Does Anyone Regret...

[Karen12]

@Justmehere - it is a very difficult decision, one that should be made with the help of a therapist, in my opinion. Going through life without any family is extraordinarily difficult in ways it's impossible to fathom while you still have those ties.

Having said that, I cut ties with my parents. That was twenty years ago and I have no regrets about it. I'd do it all over again if I had the chance, and sooner. It was hard and very painful but necessary. I couldn't maintain any kind of healthy boundaries with them and I had no motivation to maintain any kind of relationship with them at all. I needed to build my own life as an adult, a life that wasn't crippled by their chaos and insanity.

First I took all the childhood mementos I wanted to keep because I knew I'd probably never see them, that house, or those belongings ever again. I did this when they weren't home. I just went in, filled a few boxes and drove away.

Later I talked with each parent privately, sort of a one-last-chance-to-make-things right, before I cut ties. It was important to me to confront them about what I was doing and why, and give them the option of repentance and reconciliation, although I pretty much already knew they didn't have it in them. Giving them that chance was about me, not them. It didn't go well with either of them but I had the satisfaction of knowing I did what I needed to.

What followed was a tremendous sense of loss and relief, and some fear, knowing I was truly on my own now. I had a total breakdown and did nothing but cry for literally days and days and days. I have never cried so much before or since. I didn't know it was possible for a human being to cry so much. I thought it would never stop. (It also makes you really thirsty!)

One unfortunate consequence was that my siblings cut ties with me as a result. That is very sad but it was not my choice or anything I had control over. I knew it might happen and it was one of the things I discussed at length with a therapist and prepared for. None of us siblings were close. My parents had raised us to be all pitched against each other, for obvious reasons, but I sometimes wonder what our relationships might have been like as adults. I don't know if they are still in touch with each other or not.

This is a decision that should come from deep within you and nowhere else. It doesn't matter what anyone else is telling you to do. Not. One. Bit.

 

[scout86]

@soleilsalve I don't think I care if I have a family or not. Well, maybe I just wish there was a painless way to escape my immediate family.

My father was ok, let me say that right off. I liked him, he wanted me around, no huge problems there. And, there are some great people in my extended family. But, when my dad died a few months ago, I really didn't feel much of anything.

My mother is a different matter. (I have a biological brother who has some issues of his own too. He's not talking to me, so I don't have to worry about him.) I don't hate her, but don't love her either. No noticeable feelings at all, accept irrational fear. (Maybe she's a trigger? Maybe she's just a cause.) After another round of weird stuff Thanksgiving weekend, it finally dawned on me that my mother is nuts. Further thinking about it led me to suspect that my whole PTSD deal might have actually started with her. When I brought this up with my T last week, he didn't say it, but I got a kind of "I was wondering how long it would take you to figure that out!" vibe. When I asked if he thought she might fit some kind of diagnostic criteria (he's never met her) he laughed and said "Maybe 11?" (We both knew that to be a joke.) He went on to say that he strongly suspects the answer would be yes, and maybe more than one. When I asked if her thought her early handling of me was the beginnings of my PTSD, he said he thought that was highly likely. He's not inclined to tell me what to do, but he's strongly suggested that my mother and brother are people I'm better off distancing myself from. With my mom, when it comes right down to it, she's playing a game and one of the rules is that I'm never going to get it right, no matter what. So, the other day I told her I was going to be calling her less often. She invoked her martyr voice. She cried. I stood my ground. I'm enjoying not talking to her. I'm dreading our next conversation. I'd like to never have to deal with her again. I don't like that she's able to make me out to be the villain. I may have to take the good with the bad..

What's holding ME back isn't that I think I'd miss them. I won't and I know it. What's holding me back is that I apparently decided years ago that trying to ease my mom's emotional upsets was my job. Now she's old. She seems weak and vulnerable. What if she falls apart if I walk away? (My T says she won't and that NO ONE, not even me, is that important. LOL) I made her cry. That makes me the bad guy, right?

@Justmehere , I don't have an answer for you, but I share in the question!

 

[sun seeker]

Beware the repetitive apology. It is either a sign that the problem is unsolvable or the person causing the problem is doing nothing to keep the problem from happening other than apologising in hopes that no one will enforce any consequences for their behaviors.

Good point. I've noticed that alcoholics tend to apologize a lot. It makes it hard to call them on their behaviour because they're apologizing so who am I to keep complaining?

 

[soleilsalve]

@scout86
I used to think that my mother couldn't handle the truth because she was so vulnerable. Then I realized that "vulnerable" people are awfully good at getting others to step up and take care of them. My siblings have bent over backwards to make sure that my mother will never have to worry about dying alone.
I, on the other hand, am living several states away with no family or close friends nearby. It's an ok life for someone who's healthy, but there is no one --no one at all -- to call 911 if something happens to me. If I didn't show up at work, my boss might assume I'd told HR and HR might assume I'd told my boss. In a nutshell, if I fell down and hurt myself on a Friday night, people might not check up on me till Tuesday at the earliest. Guess who's vulnerable now?
I'm not trying to talk you into anything you don't want to do, but I agree with your therapist: Your mother is extremely unlikely to fall apart if you walk away.

 

[Bonsiren]

Every man my mother has brought home has wandered into my bedroom at some point or another--usually repetitively--starting from when I was seven. She's been calling me a whore and a home-wrecker since before my first period. She's been opening accounts in my name and letting them go delinquent when she doesn't feel like paying the bill anymore, ruining my credit and forcing me to take legal action against her. I wouldn't piss on that woman if she were on fire.

My situation is my own, though. The people in my family made the decisions they did, and every single one of them were awful. There are things you just don't say to your children, and I grew up hearing all of them. They've subjected me to things you just can't talk about in polite company. As passive and active abusers, my life is a lot better without them.

@Justmehere You wrote "no longer physically abusive" when talking about your family, which makes me think they were physically abusive towards you at one point. I do think it would be a healthy idea to separate yourself from your family for a while. Whether or not you choose to make it permanent is entirely up to you. You can speak to a therapist about the idea and seek a more educated opinion, but it's really your choice.