Does anyone else have anything similar? trying to make sense of it all

[MatthewO1987]

Hi I’m Matt, this is my first post so please be kind. So last week I finally got diagnosed (told.... not sure of the vernacular) with cptsd. I’ve been in contact with a great charity whom are giving great support.

A little about me, I don’t know if this is irregular or not but I hid my issues from myself and others (or so I thought) for a long time, we are now trying to work through incidents that are 3 or so years old and stuff to do with an old marriage (she was abusive to me which may or may not have contributed (i guess I don’t know)) I feel I have done ireperable harm to myself and I have destroyed the relationships around me.

I have issues with dreams... more reliving I guess, these also occur as day dreams. These are both reliving and just revisiting incident (as in sometimes I do different things or get different outcomes) I have found the whole issue vey confusing to be honest.

My main symptom has been quite odd, I found myself almost trying to live a different life. I met someone I truly loved but have destroyed that (I didn’t know that I was even sick, I don’t know how I didn’t but I honestly didn’t), it was like what I was doing was perfectly acceptable or like it would be ok in the end.... needless to say it wasn’t. I found that I lied about so much stuff, crazy stuff, I honestly feel so ashamed of how I acted. I feel I owe her an explanation but I think I need to pick my moment.

The other thing I had was headaches (crippling migraines) which I never associated with the incident until I was outed and started getting help. In barely a couple of weeks I have really noticed a difference with the headaches (may just be in my head though).

Guess I just wanted to gauge how lost I was with this all. Maybe repent a little too I guess

Regards and thank you
Matt

 

[ILoveLife]

Hi Matt, welcome :)

I think what you described is fairly common amongst us. I also destroyed relationships around me, eventually rebuilding what was possible. Had to learn to move on from what wasn't.

I also have dreams and daydreams about the abuses I endured.

And I do think your ex had plenty to contribute to your current situation.
Give it time and take it one step at a time. Sometimes everything seems dark other times some light shines through :)

Take a look around the boards, I'm sure you'll read plenty of relatable accounts.

 

[blackemerald1]

@MatthewO1987 hello and welcome to the forum. :)

Having PTSD and not knowing why you are so tormented is really hard. I'm glad you found this forum. I hope we can support you on your way to managing your health better.

Working on it through therapy is really important and I am glad you have some good support through the charity.

Regarding relationships - I do not think there are many amongst us who have avoided issues with relationships one way or another.

Being misunderstood is a common problem for many with PTSD but it can be worked on too.

@Sietz is correct - when you are feeling more in control and you are ready you may be able to apologise to those you have hurt.

Look forward to seeing you around here. :)

 

[digger]

@MatthewO1987 - please log in to your account to reply, thanks.

 

[MatthewO1987]

Hi sorry for taking a few days to reply, I did write a reply but I didn’t realise I hadn’t logged in. I really do feel cut up about the relationship, with regard to the PTSD treatment and therapy I actually feel quite confident.... I just feel like a terrible person for the things I did and can’t help but wish that I’d found out these things about myself earlier. I find it so strange that I was the one who did all of those things before my diagnosis... I know it may sound odd but the memories of the weird things I did don’t feel like they were me... it feels like I’m watching someone else do things through my mind. does anyone else have that? I don’t really understand how to cope with the aftermath of this all... I get that what is done is done but I’m struggling to come to terms with the way I acted.... I’m not sure if anyone would be able to relate to this? I have started trying to learn to be more mindful and I’m following the instructions of the therapists as best as I can but i am struggling to see my way forward from this. I feel so much better very quickly (I understand this may well be a false sense of security but I felt a weight lifted once I understood what was happening) but I feel like I may sit static for a long time. I don’t know.

 

[ILoveLife]

I get that what is done is done but I’m struggling to come to terms with the way I acted.... I’m not sure if anyone would be able to relate to this?

Yes. Sometimes I'm so detached from myself that that happens, less and less so its true. Not it's just more mundane stuff, not feeling in the moment... I realized today I was drinking a glass of water and got startled. Go figure.
I think with therapy and perseverance it's possible to return more to the self, assume responsibility for our actions (not blame or guilt, no need) and especially do things differently.

 

[EveHarrington]

Self forgiveness?