Do You Think

[Snowflake]

Do you think the more you share in therapy the more your therapist cares? Or do you think they will think less of you....

I guess I worry the more I share the more my therapist will wonder why I let it happen, or how "mentally ill" or dirty I must be. I mean will they truly believe what a client has been through or do they fake it and just listen and be happy when they leave their office-saying "gosh she's crazy"

 

[DharmaGirl]

Some care, some don't, but I don't think it has to do with what you share. I used to be a case manager, and I had a short list of asshole psychiatrists and a long list of good ones. If your therapist appears to care, I would say they really do.

 

[sun seeker]

I mean will they truly believe what a client has been through or do they fake it and just listen and be happy when they leave their office-saying "gosh she's crazy"

I think you would know. I've met a few "mental health professionals" (not actual therapists) who do seem to look down on their clients, and you have to wonder how they got into the job. You can tell by the tone of voice, the body language, the questions they ask that show they don't get it. That's a different thing. If your therapist has any training in working with trauma, she understands and has empathy for trauma survivors and knows enough about the usual dynamics that she wouldn't be asking herself how you let it happen.

Real caring can't be faked. Not for any length of time anyway. If she seems to care, she really does. If she didn't you would have noticed by now. I think a pertinent question to look at might be not whether she cares but why it is so hard to believe that anyone can care. That might be a good question to work on with her.

 

[One step at a time]

Any person who judges others, has no desire to help, and fakes relationships with people should not be called a therapist.

A therapist's job is to listen to your pain and respond with compassion, with the goal of helping you cope and heal. I don't think your therapist will think less of you because you have gotten hurt. They might even watch you leave and think, "Gosh, this person is so strong and has survived so much... I hope I can help them feel safer and more able to live fully."

I wrote my post before seeing @sun seeker's post. I think they said it best, especially:

I think a pertinent question to look at might be not whether she cares but why it is so hard to believe that anyone can care. That might be a good question to work on with her.

 

[Snowflake]

ed by now. I think a pertinent question to look at might be not whether she cares but why it is so hard to believe that anyone can care. That might be a good question to work on with her.

True

 

[Panda Bear]

I believe the more I share, the better he understands me and cares for me more deeply. That better understanding and deep care allows for us to have hard times where I'm more difficult to be around. That way he can better weather my storms, because he has true insight to how I work.

He does not see my as dirty or ill or as some sort of defect. Quit the opposite, In fact. He cares for me more because of those things. And when you begin to all that affection and care to permeate YOU, the thoughts you have about weather or not you deserve to be loved, will fade.

You'll begin to see and feel those negative thoughts about yourself change.

 

[Snowflake]

My intentions this morning was to see my mom in a nursing home. Usually a trigger. However, I had a dream/memory and woke up sick to my stomach and didn't go. My thoughts were my memory is disgusting and unacceptable and how do I share it with my therapist and have still care and understand what I've been through without judging me. I definitely judge myself, and hate myself-I don't want her to as well. I just want her to accept me.

 

[Suzetig]

If she's been caring up until now, I doubt that'll change. I know with mine I've looked and looked for signs that she's as disgusted with me as I am and they're just not there. If anything she has a deeper understanding of how hurt I've been and how hard it is for me to trust that she'll still be there for me.

I know there have been times I've been so anxious about just being back in her room after some of the things I've spoken about but it's been ok. Remember you can tell her at your own pace, you don't need to tell her the dream the next time you see her, or at all of you don't want to. But if you do decide to tell her, you might just get the warm, accepting response you needs

 

[The Albatross]

I wasn't in therapy for caring, I was there to have a safe space and an objective opinion about how to make my life workable and survivable. But I am an "ambivalent attachment style" type so I expect that may have had something to do with it.

It was a "for payment" service. I also kept my motivations squarely in check and wanted as much as I could, as fast as I could manage it so as to not have the stress and pressure of prolonged therapy.

 

[Missycat]

I had found it really difficult to open up and share with my T initially due to me feeling dirty, guilty, embarrassed etc etc. I wanted to get the words out but just couldnt. We agreed that i would email her,in my own time. This way i didnt have to say it face to face. My T never pushed me, i wanted to get it out but just couldnt. I sent the email and got an email back from her saying that i had been very brave to put everything down and that she really wanted to help me. I was terrified to face her the following week but immediately she put me at ease and was genuine and empathic - she showed she cared in that she was helping me get better. She also regularly reminds me that nothing i say will change her or offend her or change the way she treats me.
If you feel uncomfortable speaking to your T face to face re the memory could you message them via email or text and then you have time to prepare for your next session?

 

[Snowflake]

ortable speaking to your T face to face re the memory could you message them via email or text and then you have time to prepare for your next session?

She doesn't do email or text-I can write a letter though

 

[GMW]

Me and my T are going through the same process.

It's called transference - the pain of what others have done is transferred onto your therapist, making you believe they are likely to respond the same way

OR

It's projection - you believe the way you see yourself is the way your T sees you

Neither is generally accurate. However both are perfectly normal.

I've been in therapy just over 3 months and the last month or so we've really been looking at this. I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) so my fear of losing someone I care about is so immense, it is like the grief of them dying if they do go. I will avoid that at all costs.

I believed (like Albatross - and I'm not saying they're wrong) that I could do therapy in a detached state. Maybe it works for some, maybe it doesn't. For me, it didn't. Why? Because long-term therapy is basically a time of re-parenting. That's why therapists are often looked on as pseudo parents - they fill that role. I needed that since my own mother was so messed up that she allowed her 15yr old daughter (me) to be removed from her care while the man raping her daughter (not a family member) was allowed to stay - because he needed to be "brought to the Kingdom" (aka made a Christian). I need a lot of reassurance, validation, care, commitment, acceptance and approval and when it is in my best interests and healthy for my T to do that, she does. Eventually, like parenting, this increases the client's confidence in session so that they can start applying the insightful therapeutic revelations in a real world context. Gradually, practising and persevering builds confidence to the point where the client is empowered enough not to need the therapist anymore - which is EXACTLY what a parent does (or should do)

They give you what's called Unconditional Positive Regard (UPR). If you do not feel cared for, you either have issues to work through (not being able to see when someone truly cares for you) or you have the wrong therapist. Either way - the only real way of handling this is being brave enough to tell your therapist how you feel. You'll be able to see from that how they respond. If they are dismissive or play games (asking "why does it matter to you if I care?" "What makes you think I don't?"or "OF COURSE I care, don't be silly!" words to that effect) - time to look for a new therapist. If they start behaving in ways which encourage your trust and actively work on showing you they care then it's you, not them. A good therapist knows trust is earned and with their more damaged clients, it will take longer. They might not go "you know I care about you" because care is something that is FELT not heard. If you don't feel it, then no amount of verbal reassurance will work. Instead they will begin SHOWING you they know who you are, SHOWING you they care. He/she will be expecting this and actually respect you for having the balls to admit to it - that's how mine responded... "that's a really hard thing to admit to, isn't it?" (AKA I know that was hard for you to confess that you're afraid of becoming too attached then losing me and I think you're very brave for doing so. My opinion of you has gone up, not down) so don't feel silly

I had an unfair advantage since my T made it clear to me (at the very beginning) that with BPD she was anticipating I would have trust issues with her. She said "With BPD if one week I cannot see you, you may experience that as abandonment" (guess what? The first and only week she's not been able to see me, my BPD hit badly!) I don't know about non-borderlines but for a Borderline it can take anything up to a year (sometimes more) to really get over the ambivalence and be able to trust fully. So I wouldn't beat yourself up too much - it's totally natural even for non-borderlines to have trust issues.

You have been badly hurt but you are still here, you are brave and strong and a fighter. An awkward conversation will feel awful but I can reassure you that on the other side it is a wonderful feeling knowing I can say to my T "I'm really struggling to trust you this week - I'm sorry". It helps, it REALLY does.

Good luck xxx