Does Anyone Else Have Difficulty With Meaningful Intimate and Emotional Connection?

[Dylan]

Well, I guess I'll chime in here with a "Yes, me, too".

This is a pervasive and slippery nut for me. When I was young I thought I must be psychotic or evil because I had no feelings toward anyone. No feelings of warmth or "love" or....anything, really. There was just nothing there.

It's somewhat better now and, with consistent/persistent work on feeling feelings (I generally do an hourly feelings check; on bad days, like I'm having today, I try for every 30 minutes), I'm more aware of feelings.

What's interesting is, when I start to get closer to feelings, I can actually retroactively feel things -- I can FEEL the enjoyment of what should have been a fun/good experience in the past but, because of numbness/shut down, I felt nothing. So, the feelings I guess really must be there, but are just inaccessible for self protection. I can actually (sometimes) retroactively feel those good, warm feelings I couldn't feel at the time of the actual experience. Isn't that a trip!

-Dylan

 

[patrick]

Dylan,

Retroactive feelings...that is a trip, and I know just what you're talking about. I've been thinking of them as "memory feelings" and they seem to come out of nowhere when I'm least expecting it. I don't do anything formal about checking my feelings on a regular basis, but it sounds like a good idea. I would be nice to feel again, instead of just acting, especially in relationship with somebody else. I've sure had my share of problems in that area over the years.

 

[Tinyflame]

patrick- I think that you will find it so helpful to check feelings, a lot more starts to really make sense.

I think speaking for myself the "feelings' are always there, but despite myself I "stuff" them a lot, even despite myself. But when they come out (which is really for the first time) they are as fresh and strong as they should have been originally, whether it's 25 years or 25 minutes.

One thing I know for sure is, no matter what- feelings always change, and then our thoughts do, too. I did this exercise in a book over the summer: they said write down whatever you're feeling. Then you did some "deep breathing" and wrote it down again- it was amazing how some were so different! (Amazed me, anyway. :smile: )

 

[TLight]

Another "me too"............my new boyfriend was passionately kissing me and connecting in very strong ways with me the other night. He said, "My Gosh......are you just feeling all these loving feelings right now? It's like I can't get close enough to you, I love you so much!"

I was very touched, but felt nothing...........I think I was dissociated completely. No one has ever cared for me like this........and he knows everything about me. He is totally in love with me.........and I love him......but I feel sometimes, like now that I'm home at my place for a couple of days......that I could just walk right back into my 'life'..........sort of isolated..........but I could just walk right back into it and not even really 'miss' him.

I don't know..........But at other times I've felt my heart swell up when I look at him or see him happy. I do care, can feel caring..........but I think I don't trust fully the fact that someone can really care about me like this. I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED IT! I think it is some kind of psychological protective device...........dissociating is what it is. To believe that another human actually cares about me more than anything is something totally foreign.

I'm talking with my therapist today about this..........very interesting. I so wanted to feel something.........he was expressing his love so openly.........I kissed back but I wasn't there...........I just wasn't there. I just didn't know what to make of it.

 

[dust]

T-light,

I really, really hope you do manage to feel those loving feelings with your new beau. It feels like I felt love for the first time this year. When it happened I couldn't stop coughing and nearly threw up everywhere. I've felt it a couple more times since an it is really lovely and warm and it feels safe and connected. It just radiates through the body, like golden sunshine and it feels like the most natural and beautiful thing in the world.

I wonder if I ever had this sensation before? Something inside me wants me to be able to say yes, but somehow I don't recollect it.

The person I felt love for was not a lover, but a very good friend. We have been through a lot together and he has been there for me enough for me to know he won't harm.

Love for all!

dust

 

[2notbedefeated]

Well, I can relate to everyone who has responded. I certainly feel distant and empty when my husband hugs me or kisses me. It's so weird. There are times when I would almost rather he didn't show affection, because all it does is remind me of what I am not able to do. That I can't feel and that I can't connect. I feel more isolated, more like an alien on this planet. Ugh, it is so frustrating.

However, I try to tell myself when he does show signs of affection and lovemaking that this is good and that even though I may not feel I can know that he obviously cares for me. He is gentle and patient with me. So in my head I know he is probably safe, but my feelers want to react and I hear myself saying, "Can I trust him, will he hurt me, is he safe, will he betray me?" I'm unknowingly at times put people through these "mini-tests" to see if they are safe for me to be around. It can be so exhausting at times.

I was always thought to be uncaring and intimidating by peers and others in my life. Now and especially growing up. My quiet, scared and timid disposition was interpreted by others as being stuck up, better than others, and unfriendly. I wasn't really. I just was so scared of people I didn't know how to relate and interact with others. I was very insecure and not confident in myself. I find it strange that others interpret these kind of responses and quiet, shy behavior has saying I don't need you or want you in my life. When inside I am crying out for somebody to care about me.

Yet, I was afraid to get close because I was afraid others would know the things that happened to me and the knowledge I possessed about men, sex, pain, pleasure. pornography, etc., etc, and make fun of me, or that I would be punished or get in trouble.

I'm still trying to "re-wire" myself. Very foreign to feel something you've never received yourself. I was just so lonely, felt so hurt, I mean so hurt, and sooo scared. I didn't know when or who was going to hurt and betray me from minute to minute.

Just a few of my thoughts.

 

[dust]

My nickname was 'snob' when I was a kid - totally know where you are coming from on that front!

 

[Deleted member 541]

Just had a therapy session last night, and my T said I am co-dependent.....Am I??? I don't know, but what I do know is this......I spent years not giving a shit, or a rats ass about anyone or anything. I just didn't care, feel, or think about anyone, or how they felt either. My middle name was *Bitch* and I told people in no such terms that Yes, I am a BITCH and I worked hard to get that name and NO ONE would ever take it away from me. I was proud to be a bitch!!!!!!!!! I was just to angry and numb to care.......

Then I went through 2 1/2 years of extensive therapy, and learned that being a uncaring, unfeeling bitch wasn't getting me anywhere. I worked really hard to get my head out of my ass and to get healthy... I started to care, to feel, and to honestly look at others and their problems. I started to reach out to those that were in need, and offered my help.......

Now I am in way over my head, and the stress is starting to get to me......I don't know a middle ground, and don't know how to get there without being a uncaring bitch again....

Man PTSD sucks.......Having an emotional connection is hard, but it's also hard to know when to put the brakes on with it too.......:crazy::crazy:

 

[2notbedefeated]

Yeap, She Cat, I understand totally on that one! I feel like a pendUlem (spelling maybe wrong on that word) I seem to swing from one extreme to the other myself. Either not caring, or caring way tooooo much.

I want to rescue people sometimes, and yet sometimes I don't give a care. It's like I give and give and give out, and them it's like there's this spring, like a rubber band, once it's stretched as far as it can be, it then snaps you back to the beginning again. Ugh,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I am so seeing how the abuse I experience just "bleeds" and effects all the areas of my life. I hate it so much! Makes me angry, and yet I feel so helpless at times.

 

[Wookie58]

I suspect people like us were conditioned to have our emotions disregarded. I'm having a problem with my family comprehending that I need help at times with "our" mother.

Last year I was experiencing warning signs of heart attack but got no answer when I requested a week off. I've been caring for her since January 2006 singlehandly.
I was living with younger brother and his wife at that time and got no help even though I was very ill. Pavlov's animals stopped responding after awhile too. Same diference.

P.S. Older brother, wife,younger sister and kids were too busy vacationing at a nearby beach at that time! Figures!