Hello,
Within formal P.T.S.D. literature describing the dynamic of what one is perceiving and how they are reacting to it, the barely or uncontained emotional response to stressors is key. In short, one doesn't divorce out emotions from P.T.S.D. for the concepts and definitions are deeply intermeshed. If P.T.S.D. was sold as a grocery store cake mix, 'Emotions' would be right near the top or just beneath 'Overwhelming circumstances rendering one helpless and exposed' on the sideboard list of ingredients!
With regards to myself, P.T.S.D. recall prompts dour depression mixed with crying jags that can last for two to three hours, whereas at other times I'll be lost in fantasies based upon 'what-if' scenarios of what could have been done or said to 'claim control' of situations I couldn't in moment such events occured. Rage, wild and out of control outbursts (usually in the car and largely out of sight) consistent with releasing what I couldn't possibly express in the moment or the environments where much untoward happened is what I'm talking about here.
There is likely a bit of gender-coloring to what I experience (scary and mindlessly male), and while I'm a bit better able to tell myself that I didn't say this or do that in the moment when bullying behavior was at it's most intense, there is a short-term aphrodisiacal quality to out-of-scale outbursts consistent with a deep-seated desire for revenge. A momentary and largely illusionary sense of power (think sadistic glee really) for expressing rage is quickly followed upon by an acute sense of guilt - and then the cycle repeats for exposure to triggers and triggering environments that carry me back again. People speak of emotional flattening, of trying not to feel anything or habitually registering no emotion. In sum it's a costly form of self-control that demonizes the very experience of emotions. Awful in total to be in the thrall of surely, whereas to trust people, to trust environments, to trust authority however constituted is an exceedingly difficult business.
I'm better now to the extent that I will almost shout to myself that 'this isn't happening, what you imagine you said or did to protest unfair behavior in any violent way isn't supported by the historical record - that this is all fantasy', but again, there is a habitual attraction to 'turning the tables' even within my imagination in relation to all that was voicelessly endured; i.e. the stigma, the giggling, the absence of any coherent official response, etc. When people know they can generate a reliable response from some marginalized party that is in no way capable of resisting, and if such cruel behavior is officially ignored or worse - wordlessly sanctioned, there really is no limit to what may be inflicted upon someone emotionally frail and not especially popular. Even for all the work done, these are still early days for me. Thanks...
M.