauma. How it is so real on a daily down to every detail of the day basis. There's so much I don't want people to know. When I say people, I mean my friends. When I say friends I mean two people, other than my family. There really are only two people that I'm tempted to share with, that I would like a more honest friendship with.

I asked this question because I'm at a place where I'm comfortable sharing with my husband. I trust him. I've tested him, and he's proven true. Yet I still feel alone.

Should I take the risk and be more open with my other two friends? Or is this about something else? Maybe I would still feel alone, anyway, like I do now even though I'm open with my husband and know I'm not alone.

I hide so much of my struggles. I have a lot invested in seeming as though I have it all together. The ONLY reason I can seem this way, is because I stay pretty far away from people. But I don't like feeling alone anymore.

I used to find solace in being alone. It was the only rest and comfort I could find. But that doesn't work for me anymore.

 

[Friday]

.

Should I take the risk and be more open with my other two friends? Or is this about something else? Maybe I would still feel alone, anyway, like I do now even though I'm open with my husband and know I'm not alone.

Feels like you're onto something, there!

At the very least it would really be a good thing to thrash out before bringing people in closer (and associated risk) faster than you're want to do.

Off the top of my head I would look at

- Scheduling (doesn't matter if you have 1,000 completely badass true blue friends, if you only see them half as often as you'd like to)? Of if you're feeling really social in the mornings, but those hours are always empty).

- A wider variety (not all of my friends need to be best friends). It's enriching to have people I enjoy spending time with in casual ways or in specific venues. The not everyone can be all things to all people kind of thing. Not meaning quantity over quality, nor acquaintances over friends. One can still use a helluva lot of discretion, but when we lower our standards from "best friends or marriage material only" to include amazing people who are "music friends" or "rock climbing friends" or what have you.

- Less looking for friends, more looking for a sense of community? Whether Micro (belonging to a group) or Macro (a neighborhood / town) the feeling of belonging that comes from being an active part of something?

- Cognitive Distortions not letting you see/feel what you actually have but creating a safe space of distance that no longer feels safe, but now feels isolating? Cognitive Distortions - Identify & Change Negative Thinking

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Gaining-clarity - I'm going to go at this a different way from @Friday. Let me qualify first - I have read what you wrote a few times now and am seeing a lot more between the lines than what I'm seeing typed because I have and still am working through this desire/drive to become engaged with others as I, too, have been/am very lonesome, and have looked outward instead of inward to fill the void and for definition with negative results. I wasn't ready and didn't know what "boundaries" were, so it left me dangerously vulnerable and I was harmed/taken advantage of. That's my story, though, and your relationships and experiences could be totally different. If that is the case, forgive my projecting and consequent observations. It's just that a lot of what you've shared resonates with that part of me. I'm going at it cautiously though, so bear with me.

First, I would ask you, "What is motivating your desire to share your struggles with others?" I'm asking because I see a lot of what I used to think and feel in what you've written. I would offer that it might be wise to know your intellectual and emotional mind, and to guard your heart before moving forward.

What you've written that gives me pause is copied below.

" I'm terrified of exposing my feelings and being so vulnerable. If I shared, I'd be in need of such reassurance it might frighten someone."

"I think I also feel ashamed of "how" am, meaning I think I'm very immature in many ways and I don't want people to know this. I also don't want people to know how much of my life is affected by trauma. How it is so real on a daily down to every detail of the day basis. There's so much I don't want people to know."

"I hide so much of my struggles. I have a lot invested in seeming as though I have it all together. The ONLY reason I can seem this way, is because I stay pretty far away from people. But I don't like feeling alone anymore."

What I'm seeing, and correct me if I'm wrong, is that you are ruled by fear that presents itself as vulnerability (fear of exposure and fear of being needy and reliant?), shame and a consequent need to hide to protect yourself from judgment/reprisal, and the feeling that you're not quite "normal" because of what you have going on. Thus, you feel a need to keep up a front and the question remains: "How do you do so while also sharing about such personal and deep-seated issues?" This is where Friday's suggestion regarding looking at your thinking would be very helpful. Really nail down your core beliefs, thought patterns, and motivations, first, before moving forward in letting others into your world..

If one or any of these apply, or even in taking your response as a whole - it seems to me, from my vantage point, it might be more helpful and healthier for you if you started by building a relationship with yourself. That you become your own best friend, your own advocate and cheerleader, and that you examine your thinking, and learn to strengthen and fine-tune your ability to rely upon your intuition (the still, small voice inside). @Ms. Spock's threads on mindfulness and self compassion might be helpful in this area.

One last point regarding intention - If you find that you are reaching out to others to fill a void within yourself or your life, or for acceptance and validation, I would suggest that you take stock of where you are at within yourself first.

Just some thoughts from one who has been and is still moving through that portion of self re-architecting. I hope I haven't muddied your mental waters, but wanted to offer up a few points for you to consider if they apply. Best to you. VB

 

[Overcoming]

Sometimes I'm afraid I'd scare people if I told them where my head is, so I keep it stuffed in. Then when I feel ready to talk, I wonder if I'm making a bigger deal than I need to by sharing. Or maybe they'll be annoyed if I express my brokenness. But then, dang, I feel lonely. Stupid and cyclical. Good question!

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Different parts of me feel different levels of isolation, regardless of my proximity to others.

The little girl? Totally isolated. She hasn't really gotten to speak to anyone, except for a few times in therapy. But my work-self? Not at all isolated. The hinges that she deals with and is engaged in are things that can be shared with others. (The little girl? Not so much. So she doesn't get to come out).

I think my point is (and I don't know how much my experience applies to you, since I have no idea if you are multiple or not) we feel isolated in regards to our ability (or inability) to share what is important to us with others.