Does Anyone Have Experience Of EMDR?

[Iam]

Oh MD.....I didn't mean to make you feel that way! I had to ask how to use the quote too. I think probably most of us here had to! I guess I am not very good at explaining how to use things LOL!

I believe that what we have gone thru is the reason we don't recognize what we are feeling. For me.....I just stopped feeling all together, or at least was adept at rapidly pushing feelings down so far that I wasn't aware of them. I'm glad you have an intuitive and strong T! You are strong yourself or you wouldn't have survived your traumas!

 

[maddog]

Oh no Iam, don't apologise about the quoting thing, I was only kidding, it was actually a very clear and logical explanation... which is probbly why I struggled! Clarity and logic don't come easy to me you see!!

You know, I used to think I knew what "strong" meant. I had this very clear image in my mind of "strong" being unbreakable, emotionless, resolute, unaffected by anything and immune to all forms of pain. And you bet I was strong... just ask and I'll demonstrate to anyone who wants to see, right? Right!

Obviously, I think we all know better than that, even me thesedays. Still, I'm not sure that I've managed to redefine "strong" any more satisfactorily today. Maybe you're right, maybe it's as simple as all of us still being here in spite of all that we've endured. Maybe it's only "strength" that keeps us alive and fighting on.

It's like this silly pedantic word wrestle I have with T all the time, which is actually bigger than just a word wrestle... I find myself lamenting the fact that I'm not "coping", or not "coping well enough". He takes issue with this of course, says of course I'm "coping", and indeed that I'm "coping well enough", because otherwise I wouldn't be here, going to work (mostly), running a house (more or less), getting from A to B (more often than not...) etc. I mightn't be "coping as well as I'd like to", but to say that I'm "not coping" would be a lie.

OftenI want to slap him for it, because it's easy to interpret it as hair-splitting and an attempt at deflecting the ugly truth of the fact that my life is falling apart. But I know that on some level he is right, and good enough has to be good enough, in view of "the circumstances".

I dunno, it's all just so hard to adjust perspective and learn to really internalise where I'm at, why, and how on earth I'm going to crawl out of it. Maybe if and when I do, I'll know what "strong" really is.

Maddog

 

[Iam]

Often I want to slap him for it, because it's easy to interpret it as hair-splitting and an attempt at deflecting the ugly truth of the fact that my life is falling apart. But I know that on some level he is right, and good enough has to be good enough, in view of "the circumstances".
Maddog

LMAO! Sorry.......it's just that there are many times I wanted to slap my T. He always says to remind myself "I'm taking care of myself because I DESERVE it!".....I'd glare at him and tell him how much I hated that mantra. I know it's true, but I still don't think I quite believe it for myself! :rolleyes: I do take care of myself because I know I NEED to. The other mantra he quotes is that "I did not have, nor will I ever have the parents I deserved and I will not find them in my spouse, friends or my therapist. I need to be a good parent to myself." This I do believe, but didn't quite grasp until I felt compassion for the self critical ego state. All of a sudden when that happened, I finally really understood and took it to heart. That was the biggest turning point for me.

I know grammar states that we shouldn't start a sentence with "but"......But, I digress, sorry about that. I think that the hair splitting isn't so minute as that states......they are the fine points that really get into our core issues. When we can absorb and internalize them as truth, that is where the true healing lies.

And yes, when you get there and look back.....your perspective on what "strong" is will change. You will believe in the strength you have had. Going thru therapy, sticking with it because you want to grow and be healthy is PROOF of your strength. 90% of us don't have the courage to do that......you obviously do!

 

[maddog]

Thanks so much Iam, I really needed to hear this today I think, all of it. I think I know well enough by now to assume that the statements and messages which irritate me most and which I most viciously fight against, are probably the truest, the most subtle, yet the deepest and most defining. It probably says too much about me, therefore, to reflect on the fact that some of T's most irritating and repetitive mantras to me are:

"You're human, just like the rest of us.";
"It mightn't be up to your usual gold standard, but that's ok...";
"Your best is all anyone can ask of you.";
"You deserved better."
"You're letting your emotions run away with you again.";
"What would you tell someone else if it was them telling you this story?";
"You're safe, memories can't hurt you, and these feelings will pass..."

I could go on and on, but I won't... geez, it makes it sound like he irritates me lots doesn't it! Actually, it's just that he talks a lot and apparently needs to tell slow, stubborn old me the same things a thousand times. I'm sure I test his patience to the extreme.

I see so much strength in everyone here, and even without being able to settle on a definition, I think I do know it when I see it, and it's everywhere here.

Maddog

 

[Iam]

Oh man can I relate MD! The mantras over and over and over again! I heard all of the above and probably all of the ones you heard but didn't list or at least different versions of the same ;) I figured the exact same thing....that he had to tell me repeatedly for it to finally sink in. I stated to him on more than several occasions that he must be totally frustrated with me. You sound like my clone LOL!

Actually given that I no longer fit the criteria of PTSD maybe that can be an encouragement to you! You'll make it thru all of this, I have no doubt! :tup:

 

[maddog]

Wow Iam, let me confess that I actually can't imagine, in any way at all, being in that place of no longer meeting criteria. I try to hang onto that as hope, just as you intended, but I can't even make it seem real or possible enough for that. I hope one day I come back here to tell you you were right, and to settle in for the thousandth super size slice of humble pie I'd have had to swallow.

I feel icky saying this, because for various reasons, I hate it when people say it to me, but believe me when I say to you that you really do inspire me, and help to give me a reason to keep trying to do better, whatever "better" is destined to look like. At least I know it's possible, and whether it's possible for me specifically, time will only tell. Thanks for all of the encouragement.

MD

 

[Iam]

I totally understand MD.....a year ago this month I landed in the psych ward for 5 days. That was after over a year of therapy. Believe me......I never thought I could get my symptoms under control and function at that time, let alone think I might actually come to a point where I am almost symptom free.

All any of us can do is take one step at a time and do our best. Honestly, sometimes that looks like a half a step forward and three back. Overall though, with hard work, we do move forward towards functioning better.

I too hate `people telling me that I inspire them.....puts on way too much pressure. How does that saying go? "Courage isn't not being afraid, it's taking that step when you are afraid you're going to fall." It really doesn't matter whether anyone else is proud of or looks up to you. All that matters is that you are proud of your progress because you are the one doing the work.

 

[micksgirl]

I've done maybe one or two more sessions, but we've dialed back a bit because it has really been bringing up memories and very strong emotions that I had "forgotten." Plus it's the holidays. But I'm still happy I'm doing EMDR and really had an amazing session related to one of my adult traumas. I still have the super intense dreams (not necessarily bad dreams, just intense ones), but moving my sessions to the morning I think has made them easier because I'm not as physically and mentally tired as I am after a full day of work. I may change jobs soon, which will make this harder to fit in and may mean my therapy will be longer, but I still like to believe it is going to work.

What is hardest and most frustrating to me is that, in the middle of this, I had a shit relationship go bad and a good number of my friends think the reason I'm so "emotional" or "difficult" (in their words) is because of the guy. Jeeze, how I wish - that would be a LOT easier. I read an ACOA book (i hate that stuff, but . . . ) and realized that one of the problems is secrets, so I wrote to my closest friends, explained what I was grappling with and listed some examples of the traumas. Almost all have been so supportive. And my T said it was great and brave that I did that and probably helpful. But it is really hard to explain EMDR.

You guys are really helpful. Again, thanks for sharing your experiences and listening. I'll post again after my next EMDR session.

-,m

 

[Iam]

You are so courageous Micksgirl! It's awesome that you told your friends and I hope it's encouraging that they are supporting your efforts. Keep up the good work!

 

[micksgirl]

lam - I was scared, but too, I don't know, proud, to let them think a cheating boyfriend would be my whole problem (I don't mean to belittle the pain of anyone who has had that happen to them; just for me, my issues are bigger and different). My T cried when I told her.

I'm curious - do any of you experience "selective hearing"? Like how you only hear the negatives in something you're being told, even if most of the things are nice?

I'm going to be changing jobs, which will probably mean a slow down in sessions because I will be probationary with no vacation for 6 months. But I'm not going to quit. And the job is one where I will rarely travel, which should also give me more time to work, for example, in yoga to clear out the muscle memory of the bad things.

Peace and joy and happiness to my online friends I don't know, but who have been wonderfully supportive. Thank you. That is all.

 

[Iam]

I'm glad you're not going to quit Micksgirl....you are so very determined.....what an inspiration you are!

I don't know that I don't "hear" the positive, but I do think if there is both a negative and a positive in something someone says that I focus on the negative. I am hyper sensitive to any perceived criticism which is understandable given how I grew up. The good news is that is actually something that is within our control to change. We have the ability to take control of our thoughts and turn them to focus on the positives. The second great thing is that when we do that, our feelings begin to change too! It's hard at first, but, like with anything, the more we practice this skill the easier it gets. Now that's a positive worth focusing on!

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

I have done EMDR with my therapist many times. I would not say that it has been beneficial to me compared to other types of therapy I have tried, honestly. The most difficult part for me was the images or thoughts that would come up when it was being done. I didn't always want to tell my therapist what they were, and didn't like that they just came out of nowhere and often didn't make sense to me. One time, I had an image of strangling her! I had no feelings of animosity towards my T at all. But I sure was not going to share THAT with her. Of that "type" of therapy, I found EDxTM & EFT to be most helpful. If you look up EFT you can find a lot of information on it, and how to even do it on your own. But I think the only way to know is to try. And, I have visual problems, so that could possibly contribute to my loss of benefit, as well. I also had difficulty identifying if there had been a change in my state. Ironically, that was the original reason I picked her, was she did EMDR. Good luck! :)