Does Anyone Else Have Trouble Believing Their Own Story?

[kers]

My mother constantly screamed at me "YOU BRING THIS ALL ON YOURSELF" .

Yup, my brother you to say that, too: "You make it so hard on yourself; if you would just take it, everything would be easier."

The emotional abuse aspect of many traumas distorts our perceptions so that we minimize what happened, detach from it, and self-blame.

 

[lrs]

That is so true.

 

[UmightKnowMe]

I have lots of trouble feeling the feelings attached to what happened to me too. I have read it through out loud a few times but very flat. It was the only way I could get myself to say the words out loud...I had to step back into myself and some other part of me said the words. But they say I have to feel the feelings to get better. Its so scary! And I keep thinking one day someone will step up and say HA! You are LYING and I KNOW IT! But I'm not. ANd if I put myself out there...and that happens I just dont know.

 

[linasmom]

The emotional abuse aspect of many traumas distorts our perceptions so that we minimize what happened, detach from it, and self-blame.

My mother always seemed to have an "excuse" for why I was being beaten, something that I "did" or "didn't do" (also, I never knew what was allowed since the rules constantly changed therefore, I was always to blame for the "punishment" )---- yes, self-blame, it's very confusing in the end trying to figure it all out.

I remember at one point I actually questioned whether or not I had actually been abused. It's times like those that a good third party puts things back into perspective.

 

[UmightKnowMe]

LinasMom do you mean that you sometimes question that what happened actually happened or do you question that what happened would be called abuse?

 

[linasmom]

I've questioned if what has happened to me would be called abuse (which, I understand was not the original question).

But, I know that what was done to me, over a period of many years, was abuse. Sexual abuse, physical abuse and mental abuse. I think I sometimes have trouble accepting that it was abuse because for so long I was made to believe that I "deserved" it.

 

[Salu]

Its not that I don´t believe my story, it´s more like, there are people who are so much worse off so why am I making such a big deal about it? (An older boy sexually assaulted me when I was around 4 or 5, he´s in prison for an actual rape now by the way, and my brother seemed to be "interested" in me, he has never made a big secret about it) So I´m scared of men and when someone even as much as tries to touch me it results in panic. And there are a lot of other things too, mostly mental abuse. But the problem is - when you live in it, you don´t even know it is abuse, for you its normal life and later it´s hard to admit you did not have normal experience and everybody else around you seems to have it.

I do hope things get better for you and I wish you the best.

 

[UmightKnowMe]

Yes I wonder sometimes if the things that happened to me were really abuse...or if it was ME that was (is) weak or something. I know they DID happen..who would make up things like that? If I am going to create imaginary happenings I would come up with grand things!

 

[trial'n'error]

Salu, I feel just that way sometimes - others had it so much worse than me, why am I so screwed up over it? Yet - I was/am traumatized! Some people can deal with the experiences I had without as much pain, others might crumble and do worse than me. Other times, when I lay out the whole story of everything that happened, I think - did all that stuff really happen to me?? What hard times and horrible events! No wonder I've felt like a victim so much of my life!

It's really hard for me to feel the feelings associated with the traumas that happened to me. Sometimes (not often) I am in touch with them and it's so difficult. Other times I can recount many things and it's surprising what comes up, things I put out of my mind for so many years, yet it's like I am talking about someone else. It almost feels like it didn't happen.

 

[nonabug5]

I doubt my memories alot, but the physical scars are there to lend credability. Nightmares are horrible. I only sleep with exhaustion (& meds....:wall: ), but I always wake up in a cold sweat or screaming.

My hubby had a heart attack not to long ago & I feel very guilty about the stress I have brought upon him, both emotionally & financially. I didn't play when I went off the deep end, I feel like I really jumped out there in the middle of some deep abyss....

 

[jeapea]

I've been there. To all of these places. And tonight, when I couldn't sleep again... I went out into the pasture with my horses and just stood there with them in the full moonlight... listening to the sound of the owls calling... and the distant sound of a baler working a field of alfalfa... My main 'friend' wandered off a ways... and I felt a sudden loss... abandonment... then realized... he's just protecting his "herd". And I get to be included in that.... they are my main source of healing & focus.... we are neccessary to each other. We are not alone in the world. They were the only ones who believed me.

 

[sirsir]

Sandy parts of my story I have a hard time believing just because of the lost of humanity but it happened.