Does Anyone Find It Difficult To Talk?

[IsStranged]

Maybe I'm having a freeze reaction, I don't know. But I know in talking for some reason I feel ashamed of all that's happened to me.

I realize I had an abusive and neglectful narcissistic mother, an enabling father, and a golden boy older brother. I am the scapegoat, the lost child. Their latest stunts have almost pushed me over the edge and it's hard to talk about it.

I cannot isolate any longer but I feel stuck and don't know what to do. I feel like my life is worthless because my biological family treated me like I'm worthless.

And that's not all, after I grew up they had already conditioned me to get into countless horrific abusive situations over and over again. There has just been so much, too much. So now I feel embarrassed to make new friends because I feel like I'm so different, like I'm damaged goods.

As soon as I overcome this, I will just have to start talking about it. Isolating is doing no good. I want to change my life and create new good memories but I don't know how.

 

[Bubblegirl]

"I realize I had an abusive and neglectful narcissistic mother, an enabling father, and a golden boy older brother. I am the scapegoat, the lost child".....
I grew up the same way. The lost child. It's okay. You have to find your own identity, make new and good memories, like you said, it can be done, I am doing it.
You are stating truths, that is a good start. Keep going!! Thank you for posting, you encourage more than you know just by putting it out there.

 

[One step at a time]

Yes. Talking makes it more real for me - otherwise, I can block and not think about it.
Writing here is a great first step. Starting a trauma diary can help because you don't need to be asking a question or anything - you can just say what is in your head. And if you can find a good therapist, that can be a very helpful space for talking, too.

You are not damaged goods, even though it feels that way a lot of the time.
While many of us have been hurt, we are not broken beyond repair.
Recognizing that the hurt was the fault of someone else, recognizing that isolation isn't working, and reaching out for support are all steps towards healing... sending a hug, if you want it.

 

[ladee]

I hope someday,hoping you are still here on this forum,you find this post and read it again. Just so you can see how much you have grown from sharing this!

Probably the majority of people here, myself included, felt this way at one time.
Not all of us were able to be as self aware as you are.
Anyone that can see so Cleary the issues, the causes, and consequences should be very proud of herself!
Find you a Trauma Therapist and get on with healing!
Knowing going in makes this healing journey a little less complicated.
A huge part of you is screaming to heal.
You are supported here! You are heard here!
You do have a voice! It may take awhile to open up..but you did it here!
Sending energy for you to start looking for a T and discover the life waiting for you!
You didn't desrve any of your history. None of us did.
But sooo many here to show you you are worth more than you were taught and told!
Very impressed with your insight. Good luck and gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[Parley]

I don't share well with others unless I'm angry. Otherwise, I just edit myself into silence. I talk to a therapist but I pay him to listen. it's a release if nothing else. I'm hoping it will make me stronger. find my back bone without the anger.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Maybe I'm having a freeze reaction, I don't know. But I know in talking for some reason I feel asham...

You are putting yourself down. In my mind there are plenty of people that are damaged goods: prostitutes, pimps, corrupt police officers and security guards, rich bosses who are actively playing god: those are all damaged goods people.

Victims of violence are the exact opposite: they are the pure, they are the truth who have to fight against the damaged goods people.

 

[Llith]

I find I always tailor what I am saying to who I am speaking with. If I feel they will not understand I leave large chunks out, and tell really incomplete stories. Though thats once I have started telling anyone anything. Problem is I do it with therapists as well which isn't helpful, its a real struggle for me to say what actually happened, but sometimes I just write it down to remind myself that it did.