Supporter Does Reaching Out Make Things Worst?

[Shallot03]

Hello Guys! I finally decided to officially sign up for this forum for some support. Its often so hard to distinguish what it means when I don't hear anything from my Marine. How much is too much when trying to reach out to him? I have poured my heart to this man and let him how much I care about him and even offered my just friendship at the very least. He doesn't seem to trust a word I say and I've never given him a reason not to. Has anyone anyone experienced romantic feelings being a trigger for their love one? I feel he would rather be alone then have so answer to me when he disappears. How do I make him feel less pressure in communicating with me and build some kind of trust? He doesn't know that I suspect he is suffering from PTSD...based on his work in the military and his time in service plus his behavior....it makes sense that he could be suffering from some form of PTSD. Is my reaching out to him making it worst? How can I help open the doors of communication with him again?

 

[Grasshoppa]

Hello Guys! I finally decided to officially sign up for this forum for some support. Its often so har...

Wow I am going thru something just like this and I am confused. Can't wait to see what the Reply's will be like. But hang in there I think we both came to the right place.

 

[BlueOrange]

Romantic feelings are often very difficult for sufferers.

You might find this recent thread in the 'supporter relationships' area interesting / useful. New Relationship -ptsd

 

[caligirl03]

Perhaps just letting him know you care and will be there whenever he's ready to talk helps takes some of the pressure off of both of you while allowing him to determine when he's ready to reach back out. Best of luck hun!

 

[Shallot03]

Romantic feelings are often very difficult for sufferers.

You might find this recent thread in the...

Thank you! He went from giving hope we had a future then falling off the face of the planet!

 

[Fadeaway]

Do you mean the supporter or the sufferer doing the reaching out?

Nvm, I totally misread something but can't edit. That is my cue to head to bed.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Shallot03 You write that he is a Marine and you know his work and time in service may mean he has PTSD. He very well may. You didn't write if he has been in combat. It's not important for the sake of my reply but I'm thinking it's not so much that he doesn't trust you but more that you are an outsider to his world. Most, not all, service people with a lot of time in service, especially in a tight knit occupation, and especially Marines tend to form an "us versus them" mindset. This mindset is necessary for unit cohesion....especially if your Marine is a combat ready unit. The mindset is not personal against you nor is it directed towards you....it's simply part of their training.

To answer your question.....reaching out to him doesn't make it worse unless he perceives it as nagging. That's where communication between you two come into play. How you open the doors of that communication really depends on the dynamics between you two. There is no hard and fast procedure....we are all different.

I don't know if you're married, you live on base, or your military resources available but you may benefit from 2 things. One, get into therapy for yourself. Not because you have a problem but more to learn coping skills. Second, depending on your resources, see if there is a military spouses organization near you, either active duty, veterans, or both where you can talk to others in the somewhat unique boat you're in. By that I mean active duty service person as opposed to the general public. (remember the us versus them thinking).

Finally, you are at a great place here. Read everything. Watch the videos pinned in the supporters section and join us. We are all in this together....both sufferers and supporters.

Take care.

 

[Linzee]

Hello Guys! I finally decided to officially sign up for this forum for some support. Its often so har...

Hi, well done for coming here to get help and advice. Shows real support and commitment to your sufferer.

Make some room for me coz I'm in the same boat too, without any navigational system. I have a recent thread with some great advice attached, click me and have a read it may help.

From what I've read I think romantic intimacy is absolutely a trigger for a lot of sufferers. Reliving traumatic events that plague you daily and the contrast of having someone show you such kindness, compassion, love and respect is bound to be an overwhelming rush of emotions all conflicting each other.

Your sufferer will know how special a person you are simply by the fact that you love/care about them in spite of their PTSD and are patient and empathetic.

It may seem harsh and feel hurtful but I believe that by keeping you at a distance from himself during a rough patch, he thinks he is doing the best thing to protect both of you. Its actually quite chivalrous in an unconventional kinda way. He thinks enough of you to stay away when he knows his behaviour is likely to scare or upset you in some way and he absolutely doesn't want to choose that.

Inadvertently however, by staying away from you with little or no communication this hurts us anyway right? Its the lesser of 2 evils I guess.

I miss my guy/friend/love so much. Just the little stuff like checking in to see how each others day was would mean so much to me right now. But its clear he needs space and is not ready to discuss the possibility of the relationship moving forward, though we naturally progressing that way slowly over 2 years.

I love my guy enough to want to see him stress free and happy with or without me :(. The one thing I am fully in control of is myself, so I have decided to remove myself from the equation/cup to alleviate the current overflow. I feel I am really helping him from a distance by taking this pressure off him to have to worry about me on top of everything else.

I hope everyday to hear from him but I don't let it tear me apart either. He knows I'm here for him without judgement or anger (I hope) but honestly I don't know as he hasn't responded and I leave him be.

I hope I have been helpful in giving you my perspective from the little I know. Others have been so helpful to me I feel its my duty to pass it on also.:hug:

 

[Grasshoppa]

Hi, well done for coming here to get help and advice. Shows real support and commitment to your sufferer...

Thank you for this @Linzee this has help so much I am in the same boat right there with you. I have been no contact free for 7 days now I am doing so much better. But I do miss him like hell. I just keep a smile on my face and him in my heart .

 

[Linzee]

Thank you for this @Linzee this has help so much I am in the same boat right ther...

I'm glad to be of some help, I come here everyday and read to stay sane. We can choose to walk away anytime but if we choose to stay until we definitively know otherwise, then all we can do is back off, give space, believe in them and stay positive. Here anytime you need to offload...hugs.

 

[Momento Mori]

Be present and patient. I agree with the statement about getting yourself some counseling to understand the mechanics behind the situation. If PTSD is the issue, he (like me) may be pushing you away so he doesn't hurt you in some way, or if he has had a loss, he could be afraid of losing you. PTSD is not a quick cure thing. It takes a very long time. Settle in, enjoy the good days, be patient with the bad ones and be present for him always. Good luck and God Bless!

 

[asadafagahajakal]

If reaching out is doing harm, its because youre not just reaching out, youre pulling on his hand. Think of it like this.

By reach out, Just let him know he can talk to you about anything. Not only that, but be prepared for any piece of his past he might throw at you. You might hear some f*cked up sht you might not be ready for, but you need to show in your words and in your body language and actions you arent holding grudges or judging him for what he did or see.

By grabbing his hand, i mean like pressuring him to see a therapist, or asking about details about his trauma. Just wait for him to open up, not ask questions like "did you do X to Y because Z"

For us with ptsd, especially with combat veterans, we have a hard time opening up and an even harder time trusting people. You have to develop that trust and dialogue over time.

I hope this helps.