Does Anyone Else Here Goes Through These Attachment/deatchment Issues?

[J_trustno1]

Hmm,, I know this is a silly question but I wanted to know what kind of reactions people have here.

Okay, so my mum visits my abusers who happen to be her relatives and it bugs me. I know that I cannot control her life because they are part of her family, but I get this hate and anger towards them. I know, I shouldn't feel this way and I have no right to make decisions for her.

I have also noticed this last year and couple of years earlier. When I liked this person and they treated me like crap but they were still friends with my friend. It bugged me. I felt i was not important enough so people were just avoiding me. I know that this isn't a healthy attitude and it shouldn't bother me what decisions people make but it is affecting me. Is this part of jealousy or the hate towards this person?

Does anyone else have these attachment and detachment issues?

It's like once I had enough of someone, I just can't tolerate them around me. I don't want to sound like a narcissist here but it is a question I wanted get some positive answers on. Thanks for reading.

 

[ms spock]

I have severe detachment and attachment issues Jess.

It really hurts when our families choose our abusers over us, is my way of thinking about it. Having emotions around this is quite normal in my opinion. How you manage these emotions can be quite the challenge.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Ms Spock : yes but why am I feeling the same feeling when my friends are friends with the guy who dumped me? It's been a long time since I was dumped but I just don't want my friends being friends with them. Am I being a narcissist here?

 

[Rizen]

I don't really know how that is but it's good you're in touch with what your feeling and getting help.

 

[StarChild]

I just don't want my friends being friends with them. Am I being a narcissist here?

No, I don't see this as a narcissist trait. To me it looks more, like your issues stem from a deep need to want to live in a faultless, intact world. And that such persons as your ex seem to threaten your inner balance and your inner need for security. Could that be, jess?

 

[J_trustno1]

Well, I felt betrayed. I hated myself for him being with me. He was a friend for 3 months and the relationship was only 4 days long. He was the first person I allowed my walls down to but he dumped me. He ignored me for a month and then comes up with excuses at asking after a month. Then after a year, I found out that he had a girlfriend whom he went to Thailand with and is now engaged to. My friend told me this. I felt betrayed. I disliked the fact that we had mutual friends!

 

[ms spock]

@Ms Spock : yes but why am i feeling the same feeling when my friends are friends with the guy who dumped me?

Well you could be I guess Jess, but more likely in my opinion is that you could be projecting your feelings on your family of origin onto your friends. It is quite a common thing to do.

Unresolved feelings about our families and unresolved dynamics in our families tend to repeat in our lives.

You are not in therapy yet or living in a safe place so maybe focus on self care and grounding rather than over analysing everything.

 

[J_trustno1]

Umm.. okay @Ms Spock. Thanks for the help :)

 

[ms spock]

You don't have to actually pay attention to what I am saying Jess. It is a suggestion from me. I mean it with kindness, but it might not be helpful. You best know what you need in your own life.

I am here to make suggestions and also to disco dance in chat.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm thinking back to my youth....

If a guy dumped me in an inappropriate way then I would want my friends to side with me. Depending on how 'inappropriate' his actions were, would depend on how much siding I want....eg if I wanted them to stop being his friend.

If a guy and I broke up for general incompatibility reasons and was mostly respectful through the break up then I think it would be wrong to ask my friends to side with me over him.

The older you get, the less 'siding' you get from friends. Not sure why, just something I've noticed.

 

[Pinkmoon1]

Jess, I know exactly how you feel. This issue ends up being within ourselves.....deep down we just don't feel worthy and people in our lives that are nice to people who have wronged us inn some ways hits us to the core.

 

[shimmerz]

@Jess, i don't know. I have a different take on this. The word 'abusers' stuck out here. I have had abusers too and I feel that if someone I loved knew that I was abused then I would be upset as well if they chose to continue being around them.

It feels to me like they are saying the abuse was okay. And it was not. Just my two cents worth.