Does Anyone Else Feel Like Life Is Just One Big Marathon?

[Rumors]

Hey Rumors... what does being authentic look like squared up with the life you're living right now....

I feel like some of my "core" relationships are a facade. I didn't realize how many faces I put on just to get through the day. I know we all do that to an extent, but I mold myself in to whatever someone else needs regardless of the toll it takes on me emotionally or physically. It amazes me how many people "expect" me to do this as well....

 

[Tinyflame]

That's awful @Rumors , though I get it. :( Can you just stick with who you can be your real self with?

 

[The Albatross]

Solid observation. Now what needs to change in you, for you to start chipping away at some more authenticity?

 

[Rumors]

That's awful @Rumors , though I get it. :( Can you just stick with who you can be your...

Yes, I try and do that. I have also tried to weed out friends/family that have an expectation that exceeds my ability of giving. It keeps things more real.

Solid observation. Now what needs to change in you, for you to start chipping away at some more au...

I think first off is being real with myself has been the best observation. I kept wondering why my relationships continued to be so chaotic and exhausting. When I stepped back I realized how incredibly dysfunctional, and often times one sided, they were. I am not sure how or when some of this will change. It involves my marriage, my father, and my brother. Those should be the core group that I count on and they count on me. Most of the time I feel like an emotional doormat for those guys. ugh. Sucks.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

When I first started therapy, I was running on empty and then I crashed. I went through so many years of my life living like a victim and thinking like one as well.

Now I am not living as a victim anymore and am responsible for what I do or say etc.

I used to have so many days of not wanting to face another day. But I got up and got through some how. Now I am really into baby steps.

Life is hard and it is unfair I realize. I have to play the cards I am dealt. Now I have a much deeper appreciation for everything in my life so that gives my life meaning.

I hope you get some rest and comfort yourself because you are so worth it.

 

[Rumors]

@gizmo
I am constantly amazed at how much I missed though over the years. I'm not sure I felt like the victim (then but maybe now I do for sure) because I just thought that was how relationships work and I had no reason to question things. I was oblivious that I could make other choices for my life. OBLIVIOUS, and I went along without complaint.. As I have become more aware, and understand I now realize I have spent most of my life dissociating (ugh I hate to admit that) and believing cognitive distortions, I just thought that was how everyone lived. As I wake up, I see things much more clearly. It is hard because it was easier when I didn't know better. I have gone too far to stuff pandora back in the box now though. Truthfully, I don't want to. I am looking forward to getting "the work" done so I can find my best self. However, I have a lot of work to do, as most of us do, in order to be whole. I have absolutely no compassion for myself what so ever.
Thank you for your post. The more I read the more "normal" I feel if that makes sense. I love that you said you had a much deeper appreciation for everything in your life. I look forward to getting there. Thank you for the comforting words. They mean a lot.

 

[The Albatross]

Bingo, and very solid observations again:

1. "I have absolutely no compassion for myself what so ever."
2. "I could make other choices for my life."
3. "I went along without complaint."

Three very good places to work on to get some authenticity Rumors?

 

[Rumors]

Bingo, and very solid observations again:

1. "I have absolutely no compassion for myself what so e...

Wow... Yep... Speechless.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

When I first started therapy and going to different support groups I had no clue at all at what I was getting into at all and it has been a very long journey for me. I realize that it is different for everyone.

I used to hate and loathe myself and was one big ball of fear all curled up in my closet just doing I do not know what I was doing. I so wanted someone to save or rescue me, thus the victim mentality. I did not mean that you are doing this at all.

Hoping for better days ahead.

 

[Rumors]

Oh @gizmo I didn't think you were referring to me at all. Sorry if I wasn't clear. I have run that scenario through my head. Certainly 5 years ago I probably didn't have victim in my mind. Today, I am much more "victim-like" if you will. Honestly, I think it has helped me in some ways at least recognize something is amiss. Does that make sense? Crazy how all of this plays out and how our minds work.

 

[Seasounds]

@Rumors, the best thing that I know that will transform your life, is to share, in whatever ways you choose, your past that you currently keep to yourself. This is what I did; it took me over a decade, but I did it. I am so glad I did. My nightmares cleared up, I didn't live in so much fear, it helped break the cycle of always feeling like I was running (to hide, and to find safety). Having safe people in my life, like my therapist and some close friends, helped me stay grounded, especially when family members didn't believe my truth. (I did say, "this is my truth, you may have yours". Sure, I lost relationships, but I developed new relationships, where I can tell my truth. This way, the past doesn't dictate my present. Take at your speed.

What I did; first I told a friend that I "thought" I was abused, then I just claimed it was so (since I had all the signs) at an Incest Survivors Meeting, then I told my therapist. If anyone doubted me, I left the friendship, or therapist-yes there are therapists who don't want to validate childhood abuse.

Best to you!

 

[Teasel]

Keeping secrets is exhausting innit. It's not like I wanted to keep any secrets or owt, but I didn't win the lottery when it comes to happy family type shit. As I've gotten older I've increasingly had the urge to be real instead of running running running to keep up the facade. .. actually am looking forward to old age lol. Apparently you care what others think less and less the older you get and I've cared far too much for far too long. Wish you well.