Does He Even Want Me To Get Better?

[Care Bear]

My current partner is very much used to dealing with me and my PTSD symptoms. He met me not long after a hard breakup, and just a few months before my mother passed away. He has stuck with me because, as he says, he saw past all that and recognized the good in me (wish I were good at that, haha).

He's not super great at supporting me when I'm depressed (nowadays I'm either "ok" or depressed, rarely am I happy), but I know he has good intentions. I plan on having a session with him and my therapist or just the two of them so she can teach him some ways to help me.

However, my other problem is how he acts when I'm happy. Weird, right? I think deep down, whenever he sees me happy he gets insecure because he's not the cause of my happiness. Today when I arrived in a good mood after spending the day with a friend (female, if that matters) he was quite standoffish. Later, he picked fights and when I confronted him about it, let loose with a barrage of exaggerated complaints: "we never have fun together", "you haven't cooked a meal in three weeks" (I do nearly all the cooking but have done just a bit less in the past week, which I acknowledged), "you never take my needs into account" (I do all his cleaning, laundry, and am his sounding board when he's having trouble with work).

Some of these exaggerated complaints I can merely laugh off (at times, when he calms down, he apologizes and admits he was wrong). But others are becoming triggering. I am reminded of my cruel stepdad, who would start stupid arguments with me like: "nobody likes you how you are. you have no friends" and when I insist that I did have friends, he would say: "ok name them" and interrogate me. When today my partner asked me to LIST all the meals I'd made for him in the last three weeks, I was triggered by that. As if not being able to name the meals means I never made them. I almost always cook for him. It really messes with my head.

He also asks me to do different things that are impossible to reconcile. Today he complained because I looked at my phone once during a movie we were watching. I don't really think I need an excuse for doing that, but I have a relative in critical condition in the hospital. I had also received two messages from my brother that I hadn't yet replied to. When I said that all I was doing was telling my brother I was busy watching a movie, he said: "Why didn't you answer him the first time?". However, you can be sure that under different circumstances, he'd insist that I don't have to answer every message I receive right away. I can't win.

I really feel like I am going crazy. He was raised as an only child by a very doting mother after his father was tragically killed in an accident when he was young. I think he has insecurity as a result of this. But his actions are driving me away and making me feel awful : (

 

[reallydown]

Hmmm no offense but your partner sounds possibly a bit controlling. if you are giving him all this attention and he still complains you don't, something is off. Of course eh apologizes...that's how manipulative people work. They make you see the good and then when something negative comes up, you end up questioning yourself rather than them. Maybe I read a little too much into that, and if I have, I apologize but some of these things are red flags.

 

[Friday]

Have you read the 5 Love Languages? It's one of the most common sense things I've every come across, basically breaking down the 5 major ways people show or feel love. It's really straight forward, you don't need the book, but here's the website where it goes in more detail. http://www.5lovelanguages.com

Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts

You Don't
- Have Fun Together (quality time)
- Cooked a Meal (either gifts or acts of service, sounds like gifts in this case)

You Do
- Cleaning, Laundry (acts of service)
- Sounding Board (words of affirmation)

So he's asking for quality time & gifts in order to feel love...
& you're showing your love with acts of service & words of affirmation

See how wires may be getting crossed? Also explains the blowup when you two are doing something that he feels is an act of love between you two, and you're checking your phone (totally normal, btw.), but that feels to him like you're blowing him off for someone else. Same token, why you're not feeling the love in return, when he thinks he's doing things to show love to you. Both of you are loving on each other, just not in the way that "feels" like love to the other person.

Learning to show love to someone in a way that feels pretty meaningless to us but is huge for them is a really weird thing. Can be totally life altering, though.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I can't say for sure, but the truth is that some partners do not really want their sufferer to get better. (This is a phenomenon across pretty much all disorders....I'm not sure if it has a specific name, but yes, it does indeed happen!)

Since your partner met you when you were down (recovering from a bad breakup), he started off in the position of being the "OK" partner, while you started off as "less than OK". (I hope this makes sense, and I use these terms only for lack of something better.) This dynamic, created early on, set the foundation for your relationship. That is, you two started off on unequal ground. Trying to equalize (ie you healing) will throw him off of his game and put him out of his comfort zone. And then, the sabotaging begins. Instead of being supportive of your good moods/times/experiences/etc, the partner puts you down, makes disparaging statements, or is otherwise negative toward you. Completely backwards, right? A partner should be supportive when you have a good day, not pick fights with you!

Maybe things can change, but it will take some hard work on your partner's part. Is he willing to work on things with you? If he isn't supportive of your healing, I'd question the future of your relationship. Healing is hard enough even when we do have supportive people around us. I think that it would be easier to heal alone rather than with someone who tries to sabotage our progress.

 

[Care Bear]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I was nervous to read the responses this morning, worried that I would read a lot of "dump the jerk, you idiot" posts, then I remembered where I am. Everyone on here is so nice and understanding, and I want to say it means a lot to me. I really feel safe on here.

@FridayJones, I have heard of the Five Love Languages and have been meaning to read it. I think I even have a copy of the e-book. This will be my impetus to start reading! I can already tell from the examples you gave that it's a very useful method. He has specifically asked me to be more loving. That's tough because I come from a very unloving family. In my eyes I'm a loving and sweet. But maybe my standards are off.

I do think my partner has issues with jealousy and control, and when he is calm, he is willing to admit it. He has a very dedicated mindfulness practice so this helps him with the issue. Sometimes I can really see the two sides in him at once: the side that wants me to get better, enjoy his country, make friends, etc. Then I see the subtle side that worries he'll stop being my "hero" and my "everything". He has freely admitted to needing excessive amounts of attention and worries about losing it. He says it's caused by his mother doting on him for so many years (she never even dated after his father died, and dedicated all her attention to him).

Last night he came and found me (I was too stressed to sleep), apologized, let me vent a bit though it was 2am, and held me until I fell asleep. This morning he has apologized for "being all over the place" and is currently writing in our notebook (sometimes we use it to communicate so we can express ourselves in a calmer way, or get thoughts down when the other isn't able to speak, I recommend it!).

Overall, I think he and I want the same thing. I know underneath his frustrating actions he's communicating a valid need. Right now he's struggling with how to do that. I need to develop a better coping method for how to cope with him in "drama" mode and wait out the storm. It's only fair, because admittedly I, too, have my times when I'm unreasonable. Thanks again, everyone.

 

[Knak]

I experienced this with my husband. He came with a glowing resume and affirmations from friends who knew him over 20 years. I had come out of 12 years of major depression by the love of a Christian who turned me back to true faith and hope. He was a Christian leader and I had no clue to his other personality.
It turns out he is a narcissist and has detachment disorder so when I am kind he is nasty and when I am nasty he is scared to lose me. It has been a 31 year relationship and I am 65 and still can't separate from him. I do know that he gets mean when I am happy so I try to stay nasty to him. I know it is sick but I'm still going to therapy (for over 20 or more years) and maybe one day I can leave him.