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We will all heal in time. Nothing is easy, the flashbacks are horrific. I have learned to accept the pain and have stopped fighting it. Once you let the pain in you can slowly begin to heal.
Dear Laur16,
I like your quote about letting the pain in....................in the last couple of years I have ben facing the pain and owning the anger. The more I am able to own my own anger rather than resist or reject it is changing me. I think the resistance to my anger probably creates more shakiness than expressing and releasing it. For me at this stage it is actually letting it be experienced, this anger has been there for three decades. I feel that for me part of the resistance is the difficulty, shaking it out means that I am experiencing predominantly as a concentrated physical metaphor, but at least I am releasing my attachment. Now I am able to own and express my anger and other (percieved negative) emotions more, it is less necessary to shake it out. Essentially I am transforming the nature of my attachment to these emotions and regulating gradually the emotional dysregulation that I learned to pocket up (dissociate) as a child. Part of that is changing the ownership perspective of these emotions i.e. owning and accepting my anger and other emotions rather than pushing them away, dissociating, denying, disowning and demonising my emotions. Therefore my release is more conscious, more stable, more gradual and more grounded. I am fighting my emotions much less.
Hope this makes sense.
 
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It does make sense. I started to let the pain in and I would tell myself I am not that little girl anymore, and gradually it would start to dissipate. I fought the pain for years and would refuse to look at it. Refusing to look at it made it seem larger than life. Now that I let the pain in it does not seem that bad and I am slowly healing. It it not easy that's for sure, but once you make the decision to let it in, it becomes easier over time. The pain starts to lessen.
 
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