Does Anyone Else Feel Like An Outsider In Chit Chat?

[Springer80]

Thank you. :) I am quite proud of it actually as it has taken me almost 30 years to do so.

And then ED was gone and all this reared its ugly head as there was nothing to hide behind anymore.

I haven't quite managed to get my head around the negative coping stuff either. It seems counter intuitive doesn't it? Why would I make myself feel that awful. But I guess we fear worse in some way.

Your very welcome, three decades of battling deserves it wouldn't you say! :rolleyes:
It's peculiar the timing of stuff, once I'd got rid of my addictions and had attained this ridiculous adrenaline fueled career point my body went splat and suddenly all this stuff is unearthed.

I've got the hang of the external bad behavior, the internal is the next. Avoidance, distraction, defiance, self denial, protest. I find it astounding how ignorant I can force myself to be of myself whilst knowing that I am at the same time. :confused:

 

[Abstract]

I've got the hang of the external bad behaviour, the internal is the next. Avoidance, distraction, defiance, self denial, protest. I find it astounding how ignorant I can force myself to be of myself whilst knowing that I am at the same time. :confused:

Oh my goodness! I am right there by you. With it all. My denial alone is absolutely crippling and most of the time so severe I don't think it is denial. And the other stuff too. Really interesting that you also went splat after beating addictions. It's an unpleasant surprise isn't it? My ability to sabotage myself astounds me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Abstract said: "You almost seem to feel threatened by people pointing out that they like and value you."

Because I know it's not true. I have been horrible here on the forum. I'm sure dozens of people have me on ignore because I'm such a nasty person. Anyone says they like me doesn't know me. I know I'm toxic.

Having people in my life would make me a selfish person. I hate having to deal with PTSD, so it is selfish for me to ask anyone to be in my life. I mean, if you could do better, why would you not do better? Anyone, everyone, could find a better friend, a better companion, a better partner. I can't be so selfish as to bring someone else down.

Why don't you ask Nicolette how many times I've been temp banned for being such a nasty person? I'm amazed that they let me come back.

Nobody can laugh at me because I laugh at myself first. Nobody can hate me because I hate myself first.

I just wish the rest of the world weren't so selfish. Why do I have to stay alive just to make everyone else happy? Don't you think it's selfish of them to require me to live a life of suffering just so they won't feel the slightest twinge of two-second sadness when I'm gone?

 

[Abstract]

Nobody can laugh at me because I laugh at myself first. Nobody can hate me because I hate myself first.

ScaredOfLonely,

I think this says it all to me even though I know you want me to see the other stuff only.

You know what? Even if you can be a total tosser at times you are still a human being and your value is in the big picture not just your worst deeds. I am not a regular here bur Nicolete for one seems a straight forward person and I can't imagine her saying nice things just to make you happy or feel better.

You can act out at times and people can still value you you know. You can just try harder to not act out when distressed or angry as that is yet another way to keep people away.

It is very sad when we feel alone and misunderstood and then engage in behaviour that reinforces exactly that.

Regardless all human beings deserve care and appreciation and have innate value so you don't get to be different from everyone else.

I have wanted to die for a big chunk of my life but that does not mean that it has to stay that way. If that is how you check out then those who have hurt you have won.

 

[Springer80]

That's a very tight space you've got to exist in SOL. I've been told off by people before when i've been struggling that I'm taking my frustration out on them. People who try to help you aren't responsible for your predicament or un-entitled to their relatively 'better' (grass is greener) position because of yours.

I'm not sure what purpose this thread serves for you. I don't know you that well on this forum, I haven't been a memeber that long myself. You have written some things that have helped me though or I've enjoyed. I will continue to do on other threads but on this specific one I don't feel that by continuing to add to it that it's doing you any good. Or me for that matter. I don't like being a person who would stand by or contribute to someone else's distress (for obvious reasons).

I really hope this issue relinquishes it''s grip on you. If there is anything I think I could give to help that I would be more than glad. Until then, I don't want to be maneuvered into victimizing yourself by an abusive part of your condition.

I hope you understand.

 

[Springer80]

My ability to sabotage myself astounds me.

If you substitute sabotage for protect and back again then you might start to unfold it. I accidentally came across a book on a guy called Derrida who came up with this concept called Binary Opposition. I think its at the heart of negative reinforcement/blind spots. Check it out...I got the dummies guide btw!)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok no more acting out when distressed. Thread closed. I'll come back when I'm happy.

 

[Abstract]

If you substitute sabotage for protect and back again then you might start to unfold it. I accidentally came across a book on a guy called Derrida who came up with this concept called Binary Opposition. I think its at the heart of negative reinforcement/blind spots. Check it out...I got the dummies guide btw!)

Oh. I shall certainly do that! Nothing frightens me off when it comes to reading and this is an area I know little about so thank you. :)

 

[Abstract]

SOL,

You see when you determinedly twist peoples words and meanings to continue to abuse yourself (as noone else is doing so) then you keep yourself in a dead end. Discussing difficult and painful feelings is not the same as acting out.

I too am bowing out at this point as I think this is not helping you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Please permanently ban me. The forum would be a much better place without me here.

 

[Nicolette]

SOL you have been doing so well. You might be having a bad day. Go and do something you enjoy and take a break please.