Does Anyone Fear They Are Burdensome?

[anni]

Yes, our lovely, good Junebug and it's funny. Today, started out with yet another knock-down, drag out migraine, spent last night fighting 9unsuccessfully ) that dragging depression fear/shame/guilt CRAP tthis thing feeds us ( let's see- connection, anyone? ) and at the moment have the seeds of resentment boiling away in my still horribly nauseated stomach. Another evening shot to hell, another morning not mine, one more day scrambling to reclaim self from the lies my head is telling me. This time I'm pretty sure I was manipulated into helplessness, too-so doubly resentful. ( Long story. ) The point being that I AM resentful and the point being to that is it's at least a stepping stone to clear, 'good' anger-the deserved kind. The further point being that it's a way 'out' of this stupid shame stuff- perhaps not always, perhaps like everything it's going to have to be 'learned', it won't always be anger ( Lord I hope not! ) but there's a mechanism of self worth somewhere which apparently does allow it. Interesting, isn't it? I'm actually a little too icky feeling to write more ( as if this isn't enough already ) but gosh- have always shared this in the extreme. This resentment I'm feeling is unusual enough to distract me even from the aftermath of a migraine, so thought I'd write, since it's 'something', you know? Or feels that way-by way of hope. I find myself resentful for all of you, you know-this shame. It's not ours.

I do have some things to accomplish, so need to try to get back here when the stomach stops yelling a me. :) Hopefully can ascertain then whether or not then this was a load of dishwater and made zero sense after all. No meds, I swear, just Imitrex! :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you, Dear anni, I think that is very clear and very healthy thinking to be fed up to the extreme with the way this shame takes over so many of us, I'm starting to think it controls much of my life in terms of decisions, and feelings (and therefore more decisions). I am starting to wonder if shame itself could be some kind of trigger- or maybe 'learned' in a way, too? Only because I have found myself after the fact having (also) done dangerous things to myself that at the time didn't register. It certainly takes a lot of effort, sometimes, to drag one's self out of the mire- by the time I realize it I'm in neck-deep. Ugh.

Oh yes, and forgot- thank you about saying that you realize that reacting-back (not your words) is a trigger for you for SI's, that is me too exactly and I thought that also explains why one thing works for one person, but not another. I think that is why I feel better if someone gets angry at something I can't as regards myself, if that makes sense? It's not just validation or a confirmation (I know it's ok/ right) but it's that other part also.
Hey- I'm not on meds, either, typing this, lol. No excuse.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize I usually don't realize what I've done to myself until way after the consequences- but I don't mean to do it.
I just realized too I posted this thread "Does anyone fear.."

 

[Nighthawk]

I feel everything you have spoken about. I often stop myself from doing anything because I believe there is a bill board on my head that tells my shame to the world. G-d forbid someone looks at me the wrong way or stares into my eyes they may see it and validate it. Not that it needs any validating I do that well enough on my own.

Have I even made sense to myself

Kind thoughts
(((((Junebug)))))

NH

 

[Jade-]

Does anyone feel ashamed of their symptoms?

I do....and I hate feeling like a burden, especially to my husband. I hate that he worries about me so much...I am ashamed that I have given him so many reasons to worry in the first place. He works out of town on the weekends and it bothers me that instead of just concentrating on his job he is worrying about me and calling the kids to see if I'm ok, what kind of mood i'm in,etc.

I'm also ashamed that I need so much help from him for simple things when I'm having an 'off' day. He works hard at his job, it's not right that he has to do everything for me too. It feels humiliating. For instance, this weekend he set a goal for me.....to get the house vacumed....which I did do...but it makes me feel so ashamed that he would have to encourage me and cheer me on to do something so trivial. I also got groceries by myself on friday....I was anxious and covered with sweat by the time I was finished....and felt ashamed that getting groceries becomes a terrifying experience for me.

I could go on and on with all the things I'm ashamed for and all the reasons I feel like a burden. Sometimes I think my husband would be so much better off without me and I feel like he deserves more than me....so you're not alone in the way you feel Junebug.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you ((((NP)))) and ((((Jadebear))))

I can only think to reshape it that we're (I'm) not a burden to everyone, all the time -[thanks to ((((Jesta)))) ]
((((Everyone -So Sweet)))) ]

 

[Vee Lagrome]

Ugh, I know I have felt that for the longest time, but I'm going through a seriously apathetic phase right now where I'm like "I have issues overflowing, deal with it." It might be because I'm just really stressing out about the latest trauma in the Saga of Vee, but I have no patience right now for anyone complaining about my issues. Someone actually told my husband that they are tired of me always having some excuse for having an off day and I actually heard her tell my husband that I'm a complete psycho and the equivalent of "why did you marry her?" Not only did this not bother me, for whatever reason, I actually asked, "Yes...psycho... so, you taking a shower later? I'll go tell mother..."

Sometimes, you just have to laugh it off. Them feeling tired and burdened? Try being in your shoes for a day and every time they see you they'll thank their lucky stars that they aren't quite as burdened as you are!

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks Vee, I think you are healthier than you give yourself credit for.

I am sorry that that woman said such cruel things, both to you and your husband. I can only say that I hate being 'me' and hardly would have a defense against such a comment if it were as regards myself, but if I could exchange ptsd for that judgementalness, or thoughtlessness, cruelty and lack of class, I'd keep the ptsd.

 

[jewel]

Try being in your shoes for a day and every time they see you they'll thank their lucky stars that they aren't quite as burdened as you are!

Vee, I tell this to people all the time. But I say "I wish you could experience my worst day for just one full day". It usually shocks them into reality. They say something like "why would you be so mean to me". For compassion! So we can all have understanding and compassion toward one another.
I'm really sorry you had that situation happen with such nasty people. At least you know you can turn here for compassion and understanding.

 

[Vee Lagrome]

Thanks Vee, I think you are healthier than you give yourself credit for.

I am sorry that that woman said such cruel things, both to you and your husband. I can only say that I hate being 'me' and hardly would have a defense against such a comment if it were as regards myself, but if I could exchange ptsd for that judgementalness, or thoughtlessness, cruelty and lack of class, I'd keep the ptsd.

Amen to that!

 

[Vee Lagrome]

Vee, I tell this to people all the time. But I say "I wish you could experience my worst day for just one full day". It usually shocks them into reality. They say something like "why would you be so mean to me". For compassion! So we can all have understanding and compassion toward one another.
I'm really sorry you had that situation happen with such nasty people. At least you know you can turn here for compassion and understanding.

Yes, it's so mean for you to suggest that they are being narrow-minded and would benefit from a broadened perspective! I don't know how anyone could possibly be that self-centered. I can only hope that something in their life gives them the chance to learn.

The woman in question is an absolute moron and I wasn't shocked at all when she said that. She's the kind of person who runs her mouth about everyone and cannot be happy unless there's some kind of drama going on. I'm glad it wasn't my mother-in-law, because that would have been just... aagh!
But, Junebug is right, I would take the PTSD any day over her bad attitude and ignorance!

 

[shadowchaser]

I. Am not ashamed but I know I'm a burden. I don't try to date anymore because of it.