does anyone elses mind go through waves of denial?

[inkpistachio]

there are points in my life where my mind genuinely tries to believe my trauma never happened. i completely go into denial and try to think i have no childhood memories, or no traumatic memories whatsoever. for me this happens about once a month, how long the wave lasts depends, but its a really strange feeling.

im wondering if anyone else goes through this? its really challenging for me

 

[In the weeds]

I go through something like that. I've never denied the traumas happened but I'll start telling myself it was no big deal, I lived through it. I have no scars from it. On and on.. and for awhile it worked, until it didn't.

 

[Movingforward10]

I totally blocked it out. And then denied it. And then believed it. Then forgot it again. Then denied it. Then minimised it. Then forgot it again.
Rinse and repeat.

It's a f*cking annoying state to be in.

 

[gorgonzola]

I keep mine in a part that does some intruding every so often. Then my avoidance amnesias it in short order. So I know what the details are, I just can't remember them.

Is that denial or avoidance?

 

[pamcoco]

Denial is a beast for me. I experience it more in relationships than denying the trauma. But with the slightest vapor of kindness I bury the reality of who people really are. I try to think of it like Stockholm Syndrome because somehow that feels less self deprecating.

 

[Friday]

Most of my life is divided up into “chapters”.

When I’m at my best? I can easily flip to/through any chapter; and have total access to all memories, skills, etc. from that/those chapters; but NONE of them are regularly on my mind, except for the one I’m in, or the one I’m working towards.

When I’m struggling, I don’t even have an index of chapters, and if I somehow manage to get to one? The durn thing is glued shut. I know it’s THERE, I “just” don’t have access to it. Or? The reverse. The rest of the book is glued shut and the only thing I have access to is the past. Not easy access, though, more like trying to drive with a fogged up windshield; I can’t see now, I can only see the past. Very little in between those 2 opposites, although I’ve often cycle through both with eyecrossig & nauseating speed.

When I’m at my worst it’s like someone has ripped all the pages out and flung them into the air. Everything is mixed up, out of order, and -worse- I can’t stop remembering, as I’m having to “read” everything to try and put. them. back. where. they. belong.

^^^ None of which are the kind of traumatic amnesia where people forget parts, often important parts, of the event(s); nor entirely blanking out their childhoods, or XYZ, or ABC periods or their lives.

 

[In the weeds]

I guess I've gotten to that age where I can remember things from 50 yrs ago easier than I can remember last week. Sometimes those older memories jump into my brain uninvited and then I struggle to get back to "now".